This is the kind of thinking or chemical reaction or behavioral residue that really erodes my confidence. Yesterday I was finishing up the castle piñata, finally I felt like I was at a pinnacle where I could accomplish things and enjoy spending time with people. This is difficult for me. I am always afraid I will say something wrong or start tweaking out with anxiety or feeling like I am an unrequited scum bag. I hate spending time with people because of the fear that my emotions will prevent me from enjoying social visits. I am not free with these clowns and monkeys on my back.
Shannon and I decided that Saturday we'd go to a Chinese Buffet together her, the kids and Mike. It's been an extra long month and no one had any cash. I did get some gas for her and a pack of cigarettes because they were low. I know how it can get with kids and responsibilities, life is expensive. Anyway I texted her last night, I was seeing the end of this monthly project of the castle and was looking forward to maybe celebrating. At the same time I was worried the Mom would not be able to carry the piñata and deal with Dad when she went to Olivia's birthday party. So I texted her and then figured I'd deal with it when she either texted me back depending on the time or just decided when the time became appropriate. Long story short she texted me late and she told me about her week being long and told me she wanted to just hang at home.
I'm annoyed and offended because she posted pictures or her and Jaelyn at the Chinese Buffet. And it's a big SO WHAT and I feel angry. Worst is I don't want to waste my time with these angry feelings. I don't want anyone to be that important to me. I hate people.