Shuttle, Ospreys and Rain...

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2011

Mood - I went to bed around 3:00 am. I punched the Pope so I didn't sleep until 5:00 am. I thought today was Thursday and expected SM to call.

Physical - I took an allergy pill when I got up and the excedrin, too. I felt groggy today and very stuffed up when I went to the bathroom. I think I have a cold I was sneezing and my head was funky. The day was overcast and rain came and went. 

Woke up - I woke up at 12:00 pm. I was feeling crappy when I got up. 

Activities - I ate a hot dog before leaving. Mom and I went to the Newport Toll booths and she re-upped the pass. We first went to the Coffee Connection and I got a chicken salad on a baguette no cheese please and a medium iced coffee half of which is still sitting in her car. C texted me that he wanted me to go to the shuttle in NK at 3:00 pm. Mom and I were making the osprey rounds to Indian Rock Road and Jerusalem. the ospreys don't look like their brooding anymore but both of the females were unhappy we were there and chirped their little cries until we left. Mom took me home so I jumped in my car at 3:00 pm and drove over to Carquest. I drove up to NK got the shuttle parts then drove over to BS and dropped off a part for him. I stopped by Narragansett Shell and dropped of their order too. A was working today but was gone by the time I got back. C changed my windshield wipers and I drove home. I got online but only to start up safari. 

I helped Mom by setting the table. Paul has been inside since about 3:00 pm because of the rain. We ate linguini with eggplant parmigiana, and a green salad. Today was nice that there were things to do

I cleared some of the dinner table and went back upstairs.  

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page. I still want to take the activity from Monday and write it down in the Workbook or maybe make it into a document and print it out for the book and complete it.  

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I'll call SM in the morning tomorrow, to see when she wants me to come over. Dinner tomorrow there with the 'rents and J and the girls. What does SM want for her birthday next month?

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: Thursday Mom, Dad and I plan on going to James and Sui May's house for dinner. I plan on going earlier to see Sui May for a little bit. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata, you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Some Other Links That May Help:

6 Ways to Ward Off Depression

http://www.lifescript.com/Health/Centers/Depression/Tips/6_Ways_to_Ward_Off_Depression.aspx?utm_source=outbrain&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Depression

Ed you need to get educated about depression. There are differing types of depression and your ignorance is sad and promotes stigma. I know that anti-depressants don't cure depression. In fact anti-depressants don't effect certain types of depression. They are used to relieve some people's symptoms. 

There are different types of ways to deal with depression. And lithium is one way to deal with the chemical imbalance that causes some types of depression. It's not a bad thing to relieve depressive symptoms by treating them with medications IF they are actually helping the person get through the issues that are exacerbating depressive symptoms. Although I do believe that the medical community is over medicating people with all types of medications and there are articles about the tie between psychiatric and pharmacological collusion in promoting drugs as much as possible for mental illnesses, I don't believe that drugs are the culprit. I also believe Scientology's "Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health" and it's belief that the psychiatric community is all bad and trying to promote drugs for everyone is a bunch of bull. 

As far as this article goes it seems kind of boring and general. It doesn't tell me anything I couldn't already get off the internet (sigh...). It may help people who don't know any better to go out and get information in helping themselves solve some serious problems and that is good. 

For every person that has a problem and wants a better life: keep looking and never stop. And like Buddah said: Believe Nothing. No Matter Where You Read It, or Who Said It, Even If I Have Said It, Unless It Agrees with Your Own Reason and Your Own Common Sense.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_95113476577&id=10150280911576578&ref=notif&notif_t=group_activity

I posted 2 responses to this woman's post online about anger on the "Children of Parents With Mental illness" wall. 3 more posts were added today:

More on the Anger Post:

•M J Hi All - I've been mulling on this all morning and the topic has been coming up in other conversations and corners of my life as well. I've decided I'm going to dedicated my July blog to the topic of Anger. Does anyone object if I reference this conversation or, if there is a statement I would like to quote would people be ok with it? And would you want to be credited or not credited if I use a quote?

7 hours ago · Like

MRS 

WOW Maggie....I am "glad" that my recent emotion sparked such a constructive response here LOL. I have always tried to be stronger than my anger and not succumb to it but sometimes, I see where I am at in life and know exactly how I got there and how so much stemmed from my outrage and fleeing my parents' home. I think the children of the mentally ill, through no fault of their own, take a longer time after leaving home to heal and reacquaint themselves with their own person and individuality. In my 40s now, I can just address the angry child in me who stuffed it all inside and this girl I was, had to keep silent about so much going on around her in life. I am so glad you are going to blog on this. I was so mad visiting my folks the last couple of weeks. My dad's manipulative nature and the way he can be verbally abusive when he wants attn, it just made me sick to my stomach because he isn't even the one with the diagnosis. His childishness is how he responded to my overbearing mother and I just get so resentful that he feeds off being so ridiculous at 80. I am angry because they won't be around much longer and nothing ws ever done for either of them to take responsibility for what they did to their daughters. We will just have to make and find that closure on our own and when my folks leave this planet, it will be extra sad because they never said they were sorry for the stuff they put us through. the only apology I got for this life was the one I received from my mother IN A DREAM ! WHAH

6 hours ago · Unlike · 2 people

•CPB 

‎M J, before I reply personally to this topic, I would like to share a good article on anger, that you could use for your blog: http://www.123webpages.co.uk/user/index.php?user=mgc&pn=10734

http://www.123webpages.co.uk/user/index.php?user=mgc&pn=107

http://www.123webpages.co.uk/user/index.php?user=mgc&pn=1

Manchester Gestalt Centre for psychotherapy and counsellingis a group of psychotherapists, trainers, supervisors and organisational consultants. From our Gestalt perspective, we work with an emphasis on awareness, relationship and integration to facilitate the natural human capacity and drive to be healthy.

Welcome to our website! We hope that you find it useful and informative,and it is our aim to update it on an ongoing basis. Please check back with us on a regular basis to get news of new short courses, publications etc. Links to other parts of the website, and to other sites, appear in brown. We have also added many more online articles, and a new page, 'MGC Noticeboard'. We welcome comments and suggestions on how to improve the website.

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I was able to get some things done and get out of the house.

Made me feel better about myself: Getting up and getting out almost immediately.

Group And Support...

TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2011

Mood - I didn't go to bed until 5:00 am. I felt better than felt worse and took a nap. The nap was semi physical semi-mood related I think my attitude towards dong the lawn wasn't so positive. Knowing I had to go to RIBPSG and moderate was a positive as far as getting up and out.

Physical - I took an allergy pill when I got up. I felt groggy today and very stuffed up when I went to the bathroom. Around 1:00 pm I took a nap, I was feeling tired and a little over heated and honestly didn't want to weed whack the lawn like my Mother asked. The day was very warm but I caught an attitude and had to tell myself to stop being so pathetic and go do the lawn. She wasn't asking much of me! She didn't even sound like she was being facetious when she said she knew I was busy and just hoped I had the time. Hmmm, maybe she's catching on to how to push my buttons... Good for her, I needed to get my ass out side and active.

Woke up - I woke up at 10:15 am. I was happy with myself this morning. 

Activities - I ate a bagel and two bowls of corn flakes, not proud of that. I also went upstairs and wrote the past two days worth of Daily Pages. Shirking the lawn, I read the Oriental Traders catalog until I got paranoid that Mom was looking in on me and then took a nap. I wasn't feeling that great a bit of a headache but I didn't take the excedrin migraine. Once I woke up it was 3:20 pm and I figured I wouldn't have time to weed whack. Still I put on my leggings (ewww fat woman in leggings!) got on the work sneaks and went downstairs trying to prevent that part of myself from convincing me that I should turn around and malinger upstairs. {I suspect I do that more often than not and I think if I stop goofing off I'll be able to accomplish some things and actually feel better about myself physically and mentally. The guilt that I might be imitating Dad's BS makes me disgusted with those kinds of actions.I'm hoping to put that disgust to good use my positively motivation myself by looking at the bad actions and rewarding myself with praise when I don't fall back on goofing off. I actually finished the weed whacking in an hour. I felt pretty good about myself and I think Mom was happy about it.When I act more like a responsible adult she acts more deferential towards me. I sometimes feel like she is being manipulative but if it makes me feel better about myself I figure leave it alone. Sometimes examining a good thing too closely tarnishes it's worth.}

I helped out at dinner time by giving Dad his condiments in small plastic containers we typically don't use. Since he sits inside when we have cookouts we usually put the bulk of the condiments on the picnic table. Dad also has the habit of (as my Mother puts it,) "serving himself condiments as if they were vegetables." He has little self control when it comes to eating. Again I told my Mother explicitly my efforts in dealing with Dad's bad eating habits. So that she can see that I am not trying to be passive-aggressive but pre-portion control his meals I told her about the little plastic containers.

Paul really upset Mom yesterday. She kept him inside all day today reasoning that he must be disturbed lately with the work going on next door. I can't say as I can blame Paul, I am so fed up with it sounding like a freaking gravel pit over there. Lately heavy machinery has been moving the earth around. It's aggravating me!

I took most of the dinner fixings inside leaving Mom to deal only with the paper plates and dish the burgers and hot dogs were on. I changed upstairs then noticed that C texted me about getting my windshield wipers changed and stopping by Carquest. I called and left him a message asking if I could do it tomorrow since I had the group to go to. NW called me unexpectedly but the call broke up. She called me later and I told her as I negotiated the back roads to Slocum what I was up to. She told me to test her when I got back home.

I got to the WarPubLib around 6:15 pm. In a typical mind f*ck that my brain likes to play on me, I didn't have to be there until 6:30 pm. Luckily I sat there feeling guilty I had "gotten there so late," I figured I should hang out for at least half an hour in case anyone else was in my "predicament". When A and J1 showed up I was really happy to see them! What a freaking dummy. 

J2 also showed up a little later and when the clock came to 6:45 pm we started the meeting. D and I had agreed that we would have as the topic: "Are You In A Safe Place?" It was a basic easy topic that people could make pretty much a snap decision about and was a topic that is important as well as one that could introduce self explanations on peoples' views on safety. (It's 1:13 and DAMN I'M HUNGRY!!!) We went until 8;00 pm where J1 (awesome, I'm so glad she was watching the clock,) called time. We had the room from 6:30 pm until 8 pm. 

I continued to talk to J2 while walking with her to her car. She has many situations going on right now. Luckily J1 is well aware of the human service sector as well as being served by it. She's been talking a lot with J2 online about her situations. I'm glad to hear this, both J1 and J2 seem to know what they're talking about. I'm not involved with that kind of life event anymore since the boys grew up.

After I drove over to Showcase to see if I could catch E coming out of the newest X men movie. She had her french teacher with her, B and it was nice to meet him. This is where I regret meeting someone new. Throughout today the narrator in my head kept telling me that I was saying suspect things and looking like a total asshole. It pointed out to me that talking about the boys involvement in their business and my Parents' science background was obnoxious. It asked me continually if I was trying to impress everyone in the group. I was miserable driving to Showcase. I felt like a fraud and a counterfeit. And then it hovered over my sis, B and I and kept telling me to look at B's eyes. His eyes were telling me he knew I was a big fat phony. I hate you so much. I hated myself.

I drove to E's house and spent a very little time with her just because I haven't seen her. I also figure that she won't suspect how bad it's ben if I put in a sanity appearance. So good so far. Went home around 11:45 pm and resisted the urge to stop at Mc D's. I really have almost no money now and can't afford jack or shit. 

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote Sunday's, yesterday's and today's Daily Page. I want to take the activity from yesterday and write it down in the Workbook or maybe make it into a document and print it out for the book and complete it.  

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I'll call SM and see when she wants me to come over tomorrow, it's been so long. Dinner tomorrow there with the 'rents and J and the girls. What does SM want for her birthday next month?

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: Thursday Mom, Dad and I plan on going to James and Sui May's house for dinner. I plan on going earlier to see Sui May for a little bit. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata, you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Some Other Links That May Help:

I posted 2 responses to this woman's post online about anger on the "Children of Parents With Mental illness" wall.

M R S

TODAY, I am feeling really angry. Anger is a waste of time, at least that is what a lot of people say, but somedays, I want to be angry and embrace the anger. I am really mad today, thinking about how my past has affected the outcomes in my life that I know are directly related to my upbringing. Everything from how I feel some days, to the job I ended up, to the people I let do me wrong. But I don't feel any self pity. I am just pissed off at what I was given. Sometimes, I say that what I was given made me strong and made me tough and made me who I am....but on the other hand, days like today, I just feel like crawling into bed and crying and not paying attention to the things that aregood. But then that leads to guilt because things could be so much worse. What do people on here do about their anger?

June 15 at 5:37pm · Like · · Unsubscribe

•

• S S When I am able to I use anger as an energy to get me motivated to change or for action. I don't think anger is a waste of time, I think that some of the potential results of anger can lead to wasting time on actions that don't give me any positive results like guilt, fear and avoidance. Anger can help me feel powerful about something I think is important. And if I can use that to further myself and get something positive out of it I don't think anger is a negative feeling at all.

• June 15 at 5:49pm · Like · 2 people

•

• L F My mother blames me for her mental issues (she was diagnosed with post natal depression which was only properly diagnosed four years later as bipolar) and I do spend some of my time angry at that. My actions do not show anger and I am not violent so I feel that it's a natural and effective release.

• June 15 at 6:00pm · Like

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• J C Go for a run.

• June 15 at 7:52pm · Like · 1 person

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• J L I don't feel that anger is a waste of time either. It helps you to evaluate what's going right and wrong in your life. I'm still angry about the way I was brought up... The anger is where my passion comes from and why I know that so much needs to change in the world. Right now I'm working at finding others who feel the same so that we can channel it an make a difference. You definitely didn't deserve the bad things in your upbringing and it's totally normal to be angry about it. I'm sure that anyone in your position would be too.

• June 15 at 10:09pm · Unlike · 1 person

•

• M R S Well, I walked four miles. It was all I could do. I feel a little better. I want to punch something....or have some quick and painless romance but that isn't really my style. Thanks everyone for posting....ty

• June 15 at 11:16pm · Unlike · 2 people

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• T F i just start on the house

• June 16 at 12:35am · Like

•

• C P B I still want to reply to this post but haven't found the time...

• about an hour ago · Like

•

• M J Hey M R S, this post was very timely when I read it a few days ago. I had been helping someone else with similar history get in touch with her anger, and over the past few months I had been getting in touch with mine. It seems this is an important step in a healing process that a person get to a sense of wholeness.

• 14 minutes ago · Unlike · 1 person

•

• S S It is something I am currently examining in my life, anger and it's effects on my thoughts and actions. I have been aware that I have quite a lot of anger that is stuffed inside of me. I also realize that I am afraid of it and it's potential effect on how I view the world and my opinions on other people. I would like to be able to harness the energy it gives my while taming it's influence on my thoughts, beliefs and actions.

http://www.thecrookedhouse.org/

The Crooked House offers a window onto a world

often invisible to others.

From video interviews of real experiences gain insights, understanding...as people share their stories.

Also find resources for recovery for families dealing with mental illness

If you had (or have) a parent(s) with mental illness, we would like to hear from you. Please write to The Crooked House Forum. There's a 500 word maximum and we would like you to address one or more of these topics...

• Your greatest fear or loss...
• What saved you, how you became resiliant...
• What you gained in understanding, compassion, wisdom...
• What you would like to tell another in the same situation...

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: Hearing that J1 thought I did a good job today in spite of the narrators taunts.

Made me feel better about myself: Hearing J2 talk about herself and situation and agreeing to maybe go for coffee sometime soon. (G*d I hope that's kosher) She is different in person than who I thought she was online. It only proves that I need to back off criticizing on people and situations I don't fully know or understand.

 An Eye Opener: A's revelation on Dr. Kisch!

A Helping Hand and A Random Encounter...

MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2011

Mood - I didn't go to bed until 4:00 am this morning. Yesterday's all nighter and migraine reminded me why I don't want to thoroughly destroy my sleep habits bad or not. Still today although I slept later than I think is good for me once I got up and responded to O's call I felt better about myself.

Physical - I took 2 excedrin migraine pills around 4:00 pm at O's apartment. I felt groggy today but not stuffed up until I went to O's apartment. While helping her deal with her storage area I got a little over heated. The day was very warm but her storage area is next to the washing and drying machines.

Woke up - I woke up at 12:00 pm. I would like to get up earlier and do something constructive in the morning. 

Activities - I ate a bagel with tuna salad. I called O back and we agreed that I'd go over to her house so that I could help her reorganize her belongings in her storage area and find a few items she needed today. I first drove to the new medical building joined to SC Hospital to meet her at an ophthalmology appointment she is still after 6 months having problems with her eyes. I then went to Rite Aide next to Belmont's to wait with her for her prescription. I saw and chatted with H.Rogers there. After buying an iced tea lemonade drink we left for another Rite Aide in North Kingston. I went to her house after driving the back roads. I asked for a glass of water took some excedrin migraine and she picked up her apartment while we talked.We talked a bit more than went and reorganized her storage area by relocating it to the first room from the last. Then we sat on line and looked for a fry pan she had been thinking about an All-Clad Julia Child edition. I had met her newest boyfriend, Gary and he was busy making them dinner. So I left and went to BJ's filled my car up with gas and bought 2 packages of 24 bagels each and another box of 48 granola bars (!!! damn who the hell is eating them all?!!!). I bought a Cilantro's pulled pork burrito that contained: fried onions and peppers, brown rice, black beans, pulled pork, guacamole, chopped tomatoes, corn salsa, lettuce, cilantro, jalapenos, and sour cream. 

I drove home after texting Sui May who invited Mom, Dad and I to dinner at their house on Thursday. The weather was warm and it was very sunny outside today. Paul had escaped Mom informed me when I entered the house and said "hi". I went online but helped Mom put some sheet garters on her bed so her very stretched sheet elastics would hold the sheet onto her bed. C asked me if I wanted to play "You Don't Know Jack!" Thursday night but I told him about Sui May's offer.
Paul did eventually come in when Mom went outside and called him. He stood behind her and "chattered" at her seemingly to let her know he was there for her call. I am SO hungry right now and trying to fight the impulse to go downstairs and get something to eat (2:50 am).

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I found another possible workbook activity it is listed in the "links" list below.  

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. The RIBPSGroup is meeting tomorrow at the Warwick Public Library at 6:00 pm, Room 100.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: Thursday Mom, Dad and I plan on going to James and Sui May's house for dinner. I plan on going earlier to see Sui May for a little bit. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata, you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Some Other Links That May Help:

How do you respond when people in your life experience profound emotion? Does it make you uncomfortable? What’s the best way to handle these situations? Do tell…

Feeling compassion for my fellow humans,

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/where-is-the-love.html

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/where-is-the-love.html#ixzz1PsgR3awo

There are different feelings in life, just as there are different people in life. There are different ways to deal with pain and different types of pain to deal with. 

Before you ever touch someone ask them if they want to be touched. That is common courtesy. Many times people don't know how to handle other people's pain. Some people are superstitious about other people's pain and don't want to get involved. Some people are afraid of other people's pain. I am one of those people. I am emphatic also but because of my disability other people's emotions effect me and my mood and can bring strong repercussions upon me. Sometimes it makes me angry when they are sad. Sometimes it brings depression on. And sometimes it makes me laugh. I tend to avoid strangers that exhibit public displays of intense emotion. Whether it is giddiness, crying  or anger if an acute mental response is accompanied by a strong physical response it tends to make me respond in a correspondingly severe reaction. And sometimes that makes me very ill. 

Your response to another's emotional action is to comfort the person having an emotional reaction. When I see a person with an intense public emotional reaction I give them wide berth and even leave the area. I am not responsible for someone else's pain as much as I am responsible for my own emotional state. Personal emotions are not emergencies like a physical crisis. Unless a person asks me specifically for help I do not interfere with another person's expression of emotion. I don't feel guilty for having wide boundaries. They are in my life for a reason. 

If a stranger were to approach me while I was having an emotional break down it would frighten me and increase my already agitated state. I would want someone to respect my boundaries and ask me if they could help first. That way I would have the opportunity to refuse their help and find a more private place to break down if possible. I treat other people as I would like to be treated.

There are illnesses that affect people emotionally where they do not respond to other people's emotions in typical ways. They may laugh at a funereal, they may cry at a comedy and other inappropriate expressions that may aggravate other people's emotional expectations. So although we all feel to a certain extent we don't all exhibit emotions in the same way. Do what you think is right respectfully but do not expect other people to share your views on emotions and reacting to other people's emotional displays. And don't judge other people for not wanting to respond as you do. I am not a bad person because I can't comfort someone that is aggravating my mental state. It is better for them and for me if I leave them alone.

http://www.thecrookedhouse.org/

The Crooked House offers a window onto a world

often invisible to others.

From video interviews of real experiences gain insights, understanding...as people share their stories.

Also find resources for recovery for families dealing with mental illness

If you had (or have) a parent(s) with mental illness, we would like to hear from you. Please write to The Crooked House Forum. There's a 500 word maximum and we would like you to address one or more of these topics...

• Your greatest fear or loss...
• What saved you, how you became resiliant...
• What you gained in understanding, compassion, wisdom...
• What you would like to tell another in the same situation...

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: C asking me if I'd like to play "You Don't Know Jack!" and seeing H.Rogers unexpectedly in Rite Aide.

Made me feel better about myself: Helping O with reorganizing her storage area.

An Interesting Insight That Allows Me to Stop Being Angry At Myself...

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2011

Mood - I didn't go to bed until 10:00 am this morning. I was frantically looking for lodging online for September in Philly.

Physical - I didn't go to bed but took 2 excedrin migraine pills around 3:00 pm and lay down with ice on my neck and forehead. I felt awake all night but not hypo-manic. It's been very cool at night. The day was very warm.

Woke up - I didn't sleep all night. I slept between 10:00 am and 3:00 pm. I don't know what to hope for tomorrow except that I get too bed before 3:00 am. 

Activities - I stayed online all night looking for lodging in Philadelphia. I got little done. Around 7:00 am Dad bothered everyone about that new f*in' television. He's not used to turning it on and off so he wanted someone to turn it on for him. I told him I didn't know how to do it since he's done that before and I flubbed and f*ed it up. I gave Dad his Father's Day present and card after I wrapped and wrote them this morning. I made myself a bagel with melted cheese. I then turned on Dad's new television correctly so he could watch it and showed Mom that I used the television remote to turn on the television. Then I used the Verison remote to turn the cable box on, turned the channel to 3 and the television came on correctly. I made Mom an omelet then went upstairs and continued online until I decided that that was enough. I shut out all the windows and turned of the computer around 9:30 am. I lay down to take a nap and passed out. 

About 3:00 pm I got up with a migraine. The weather was warm and it was very sunny outside. I took the excedrin. I went downstairs and got two cold packs and put them on the back of my neck and forehead after shutting the curtains, put on some sunglasses and rested. C asked me by text if I wanted to see a movie. I figured that it would be good to get out. Mom and Dad were going to S's house for a Father's Day dinner and were suppose to leave around 4:00 pm. Mom asked me to get Paul in before they left. I tried calling him but he seemed to be nowhere about. So C and I went to Warwick to the Showcase. The roads were crowded with sunday drivers. Everyone going under the speed limit and acting more stupid than the weekdays. Typical RI on a Sunday and very frustrating. We were able to catch the previews before seeing the movie so the back roads were a good driving decision. 

We saw The Green Lantern, a DC Comic movie. it was better than I expected and I had a small epiphany while watching it. I wrote in my sketch book: "Over come fear with courage my internal struggles have..." (Garbled and written together,) "...been with fear and courage." "Do not discard the mundane it may hold a key that you need for energy by enlightenment."

Although the move was alright I am glad I went and watched it with C. It got me out of the house, I spent time with C (who wished me a Happy Fathers Day ~that struck me to the core but I said nothing to him about it. I didn't want to ruin the moment although it may have only been a moment for me.~) and I had an insight about a struggle in my life that helped me to feel a little less like a shmuck and more like a person who deserved to be respected by them self if no one else.

We went to wendy's afterwards and I got my usual: Double burger, no cheese, no mayo, large sized and a Diet Coke. C payed for my ticket and meal. Every time he does that it breaks my heart. All the things I wish I gave him, all the times I let us down as a family. If it was guaranteed that my sons would succeed and be happy (in whatever way they wanted to be happy healthily,) and I only had to sacrifice my life for that wish I would not hesitate to give it for them. The only present that I know I can give them is the promise that I won't commit suicide because I know that it would hurt them deeply. I hate being alive so much I fantasize about finishing all my living business so that I can just finish off living in one day.

We came home and K helped me try to find P that little crud. He wouldn't come home until Mom and Dad returned. K and I took a walk around Li'l Comfort in the hopes P would join us and come home. We then took a ride to Brewed Awakenings and I got K a coffee. I wasn't thirsty. We drove to the Wall sat and talked but the talk is all the same. Being stuck in each of our respective lifestyles that we chose recently. Dealing with a person who is suppose to be calling the shots but is in denial much of the time about how events are panning out and how to deal with the other people in the group. Frustration, I get angry and I'm tired of it. I told K that next time we get together that I want to do something fun with him. maybe go to Spices n' Things and get some ingredients for an Indian dish and make it with him. Just him and I. So I aim to make a plan for fun for us. Something cheap with a definite beginning and a definite end and a result we can end up enjoying together. 

We came home and I got on line after eating about 4 "raw" hot dogs and drinking a diet Pepsi with lemon. Looked at facebook and posted a comment on a video I wasn't very fond of that was posted on: Children of Parents with Mental Illness's facebook wall.

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today.   

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. 

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: A reminder: This coming Tuesday the 21st: RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata, you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Some Other Links That May Help:

http://pic.tv/realamericanfamily/video/episode-4-mental-illness/

Bipolar Bear says: June 20, 2011 at 5:10 am

Wow, I found that really offensive. I’m glad that I read the blurb below it. The writers tried way too hard to put way too much information into a short span of time and make it look light hearted. I felt the result trivialized mental illnesses and didn’t express successfully what I thought the message this video was suppose to be about: how to explain mental illnesses to your child and how to relate to a child with a mental illness.
I think that what can be gleaned from this video is that mental illnesses really deserve more consideration and tact to describe the differences between them and their effects on the person with a mental illness and the people who support the person with a mental illness.
After reading the comments below the video many people who commented seemed to think it was an effective way of getting across mental illness to people who could not and can not seem to talk about it. My comment here isn’t meant to denigrate the writer or the actors or even the message of the video.
I spoke in front of different levels of people from elementary school to college about my mental illness as a representative of NAMI (national Alliance for the Mentally Ill,) in the early 2000′s for a program called IMI (Inside Mental Illness.) I felt the program was very successful because people in the classrooms had a chance to come up after the presentation to ask questions and share their own experiences. Many people thanked my partner and I (it was presented by two people who had mental illnesses for balance and effectiveness,) afterwards and shared stories of family members or friends with us. I think this video would be mocked in many public schools because it oversimplifies the subject matter. It’s almost like many PSAs: too campy, the audience thinks you’re joking, too general and you’ve lost your audience.
I really do think it’s important to make mental illnesses safe topics to talk about so I admire your willingness to approach a stigmatized and complex topic and include it as an episode in your film series “Real American Family”. A big plus is that it was posted today on the wall of a facebook group called Children of Parents with Mental Illness. How ever people felt about it creating a discussion about difficult topics is always good, I think.

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: C "Happy Fathers Day".

Made me feel better about myself: I expressed that i wanted to have fun with K next time instead of just rehashing the frustration and anger about our seemingly unresolved situations.

Don't Know, Don't Care And I'm Feeling It Today...

SATURDAY, JUNE 18, 2011

Mood - I didn't care about getting up. I woke up around 1:00 pm. I feel groggy today and tired. No motivation at all.

Physical - I went to bed last night at 4:30 am but didn't sleep until at least 5:00 am. I feel not as nasty this morning as I did yesterday. It's been very cool at night. 

Woke up - Woke up around 1:00 pm with Mom and Dad bitching at each other. I was worried and thought I should get up before it escalated. I hope to get up before 11:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - I got up around 1:00 pm. Took nothing although my eyes have felt puffy most of the day. I made tuna salad out of 3 cans, Mom was a bit snippy saying, "Think you made ENOUGH tuna?" I said nothing but wanted to clobber her. Mom and I went for a walk to Galilee and on the beach down to Sand Hill cove. E came over today to help Dad with his television, he screwed it up because he's not used to it. She came over for dinner later on. after the walk I sat down and watched one of the Law & Order shows with Dad. I then went downstairs and moved the table saw into the laundry room so I could cut the 2 x 4s better.

We ate salmon, green salad, rice and zucchini. E, Mom and I went for a walk afterwards to Galilee and got ice cream, 2 scoops of chocolate peanut butter on a sugar cone. I came upstairs and got back online. 

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page.  

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. 

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: A reminder: This coming Tuesday the 21st: RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: The fact that I took two walks.

Made me feel better about myself: I didn't sleep until 2:00 pm.

I Don't Think Any of you Assholes are Gods No Matter How Talented You Are...

FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2011

Mood - I had a small migraine when I woke up around 10:00 am (S texted me). I woke up around 11:00 am with the alarm I set up took both the allergy medication and the excedrin migraine ad. I feel groggy today and tired. It's raining.

Physical - I went to bed last night at 3:00 am but didn't sleep until at least 4:00 am. I feel bloated and nasty this morning. It's been very cool at night. 

Woke up - Woke up around 11:00 am with the alarm I set up and knowing I was planning on helping Erika with her porch. I hope to get up before 11:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - I got up around 11:10 am. Took the meds before then and had a migraine at 11:00 am. I flushed the gourami down the toilet today, it is dead for sure. Paul was inside since it was raining, thundering and lightening was striking. I went to CVS with Mom. E called Mom to let me know not to come today. She probably won't connect dad's television in either so whatever. 

Mom plans on taking Dad to the movies tonight. I feel like crap all bloated and yucky so I am just not in the mood to go out. 

I stayed home. Beth Y got in touch with me tonight and is planning on coming to RI from NM. She may drop by when she gets here. It thundered and the lightening struck most of the night. Just as Mom and Dad got back from dinner and the movies K and I were leaving for coffee. I picked up my mail at the Post Office and K talked to me about business. 

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today and yesterday. I wrote today's Daily Page.  

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. 

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: A reminder: This coming Tuesday the 21st: RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: The fact that K didn't seem anxious about sitting and talking with me today.

Made me feel better about myself: Not much.

Get Up Get Out Get Outta My Life...

THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 2011

Mood - I woke up and got up around 11:00 am with the alarm I set up. I feel not great but no headache today.

Physical - I went to bed last night at 3:00 am but didn't sleep until at least 5:00 am. It's been very cool at night enough for a sweater. 

Woke up - Woke up at 11:00 am with the alarm. I hope to get up before 11:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - Woke up at 11:00 am with the alarm and Mom told me she was taking Dad to Pawtucket so she could order her boots for her skates. I went downstairs and ate the meat loaf and left over stir fry. I took a shower. There was no shower curtain on the stall bar so I did my best not to deflect water out into the floor and mat. I went online and looked at the Jonnycake Center's policy's on getting food. Then I heard a knock on the door around 2:30 pm. I expected Nancy to be coming around 3:00 pm so I didn't know who would be there. I went down still in my terry cloth robe but no one was at the door. I went upstairs again thinking I was hearing things and sat down on the computer again. Another knock on the door, so I headed down again. And again, no one at the door. At this time I was getting pissed. I went upstairs, peered out the bathroom window and saw a car on the lawn, not Nancy's either. I put on some sandals this time and E called me. I can't even remember what we talked about except she wanted me to bring her Best Buy card over to her at work. She was planning on buying Dad a television for his Father's Day present (except I didn't realize it was for Father's Day, I thought that it was for his birthday). So she asked me why I seem agitated except in not the same way. I told her about the mysterious knocker. I went outside and the lady was sitting in her car. When E met me later for the card and television pickup she said I was really nasty to the woman. I was very annoyed for having to go up and down the stairs, I now feel bad i was so angry with the woman. Turned out that nancy wasn't coming today and they sent this woman who claimed she met me before. I don't remember her at all. At that point E asked me if I wanted her to call Mom to see where she was. I said yes and hung up. I told the lady that Nancy usually didn't come until 3:00 pm typically. E called me back to tell me that Mom was only 5 minutes away. So Mom came back and I went upstairs again to get dressed. 

I left for E's house around 5 pm. I called her when I got there like she asked. I found the two cards that she asked me to bring her. I played with the cats while deciding what I would do with the rest of the time I had until E got out at 8 pm.

I left for Middletown, picked up 420 when I got there and drove over to the Christmas Tree Shop. I bought another gift for L and some snacks as well as a few things to stuff inside the piñata I'm planning on making. I went to Rite Aide to wander and wait for E. i bought a Father's Day card there while waiting. E introduced me to one of the techs. who was planning on buying a horse since the one she had now was getting old. Once E got out we went directly to Best Buy and picked up the 32" television.

We decided over dinner at Ruby Tuesday's that I'd take the gift back to the house and hide it behind the current television he's been watching until she could set it up for him. I called James as I drove home for details on taking the girls for this Sunday and next. He told me that Marissa was taking them this Sunday and The 26th was too busy so it wasn't going to happen. I was confused but whatever. I felt like he was trying to passively aggressively tell me he didn't want me taking the kids. Mom said later in the kitchen that she didn't think so so I let it go.

C came back later from the rehearsal dinner for J's wedding. I asked him to come to my bedroom so I could ask him to help me with the television. Once C showed up at my door he told me how J and his fiance C got in a car accident and missed the dinner so he didn't know what his duties were as an usher. We waited until Dad went to bed and Kevin showed up as we went outside. So kevin took the television in to the living room and placed it behind the television stand.

WRAP - I wrote today's Daily Page. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. erika and I planned to sort through her porch tomorrow. 

  

A reminder: This coming Tuesday the 21st: RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: Seeing the cats and having dinner with Erika.

Made me feel better about myself: I took a shower.