At Blithewold on National Public Gardens Day

Mood - Medium. Tired all day every time I sit in the car for a long period I fall asleep.

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 10:30 am. No migraine in morning developed one at 2:30 pm.

Woke up - 09:30 pm ok night, I was tired and didn't want to get up but we were going to Blithewold for the Free National Garden day with our coupons Mom, Dad and I. I went to sleep around 3:39 am last "night". I had some pasta pesto salad and a huge cup of Chai no caffeine around 11:30 pm. I went online around 7:00 pm to 2:30 am. I drank maybe 2 - 3 Diet Pepsis. Had a hard time sleeping, pushed the pope. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Mom, Dad and I went to Blithewold for a few hours about 10:50 am to 12:10 pm, we went to Quito's in Bristol 12:30 pm and came home. Mom and I are planning on meeting Kevin and Caryl at the Olive Garden tonight after 6:00 pm.

It was sunny today and warm. The tulips were out but their daffodils had faded. Mom and I visited the mansion with Dad but left him on the enclosed porch to walk to the North Garden into the Bosquet and down the Shrub Walk to the Rock and Water Gardens. We then hurried up past the Display Gardens to the Greenhouse and wandered to the Bamboo Grove after admiring the Ponderosa Lemons inside the Greenhouse.

Knowing we had to hurry so that Dad didn't forget or get frustrated we hurried through the path that lead next to the Enclosed Garden by the Summer House winding up at the beginning of the path to the North Garden where Dad waited on the enclosed porch. I bought Blithwold's Music box a disc with all the songs that the Van Winkle's music box played in the mansion. Afterwards we went to Quito's in Bristol where I got a fried fish sandwich with fries.
Mom, Caryl, Kevin and I went to Olive Garden around 6:30 pm. Mom and I left early so that Dad wouldn't invite himself to come. Erika was suppose to give him a haircut, have dinner and watch a movie with him. Mom and I went to Best Buy and Savers to spend some time before getting a table. We had a nice dinner together for Kevin's birthday. I had short ribs and tortelloni in a marsala sauce with portabella mushrooms. It was delicious. I am very wired and tired.

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.

Freddy in Space: 7 Things You Probably Didn't Know About The Birthday Boy, Lance Henriksen!

Freddy in Space: 7 Things You Probably Didn't Know About The Birthday Boy, Lance Henriksen!

Happy Birthday Kev-o! You share a birthday with LANCE HENRIKSEN!

Screwed Up My Schedual Again...

Mood - Medium to low. 

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, going to take an allergy pill 3:30 pm. No migraine though.

Woke up - 1:00 pm bad night, I was tired and didn't want to get up but Car called from work to ask if Mom was home. I took an allergy pill around 2:30 pm, went to sleep around 4:09 am last "night". Ate a bagel with 2 oz of cheese around 9 pm. I went online around 7:00 pm to 5:00 am. I had two bowls of cornflakes before going to bed. Drank maybe 2 - 3 Diet Pepsis. Couldn't sleep, I went to bed around 5:30 am. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - I went to to the senior center for the surplus food, went online around 3:00 pm to write this post, didn't do much otherwise. Stopped in to Carquest for a bit with Mom, today's Kev-o's birthday; we may go out tomorrow as a family Car, Kev and I. We'll see how that goes.

It rained was cloudy and sunny today. It's suppose to be grey cloudy and rainy for the next 2 days. Friday we're suppose to go to Blithewold. I hope it is a nice day or at least not rainy. I've never been there before. I have to print up the coupon for it.

I feel like I'm slipping back right now (3:30 pm).


A note: I don't like how I feel so bad about myself that I feel obliged to "prove" that I am "worth it" most of the time. It makes me feel like I live my life always walking on my tip toes and balanced on the edge of the world. No where do I feel comfort and any time am lonely I feel like I risk inner turmoil and outer assaults just to feel accepted and in good company. Even with people I love and people I call my friends. There is no trust. When I fake trust I throw caution to the wind. And if it blows back in my face and burns me, I usually withdraw and hide. I'm sick of hiding. It's like my physical being is made of marshmallow; too much warmth shrivels me, the cold makes me brittle. 
After long periods of not contacting someone I have enjoyed being with, I become afraid of contacting them again. Inside I am told that they hate me now, they've changed and moved on. I missed my opportunity and I become anxious. Even if they call me of their own accord my mind has told me it's only so that they can get something from me. It's only so they can laugh at me. It's only so they can see how hideous I've become. I am hideous inside. Shrunken and useless. Like a junk yard a child played in that has become a garbage pit to the adult the child has become. I know where I lost the trust so long ago. You can't regain something that never had time to develop in the first place.
An activity for the WRAP Workbook: list or come up with times I have felt free where I wasn't afraid to talk without self restriction. How did I feel then? Why did I feel okay? Was there something else involved i.e. alcohol or drugs? Was it the place I went to? Did I prepare myself for the event or was it spontaneous?

 

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.

Jimmy Acha, Jimmy Acha

Mood - Medium then climbing to medium high because I finished some bill paying. 

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed throat, puffy feeling eyes, low, low Headache and tired.

Woke up - 12:30 pm bad night, I was tired and didn't want to get up just did it. I took nothing, went to sleep around 4:09 am last "night". Ate a bowl of pasta, read the rest of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, played some iPod solitaire, played Pure moods on the iPod. Couldn't sleep even though I went to bed around 2 am. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Read the end of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, went to Rite Aid and bought a bottle of 120 allergy pills, paid off the Anchor Storage bill, received a notice for the PO Box payment, gave Mom her rent money,  wrote today's daily activity list, did some research for Shannon on Philadelphia support groups for one of her Facebook followers, went online around 2:00 pm didn't do much, ate, went online around 8 pm. Talked to Caryl for a bit, tomorrow's Kev-o's birthday we may go out as a family. We'll see how that goes.

It rained today. It's suppose to be grey cloudy and rainy for the next 3 days. Friday we're suppose to go to Blithewold. I hope it is a nice day or at least not rainy. I've never been there before. Tomorrow I'm suppose to go to the senior center for the surplus food. I didn't make it last month. A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th.

Good night Neneh Cherry.

 

Movie African Cats

Not much to say. I did 2 outdoor activities and went to the movies. Still reticent to drive anywhere on my own and do an activity by myself in public. Anxiety is ruling lately. 

Mood - Medium then climbing to high because of an unexpected outing. My Father decided to invite himself along. I decided to just tolerate the stupidity and write a list of the annoying things he did within an hour.

Physical - Stuffiness Headache after the movie.

Woke up - 11:30 am with stuffiness and a bit of an headache, I was tired and didn't want to get up. I took nothing, went to bed around 7 am last "night". Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am at least.

Activities - Read some more of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, Walked to Galilee with Mom before the tourists come, wrote today's daily activity list and updated the past 3 days, broke branches outside for an hour(!), went online for an hour, watched African Cats with Big E and the rents.

If you believe all old men are cute and adorable and you have issues with people becoming irritated at people with Dementia then don't read the following.

List of Annoying Things My Father Did Today Within an Hour:

Shoved uncut chunks of meat in his mouth than complaining he can't chew.

Sucked on his teeth in the car driving Mom to distraction.

Hollered "GOOOOOOOO!" at Mom when light turns green.

Harassing Mom to leave when she hadn't left the table yet and only 2 minutes after being told to sit in his chair.

Inviting himself to a movie I was going to.

Grumbled "Go already!," at the light as mom and I were talking to each other.

Shouted "GO!" when Mom was at an intersection and it wasn't her turn yet.

Fucked Mom's plans to go to Home Depot to get a pump for the pond.

Junk Palace/Reticence

It's been a great day today, well barring the rototilling that is. Again there was no rototilling. I'm afraid my strength has gone down since last year.  That worries and scares me. 
I got in touch with #1's Auntie N. She's going to help him with his blood papers and enrollment forms. Sometimes being white isn't a good thing. #1 and I went to FirstWorks' presentation of "Handmade Puppet Dreams III" with guest artist Lyon Hill screening “Junk Palace” on Monday, May 2, 7pm, at the Chace Center's Metcalf Auditorium, 20 North Main Street. It was a wonderful show and we enjoyed ourselves. We went to Johnny Rockets on Thayer Street and both of us will pay for it tomorrow. It was well worth it though since we got to plug nickels into the table-side jukebox and play 50's music for as long as we wanted. It made me miss when Twister's on Main Street in Wakefield and singing "Lollipop" with the boys. 

Mood - Medium then climbing to high because of an expected outing. I became a bit bossy today with  my Mother. I tried to be less aggrevated and nicer to her by incorporating humor into crappy happenings i.e. the rototilling problems.

Physical - Stuffiness (an allergy there was lots of pollen floating around today I'm sure. Not as bad as yesterday or maybe just not as noticeable to me since I was on the phone with Tasha most of the afternoon.)

Woke up - 1:15 pm with stuffiness and a bit of an headache, I was tired and didn't want to get up. I took nothing, went to bed around 5 am last "night". Going to try to go to bed by 4 am at least.

Activities - Read some more of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, wrote this blog, posted 30 pictures to Facebook, attended Junk Palace with #1, drank 3 cans of diet pepsi, attempted to start the rototiller again, talked to Tasha about #1 and the BIA enrollment and all the other things he need to get so he can be a part of the tribe and get benefits, went to Wally World and got a 4 port USB hub which I've needed since the day I got this laptop and I got another 3 ring binder/organizer with some separators and page protectors and what-have-you FOR $10 FREAKING DOLLARS!!! Un-f^cking-real.

WRAP - Wrote this blog. Started writing a daily page in the WRAP Workbook. Did an activity. Revealed to Mom my attempt at WRAP again. Tentatively promised to work outside for an hour every day to help myself get better and on my way to healthy mental maintenance.

I'm going to bed while it's only 3:13 am. 

I last ate dinner at Johnny Rockets at 10 pm. I plan not to eat anymore until morning time.

overandout

May Day

It was sunny out and beautiful. One of those rare days in the Spring that makes me happy to be alive. I have to find #1s blood papers. He needs them for his business. So that's another thing to do. He, Mom and I pulled out the rototiller yesterday but we couldn't get it going. We'll see if Jim will come by to start it up tomorrow. I want that task done. I'm trying to psych myself into doing it. I so don't want to. Once the garden is turned though that means fresh veggies for the summer! MMMmmmmm tomatoes and carrots and chard and broccoli and green beans and asparagus (actually we've had two dinner plates of them already, sweet and green tasting. Yum!) green and red peppers. And more! Brussel Sprouts...
Today -

Mood - Medium high but healthy

Physical - Stuffiness (an allergy there was lots of pollen floating around today I'm sure.)

Woke up - 11 am with stuffiness and a bit of an headache, took nothing went to bed around 6 am again last "night".

Activities - Read some more of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, wrote this blog, sent off 75 pictures to family members, attended niece's party, drank 5 cans of diet pepsi, tossed out some moldering hoarded garbage from the basement so we can have a place for the new washing machine and the generator for the sump pump. 


(Dealing with the hoarded cr@p is an issue unto itself. 
We cleaned while my Father was watching the boob tube and wasn't looking for my Mother 
{which means during the news, 
or Jeopardy, 
or feeding time, 
or if the telephone rang,} 
then we had to wait two nights for trash night to actually take the cr@p upstairs, 
stuff it in a contractor's bag, 
drop it in a garbage can, 
and tie the top of the bag 
so he wouldn't open the lid of the can 
{because in the morning 
while he waits for the garbage men 
he can tell them his time worn and warped story 
about Martin Luther King and 
how my Father is a personal friend and 
he was a good man and 
he told him not to go to Vietnam because 
he'd get his head blown off,}
and screw around with the stuff inside and 
bring his "prized possessions" back inside and 
"hide" them in his room.)

WRAP - nothing so far... I promise to do at least a half an hour. 


An hour later...
I only looked at Facebook and I got distracted for 2 hours!!! Damn you Facebook!
Seriously though, I got a message from a friend asking me what was WRAP. I sent him along missive with my interpretation of  what WRAP is. Then noticing my blog again (another good reason for having this blog - to remind me why I'm suppose to be online, not to immerse myself in pointless pursuits like watching a hummingbird web cam but to continue keeping myself on track - although watching the hummingbird web cam might be a good addition to my Wellness Tools list. {Go figure!})


I looked at the pages I printed out for myself from the 44(!) page Mental Disorders Toolkit I got from the Managing Mental Disorders page on the heretohelp website. I looked for a work book page to fill in. It's easier to do then off the cuff thinking and writing. I had to ask myself: "What was I doing? Was I just blindly filling in empty pages or was I going to do this systematically or what?" So I looked at the beginning to give me some instructions on how to go about using this tool. And there before my very eyes it said:

So read it yourself. 
I figure I'm in about the middle. I understand the concepts. I've taken Mary Ellen Copeland's Mental Health Recovery & WRAP® class at Boston University back in the mid-2000's as part of TFTF. It's been a while and I've "stored" away my old notes and WRAP workbook, book and handouts. BTW - "stored" means I've hoarded them away with all the stuff that was in my old apartment before I moved out of that h3llhole, MB and back into my parents' house. Another project for another time and maybe professionals, too. Woo Hoo.
I also added this following blurb to help guide me and give me a realistic idea of my overall goals. 

It's from the same Mental Disorders Toolkit that I got the first blurb from. So that means maybe I should add it as a link, right? Oy vey! The work I got myself into!
I might try and do a little self organization for the week since that is what I do on Sundays. This is my special day quite unlike the Bangles' Manic Monday's Sunday. Today I enjoy feeling like I am an organized adult that actually is directing a huge corporation. I make my appointments, I talk to the people I'll be doing activities with, I add appointments and events to my cell phone calendar and set the week up so I feel semi-normal and like I'm not hanging @ss naked in the wind all week.
Let's see the Big E called me today. I'll be continuing to tear down the wallpaper in Bill's bedroom. Tomorrow #1 and I are going to see a marionette show called "Junk Palace". Tuesday I drive Mom to her eye doctor's appointment.


*SPECIAL NEWS BREAK* 
I just heard (it's 11:22 pm Sunday Night May 1st, 2011) that "they" killed Osama Bin Ladin. That makes me sad right now. I don't know why exactly, but I suspect some weird inner shit is going on with me that I'm not going to share. God only knows in this country just sharing that feeling probably means some religious right freak will now hunt me down for sharing in my right to free speech claiming I'm unpatriotic and a burgeoning terrorist. Like I have the money to marshal up never mind the brain organization to keep my sh!t together.  


Thursday is Kev-o's birthday and Friday is National Public Garden Day and Blithewold is open and FREE! So I have to sneak Big E's walls in somewhere in between. It sounds easy if you realize that I have all day Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. All the same with my migraines calling the shots sometimes and my brain lollygagging I often roam around pointlessly trying to direct a thought or catch a clue. 


Koo koo ka chew Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know, whoa whoa whoa. We sang it in the car on the way back from my niece's birthday party today. Anything, do anything but not hear my Father point out for the 3257th time that there are houses on the knoll above route 4. Think I'm a mean b!tch now? Good, don't come to me with your dementia. I've had my life's worth of drivel listening to a person I alternately hate and pity. 
But he's disabled too! So what? He never actively admitted to any of his problems that got him there. I don't have time for guilt and mental self flagellation. And if you got a problem with that well Boo Hoo! Go cry to the PC Police. 


Over and Out.