Noooooooo Mooooootivaaaaatioooooonnnnnnnn...

Mood - Ok. Tired. Still sleeping too much. Head ache later in day.

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed itchy throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 2:00 pm. No migraine in "morning". I went to bed at 6:00 am also "last night".

Woke up - 2:00 pm I got up.  I went to sleep around 6:00 am last "night". I ate a keilbasa in a slice of bread around 6:00 am. Mom made a roast beef with baked potatoes, green salad and asparagus.  Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Last night I added some inner pieces of the tiger puzzle James brought me from Japan. I watched Bad Lieutenant which was screwed up at one part, the disc was scratched. Today I woke up at 2:00 pm. I really did nothing but go online and fuck around. 

It was cloudy today and cold. I wrote this blog entry. Checked Facebook and replied to some posts. I bought some honey roasted nuts at CVS (and ate the whole can 11.5 oz.) and a bag of peanut butter stuffed pretzels when Mom and I went into town. 

WRAP - Wrote this blog.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on calling James for his birthday. I have to call him in the night time. Of course the blogging here and another Daily Page as well as working on more WRAP basics. And working on the art project.

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu. DON'T FORGET TO PAY THE P.O. BOX BILL!!!

More Important MI Information... AND THIS IS TUESDAY'S POST!!

TUESDAY, MAY 10, 2011

Mood - Better, improved. Tired. Still sleeping too much.

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed itchy throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 12:00 pm. No migraine in "morning". I went to bed at 6:00 am also "last night".

Woke up - 12:00 pm I got up, made myself pasta with asparagus, keilbasa, marinara and pesto.  I went to sleep around 6:00 am last "night". I ate a keilbasa in a slice of bread around 2:00 am. Last night Mom made the hamburgers. Tonight she made salmon and eggplant parmesan with spaghetti and a fruit salad of papaya, strawberries and pears.  Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Last night I assembled the outer edges of the tiger puzzle James brought me from Japan. I watched Wasteland a documentary of a Brazilian Artist who made portraits of "Garbage Recycling Pickers" in the worlds largest dump. Today I woke up at 12:00 pm. Mom and I cleaned under the dishwasher because Mom claims it smells bad. There was a dead mouse under there that has been living in the wall behind the dishwasher and the piano. I felt good and continued to clean the shelves that hold the wraps, bags and cooking/baking ingredients next to the dishwasher that we have to move to put the mouse trap in so we can kill the mice. Mom thinks we may have gotten them all but isn't sure yet. Sunday night/Monday morning a mouse jumped at my face when I went into the cabinet under the spice shelving. I was startled but not scared. It took off like a bat out of Hell. I rototilled the garden for Mom and felt much much better that that task is out of the way. Mom and I went to Critter Hut so she could get a filter to attach to the pump for her pond. (You see ever since Kevin dropped these projects Mom is maintaining the pond and I am maintaining the aquarium.) They said that the company doesn't offer that part anymore. So no dice on the filter. I bleached the whole top of the aquarium after spotting what looked like white mold on the plastic cover of the tank that opens so you can feed the fish. I hope I got it all. Mom and I took a walk to the field next to the house that Teddy McCaffery grew up in to show me some Jack-in-the-Pulpits.

I went on Rhode Island Bipolar Support facebook page and met Jill, Celia and Trish on the conference chat. Trish and I talked for at least 2 more hours when the others left. I befriended her and will make it a point to go to the meeting that I believe is next week. I gave a J H some advice on getting help from Reed Cosper, the Mental Health Advocate in accordance with her having her children taken away from her. I'll go look for his info and put a link up because it's so very important. Racing thought abounded today. I mapped out an art project for me and the WRAP deal about self identity for me and so I can heal. I cleaned the linoleum on top of the dishwasher from shelf to wall. I bleached it and took EVERYTHING out. A good job. Last "night" I emptied the dishwasher. I also turned off the lights and the television but left Kevin sleeping on the couch. 

It was sunny today and warm. I wrote this blog entry. Checked Facebook and replied to some posts. I did a lot today. I kept forgetting to go to the bathroom when I needed to. My body forgot it had a job to do also. I also picked up the Netflix movie Bad Lieutenant at the P.O. Box when Mom and I went into town. I'm going to watch it tonight.

WRAP - Wrote this blog. I did write a Project page and a Reflections page in the WRAP Workbook about an art idea I have and included a page with the sketch of a tin can head with holes. Did 5 activities today: a short walk, rototilling, support conferencing, the tiger puzzle and cleaning. I did a lot today. I even got in contact with Molly through Facebook. I also am going to post an interesting link about borderline personality disorder - "what bpd is like".

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on calling James for his birthday. I have to call him in the night time. Of course the blogging here and another Daily Page as well as working on more WRAP basics. And working on the art project.

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu. DON'T FORGET TO PAY THE P.O. BOX BILL!!!

Important Information -Another part of this blog that may come and go. This is the Office of the Mental Health Advocate information so for right now although this is current today always make sure you find out if this information that is posted here is correct.

Mental Health Advocate, Office of the

H. Reed Cosper Esq.

Contact Information

• John O. Pastore Center
  57 Howard Avenue, 4th Floor
  Cranston, RI 02920
• Office Phone: 401-462-2003;800-346-2282
• TTY: 401-462-6018
• Fax: 401-462-2008
• E-Mail:annette.armstrong at doa.ri.gov

Description:

Annual Budget: $441,727

Total Personnel: 4

Legal services to clients of the public mental health system; compliance review, policies and procedures, community mental health centers and psychiatric hospitals.

Responsibilites:

Protect the liberty rights and treatment rights of people with mental illness.

Key Staff

Staff Attorney Bruce D. Todesco Esq.	401-462-2005	bruce.todesco at doa.ri.gov
Staff Attorney Vacant
Administrative Assistant Annette Armstrong	401-462-2004	annette.armstrong at doa.ri.gov

Low Day...

Mood - Low. Tired. Migraine which is getting worse over the course of the day. I hurt and want to go to bed.

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed itchy throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 2:00 pm. No migraine in "morning". I went to bed at 6:00 am also "last night".

Woke up - 2:00 pm still upset about yesterday and Kevin couldn't deal with Dad couldn't deal with Mom and felt guilty about it. I woke up and felt grey and still tired from being upset. I went to sleep around 6:00 am last "night". I ate a bagel with cheese around 2:00 am since all I ate yesterday was the sushi and chicken wings at Shanghai. I took a walk around Little Comfort with Mom.  Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Today I woke up at 2:00 pm. I'd planned on calling Ofelia and getting together with her. I gave up on that plan. I went online and did a review of Fantastic Umbrella Factory on Yelp. I ate 2 burgers, some asparagras (2 servings,) and a salad. Also the candy bar Caryl gave me yesterday.

It was sunny today and warm. I wrote a blog entry. Checked Facebook and replied to some posts.

WRAP - Wrote this blog. I did write a daily page in the WRAP Workbook when I got off but didn't add some other kind of activity on another page to benefit my mental tracking. Did 1 activity a short walk. I did very little during today.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on going to Erika's house to finish ripping down the wallpaper. I have to call her in the morning. Of course the blogging here and another Daily Page as well as working on more WRAP basics.

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.

A Very Nice and Unexpected Mother's Day...

Mood - Low. Tired. Emotional. Suicidal. Changed to a better mood when Caryl took me out.

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed itchy throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 1:00 pm. No migraine in "morning". I was sufficiently upset this morning that I took an Adivan just to calm down. I didn't get dopey though (probably because of the allergy pill.)

Woke up - 01:00 pm still upset about yesterday and Kevin couldn't deal with Dad couldn't deal with Mom and felt guilty about it. I woke up and felt grey and still tired from being upset. I went to sleep around 3:30 am last "night". I ate a bagel with cream cheese around 2:00 am since all I ate yesterday was the chicken piccata, salad, rice, orzo and quinoa mix, a bun and a slice of wedding cake. I wrote a daily WRAP plan log. I also went into the written part of the Mental Disorders Toolkit and marked off different areas for me to work on so I could make it easier for myself. I then "talked" to Kevin and I can't even relate what happened. I went online around 11:00 pm to 2:00 am. I drank maybe 1 - 2 Diet Pepsis. Had a hard time sleeping, I took an Adivan and still had a hard time sleeping. I put on my iPod played classical music (actually my purchased mix playlist,) did some variety puzzles and wrote a little.  Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Today I stayed in my room and wrapped Mom's Mother's Day gift, a pair of aqua shoes. I also gave her a card that was an ink sketch of Ocean Road along the Wall in the Pier. Caryl knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go and see a movie and get something to eat. So I washed my hairbrushes while he took a shower then we left. I played Chris Isaak to Warwick but Haruki was still closed for an hour. We decided to drive to Garden City to look for another place but there were no restaurants worth going to there. We continued driving up Reservoir Ave to Broad Street and just took it easy, not talking about Kevin and just looking at all the changes on Broad Street. We decided to go to Shanghai's since we ended up close to Thayer Street and it didn't look too busy. And it was excellent! We had their special Thai Spicy Wings as an appetizer. Their Una Kyu Maki (Unagi and Cucumber Roll) and a sushi combo -  Maki San Fran for $12.50 that consisted of a California Roll, a Tuna Roll and a Salmon Scallion Roll. We watched Thor 3D which was also excellent! We both came back listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. A happy day since I also was able to get Dad to pay me back for what he owed me. I also told my Mom about my concerns for the time when she was leaving for North Carolina since Dad has been particularly freaky about the past couple of nights (Friday - Olive Garden and Saturday - Church Fashion Show) she was not at home. He even asked me tonight while we were watching Spy Games where Mom was like he thought she might have run away. He's very, very concerned with Mom's whereabouts now. I told mom to please speak with James about the 22nd because I am getting very anxious about being at home with him those 5 days. The last time she left he yanked my purse out of my hand so hard he ripped the strap off of it. I had to get a new purse. When I forget that the 22nd is coming I'm fine but when I hear him asking about Mom's whereabouts or try to plan for the 22nd to the 27th, I start feeling very scared and anxious.  can't deal with this anymore. It makes me feel like I'm doomed because I don't know what to expect from my Father. I know he's not planning on hurting me but he's so impulsive and his anger can come like a flash from no where that I am afraid he's going to hurt me if he gets scared that he can't reach Mom.

It was sunny today and warm. I wrote a blog and a review of Shanghai. Checked Facebook and replied to some posts.

WRAP - Wrote this blog. I will write a daily page in the WRAP Workbook when I get off and will attempted to add some other kind of activity on another page to benefit my mental tracking. Did 2 activities that were low key. Talked to Caryl about this WRAP again and it's benefit to him as well as myself, no heavy lecture stuff. I took a break from my Tentative promise to work outside for an hour every day since last night was tress filled and I was very upset and seriously considering suicide again. I added a "Plans for Tomorrow" part of this list to help me with continuation and stability for my mental health.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting together with Ofelia so I can continue getting closer with my friends and creating better social bonds with them. I have to call her in the morning. Of course the blogging here and another Daily Page as well as working on more WRAP basics.

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.

Losing My Patience and My Religion...

Mood - Low. Tired. Emotional. Migraine. Suicidal.

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed itchy throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 1:00 am. No migraine in "morning" developed one at 5:50 pm. took Excedrin Migraine at 6:00 pm. 

Woke up - 01:00 pm not okay dreams were of past people and forgiveness and getting along. I woke up to having to get Dad's present wrapped and getting him a card. I went to sleep around 6:00 am last "night". I had nothing to eat after Olive Garden's braised ribs w/portobello etc. I went online around 9:00 pm to 5:30 am. I drank maybe 4 - 5 Diet Pepsis (equivalents, since I had 2 of those huge glasses of diet coke at O.G.). Had a hard time sleeping, I just looked at pictures online and couldn't sleep. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Mom and I worked in the yard for a few hours about 2:30 pm to 4:30 pm. I mowed the lawn and under the picnic table. Mom and I went for a walk about 1:30 pm to Galilee.

It was sunny today and warm. Mom and I went to the  church for Women's Day Fashion Show. We had dinner there and then came home.

I went to Kevin's room to talk to him about helping me rototill the garden. He wouldn't look at me and just grunted when I ask him questions. I told him that I was serious about him checking in with me and Mom every two or three days. I told him I'd do whatever it took for him to keep communicating with us even leave him alone which is all he seems to want now. I told him I'd need help when Mom left for North Carolina when he asked me if the rototilling was all I wanted to talk to him about. Cop a fucking attitude with me. I became angry but tried to control my anger and told him he really needed some help. I'm not kidding about him being mentally ill. 

It's not a fucking joke. I know I'm not doing well. And I can see that I am not easy to deal with. I feel that if he's not mentally ill then he can communicate with me on the terms I'm taking about. I get so angry even looking at him now-a-days that I want to punch him in the head. He seems to intentionally act like an asshole. I'm so fucking sick of his shit. I just want to get fucking things done around here. I don't care if he fucks goats for money or if he wants to sit in his room all the time he's not working. The fact that there is shit to be done around here seems to escape him. Yeah, Caryl could be doing more. Kevin seems to want to escape all the time and it gets old fast. Yeah, life sucks. Yeah, he works. Well he also lives here and his habit of now entering his room through his window is showing me how fucking out of his mind and immature he is. Enough, I can't talk of it anymore!

I am so fucking angry fuck Mother's Day fuck life fuck your mind fuck your fathers fuck god fuck this world everything's fucked anyway. I hate ALL of you.

Seriously thinking of burning some incense just to get the anger gone. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!! Maybe a dose of Adivan will do it.

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.

At Blithewold on National Public Gardens Day

Mood - Medium. Tired all day every time I sit in the car for a long period I fall asleep.

Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 10:30 am. No migraine in morning developed one at 2:30 pm.

Woke up - 09:30 pm ok night, I was tired and didn't want to get up but we were going to Blithewold for the Free National Garden day with our coupons Mom, Dad and I. I went to sleep around 3:39 am last "night". I had some pasta pesto salad and a huge cup of Chai no caffeine around 11:30 pm. I went online around 7:00 pm to 2:30 am. I drank maybe 2 - 3 Diet Pepsis. Had a hard time sleeping, pushed the pope. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.

Activities - Mom, Dad and I went to Blithewold for a few hours about 10:50 am to 12:10 pm, we went to Quito's in Bristol 12:30 pm and came home. Mom and I are planning on meeting Kevin and Caryl at the Olive Garden tonight after 6:00 pm.

It was sunny today and warm. The tulips were out but their daffodils had faded. Mom and I visited the mansion with Dad but left him on the enclosed porch to walk to the North Garden into the Bosquet and down the Shrub Walk to the Rock and Water Gardens. We then hurried up past the Display Gardens to the Greenhouse and wandered to the Bamboo Grove after admiring the Ponderosa Lemons inside the Greenhouse.

Knowing we had to hurry so that Dad didn't forget or get frustrated we hurried through the path that lead next to the Enclosed Garden by the Summer House winding up at the beginning of the path to the North Garden where Dad waited on the enclosed porch. I bought Blithwold's Music box a disc with all the songs that the Van Winkle's music box played in the mansion. Afterwards we went to Quito's in Bristol where I got a fried fish sandwich with fries.
Mom, Caryl, Kevin and I went to Olive Garden around 6:30 pm. Mom and I left early so that Dad wouldn't invite himself to come. Erika was suppose to give him a haircut, have dinner and watch a movie with him. Mom and I went to Best Buy and Savers to spend some time before getting a table. We had a nice dinner together for Kevin's birthday. I had short ribs and tortelloni in a marsala sauce with portabella mushrooms. It was delicious. I am very wired and tired.

A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.

Freddy in Space: 7 Things You Probably Didn't Know About The Birthday Boy, Lance Henriksen!

Freddy in Space: 7 Things You Probably Didn't Know About The Birthday Boy, Lance Henriksen!

Happy Birthday Kev-o! You share a birthday with LANCE HENRIKSEN!