Various Musings on Abuse

I don't know how to handle abusive situations. I've always just suffered them or escaped them when I could get out of the situation. Attending groups at shelters never helped give me any idea how to handle abuse. It was mostly repeating that men were evil and women were innocent. When asked what to do about the abuse women were told to leave. I mean before hand therapists told you you could secretly get a bag ready with money and clothes and hide it when the time was good. You had to leave out the back like a thief. Women (because men were never abused,) were expected to be powerless victims and act like they had no control over the situation.

To listen to rhetoric about abuse and people who've been abused you'd think that victims have no choices. I never agreed with the advice of the people who were there to help me through the abusive event. I've found that abuse is many times not an event. Abuse comes from human manipulation and social influence. It involves more than the victim and the perpetrator. Many abuse victims encounter multiple abusers in their lives sometimes more than once during a set period. Personally I have been in many abusive situations with different abusive people in different places. School, the baby-sitter's, home, family events, the hospital and even public places have been areas where I've been assaulted or abused or bullied. I believe that specific training could help me to be more assertive and possibly reduce the abuse that happens to me. I really think that finding ways to deal with other people will help me be less of a target and lower my stress and anxiety. 

I have been experiencing abuse since I was a toddler. Over the years my siblings, parents, classmates and baby-sitter's children have had their turns. I've grown up an untrusting paranoid adult who often experiences suicidal wishes. Depression has followed me throughout my life. I've been called lazy for sleeping often and deeply until *I* sought diagnosis and discovered I am bipolar. Then it seemed everyone let out a gradual sigh of relief as if to say: "OHhhhhh that is why you are so fucked up! We were right! It wasn't our faults! You are defective! We were not wrong in blaming you for your problems!" My parents thought I was retarded because I had delayed reading and speaking skills. I was in special education classes for my delays. I've had unusual sleeping habits where I'd walk our dog at 2 am while everyone was asleep. All the signs that there were problems all through my past had been discarded. It was okay though because there was nothing anyone could have done, right? When your brain chemistry is faulty it means EVERYTHING in your life is your fault. 

There has been many times that bullying and abuse has happened to me. In our family every person has experienced and seen abuse. It has been a part of our lives and part of the communication (or miscommunication,) in family interactions. Through mobbing techniques we were taught to be quiet and not question or whine as children. Throughout my childhood I felt I was never wanted nor loved. But always felt guilty. I should love my Mommy, I should love my Daddy. They worked hard to keep me in food and under roof. I never asked for them to work all the time. I only wanted to be safe. Truely what I wanted was not important. I was stupid and lazy anyway in everyone else's eyes. I was raised to believe that I am wrong, guilty and undeserving. That is the basis of my low self esteem. The climate of abuse and victimization over such a long time had eroded any will that I've had to live and thrive. It damaged the belief that I could have a happy life. Knowing that I am a loser and that I can't win with family or anyone that I have loved has kept me down and unmotivated to believe that I deserve help or can successfully get help in my life. 

The therapeutic help that was given to me was so flawed and unprofessional that it was detrimental to my building trust in anyone with a psychology degree. The therapist that brought me bags of food while I was in public, on the street without my permission or requesting it. The therapist who told me that since my son would not talk he didn't need therapy for the molestation by his Godfather. The many doctors who told me that I wasn't bipolar, or they didn't have time to listen to me and only prescribed drugs or that what I was describing as indicators of bipolar disorder were not symptoms. The years I was given antidepressants and roller coastered up and down without a doctor questioning if it was the medication that was wrong. Professionals in the field of therapy and psychological disorders are less reliable than any other medical profession that I have ever met.

Who am I? What am I doing? How can I live in a safe atmosphere? I was able to make a safe place for myself and my children after leaving abusive situations more than twice in the past. The only person I could ever trust was me. And the problem was that I was not stable. I could have boundless energy at one time or not be able to get out of bed another. And I knew that the abuse, neglect and molestations I had suffered were part of the problems of keeping myself balanced. Whether or not my chemicals were balanced in my head if my psychological history was still affecting me and determining my self esteem, anxiety, social interactions as well as my paranoia levels it could trip up the bipolar symptoms as well as send me into a deep depression that was not chemical related but could become chemically detrimental.

These are notes from a documentary that I partially watched last night: "Human Resources"

The driving force in society is not love but fear. John B. Watson.

Irrationality of Rationality.

Taylorism _ Fragmentation of the workers is encouraged so that classcism is beneficial to the rulig classes. Discouraged workers creates workers who are not involved with their communities. They have lowesteem and motivation.

A Section of Musing Over The Past...

I realize that when I was a kid I could section off the pain and enjoy the holidays. As time went on and I got older that proved harder and harder to do. There were times that I did what would seem to be crazed things. The year I refused to spend Easter with the family and made LW stay in Bristol with me. I remember the anger. I remember the resentment. I remember wanting my family to pay to suffer like I did. I was driven by rage to have a day separate from the people I blamed for my misery. 

A Lesson That Happens Every Now And Again...

Teaching K to give Paul respect. I know that K loves Paul but his history to annoy the living sh!t out of family members and animals is almost legend. Paul sees him and lays his ears back. His eyes become huge and disturbed. I used to laugh when K would tease him and make him angry. More and more I saw that Paul was beginning to hate and fear K. K was bullying him.
K is actually a very loving person. He can be so very sweet and he understands when something hurts. In fact he's very sensitive to pain and when he was little he'd try to comfort me when my anxiety attacks became unbearable. Sometimes when dealing with G/A I would actually feel like life was spiraling down on me and a huge vacuum was sucking at my guts. I felt like I was being literally pulled into H3ll and that my soul was being drawn into a dark and dank place. I would clutch C's hand and ask him if everything was okay, "Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay, right?" over and over again. I think I would scream that I was going to H3ll and plead for him not to leave me or I would be damned. It is making my eyes water up so I am going to stop thinking about it.
K didn't know how to deal with it. He would crawl into bed beside me and ask if I was okay. He was seriously concerned. I freaked him out. To this day we can create a fearsome anxiety black hole between us. It isn't pretty and I've realized in order for me to help myself and him I need to stop when I am angry, turn to him and say: "I am really mad right now. I need to talk to you about this at another time. I am not going to make sense soon so let's stop talking." Before I wind into a screaming fit and say horrid angry mean things. There is something there that makes me react very strongly to him. And he just takes it. So I have made it a point to a) stop before the meanness starts and becomes harmful, b) give him the opportunity to be mad at me by telling him that he has the right to his feelings and c) asking him politely if we can talk about the problem when I have some time to think it over and can express myself in a more polite and respectful way.
Dealing with Paul has been an exercise in letting K know that he too can be a better person. He too can control when his emotions and treatment get out of hand. He too has his own power and can use it to create fear in something, someone he loves or use it and control it so he can make a better relationship. He can make a difference to Paul and he can make it so that Paul is not afraid of him. Even that Paul may seek him out.
Although Paul may only be a cat, animals have feelings too. And when we don't abuse those feelings we can exercise our benevolent will to exist peacefully with other creatures. That sounds all dirty hippy but it reduces abuse, neglect and angry feelings. These are the things that I can do to make a different life and create a different world. I love K and Paul. I want them to be happy. This house has seen so much neglect, abuse, anger and unhappiness we need to shape it into another place. I need to exorcise the demons out of this place. I need a safe haven. It's got to start somewhere.

Ugh, Again And Again Like "Groundhog Day"...

I used to want to help other people with mental illnesses to deal with their lot in life. I realize that I have to help myself because there are many self defeating habits I have and thought processes that keep me from being happy and healthy and limit me from living even a low grade normal life.
I know, it's boring and nothing new. To me though it's really opened my eyes to how little I really know myself. And that is a door I'm not sure I want unlocked anyway.
I hate myself. I hate that I'm human. I hate that I don't look the way I want to look. I hate that I have something nasty in me that I have to hide. I hate that I am not happy 95% of the time. I hate that I second guess myself all the time because when I let my guard down and don't second guess myself I almost always shoot myself in the foot than spend so much time degrading myself for making that mistake. I hate that I am not free from my past. I hate that I can't just take off and spontaneously go somewhere because the anxiety within me prevents me from not examining the situation beforehand and stopping myself from doing something new and exciting in case I find that my head might explode with fear and self loathing.
In my dreams I travel to foreign places and enjoy the land, the sights, the noises, the smells, the food. I explore places and events without impunity. In reality the worst punishment is already wrought on me internally. My brain flogs me continually. I get tired of the repetitiveness of the same words, the same messages, the same people and places. Mostly it is my point of view. I know there are people here that are wonderful and not scary if only I could present well. The anxiety I experience just walking out the door, the messages in my head, the bridle on my senses reduce my life to monotonous drudgery of existence. I rarely see the point in this harnessed experience. I can't even express the past and the pain so that I might even benefit from what I've gone through. At least the people I love could get something from this humiliating continuation.  

Stinging Swinging and Swearing...

I'm still stinging from that @sshole at the bank. I don't want to be wasting my time over someone who obviously is unhappy enough with their life to try to make me feel small. So I am trying to work this out in my head. I am symptomatic though and that gets in the way. I've decided that I am probably going to spend Christmas on my own this year. I am fixating on two people (three if you add that twat in the bank,) and it is running my mind ragged. Sometimes I wonder if it actually is a reaction to my mind becoming bored. Does my psyche create these dramas to hold my ego in thrall so I can get other things done? Is it a tool to get me motivated with anger? I do not know.
I've been reading William Gibson's books lately. Devouring them really. They hit a chord within me.
Back to the fixating: I told Car that I was planning on not going to Christmas. He said he really didn't want to go to Christmas either. It's his only day off. I'm wondering if he and I can do something simple and nice on Christmas. I feel guilty that I would seek to save myself embarrassment on the Holiday by not showing up to a family gathering. I haven't taken medication for almost a year and even though I started right after Thanksgiving I won't have enough in me to effect my behavior by Christmas.
What is it about help? I was thinking that all day. What is it about seeking help from someone that makes people think the seeker is weak? Asking for help takes much more courage than just dealing with a problem alone. To expose yourself and your weaknesses is much stronger than hiding them and hoping they'll go away. I know, these are not questions that have never been asked. But I see people react to the same old stimuli in the same old ways. So many people unmindful of who they are how intimately they show their weaknesses by how they treat other people and how they react to information.
SM, I am afraid of. I think she's angry at me and passively aggressively ignoring me to "teach me a lesson". J, I am angry with. I think she is a spoiled child that assumes she knows everything and everyone. I want to punch her right in her face. I can't stand to even think of her at this minute she drives me nuts. And K from the bank. I want to teach that slob a lesson. Go up and ask her why her life is so miserable that she derives happiness from someone else's potential misery. Maybe it has to do with DP. I want to hear the gossip from the fiends of our past. But then once I do, I don't find it so funny. They are human. They are fallible, they are children of their genes. Do I get forgiveness if I can't give them forgiveness for the same offenses I commit? Where does the misery stop? I want off this cycle of Hell. I have my own cycle to deal with. The Bipolar ride, a chemical roller coaster to hang on to and try to manage. Let the little people have their small entertainments, I don't have time for their petty stupidities. Then again how much have these people really been challenged? If seeing a pathetic wretch suffer makes them giddy with power they can have their narrow days.
Trying to get over the hurdle of anger and find release in self control. 

Got Out, Sick But Dealing When I Can...

I went to Looney Tunes today. I wasn't planning on it. I saw A's car there and I like talking with her. She's just as angry as me and intelligent. She is also "in touch" with her emotions. Well I mean by that that she isn't uncomfortable with them.
I went to far I fear. I told her exactly how I felt. All the self hatred and pain and desire to maim and kill came out in a horrifying stream of emotional talk. She just wanted me to change something and leave the situation that I'm in. And I known that that is what most people want for me. I am raw. I am an open walking wound.
Last week I went to the bank. I dress like a slob. Basically I just don't care. I was also sick and I wanted to be comfortable. My broken zipper on my fleece hoodie with the patches hung open and my Pajama shirt hung out. I had on a pair of sweatpants that still had paint from when I helped P out with the posters. My comfy slippers scuffed on the ugly laminate tile floor.
A person I knew from high school, Kelly "served" me. She implied that I was a hopeless slacker by saying that I must be just hanging around lately. I was bleary and I do not do comebacks so I replied, "If you say so." I wouldn't give that c^nt the time of day in public but the b!tch couldn't be ignored. Afterwards I played the coulda/woulda/shoulda game with my damaged psyche. The past of being constantly bullied throughout elementary, junior and senior high came down on me like a curse. My mind reeled with the years of being called names not just by the scum bags like her in school but by my own parents, family. "Lazy", I can't even list the crap that I endured for years.
The worst of it all is as I left I turned around, waved and said, "Happy Thanksgiving!" I am a mark and I felt it. Visions of slicing her fat neck open slammed me and my Mother's chattering annoyed me. I knew if I told my Mother she would say something stupid like: "That's in the past now." or "It couldn't have been all that bad." I couldn't stand thinking that I wanted to punch my Mother in the throat.
Still when we got in the car I told her, "That's one of the sh!theads who made my life hell." I figured she needed a face to go with the constant bullying. There are many. I dwelled on the years I actually lived here, under the radar carefully not showing my face in public. Shopping after 1 am in grocery stores to avoid the past and the people I feared hadn't changed an iota from childhood. Walking around town at 5 am to avoid faces and the possibility of recognition. This c^nt confirmed my fears.
Living in fear. Living it every day. The stalking that my husband committed against me for years was nothing compared to fearing that many people I used to know will catch sight of me. RD being my Mother's plumber must have sent the 411 out there that the loser was in town.
The reality is that these people are small minded sad little people. Taking pleasure in my pain, seeking to humiliate me to make themselves feel better. I know that although I am no celebutard or rich and famous whack job I am still in a better place than them. I always was and always will be. I don't set out to hurt people to gain pleasure from it. I don't enjoy seeing someone squirm under my questions. I am attempting to climb out of my hole, be honest with people and undo the damage that people like this have inflicted on a child who was an outsider. Lucky them. They can keep their company. These are not people I want to be associated with.
I wonder to myself do I have to conquer the fear or is it a survival technique. A way of shielding myself against people who have no empathy. Is it better to hide and limit myself so that I can strengthen my own identity and understand the damage that was done? Or should I go out and try to be as shitty as they?
I talked to A about it. I gave TMI. I made her cry; the tirade of self hatred and emotions was too raw and real. She understood it and it hurt. I felt ashamed that I let the monster go. I felt like an assh0le for letting my inner reality spill out onto her. I work hard not to share these things with people. People don't understand that I don't shoot a hole in my head because I have seen the effects of what happens to a human skull once a bullet has entered and exited it and the results of the human that survives this experience. My ex took a gun and blew a hole into his head. He still had a hole in the back of his head that they had to sew up but he let me feel the scar damage. He took massive drugs, was a bad junkie and died of AIDs later on. His life was a miserable hell that he tried to escape daily. People would tell him it was a miracle he survived. He had fake teeth, headaches, talked with a slur and looked kind of fucked up. It got worse the larger his bender got. He'd lose his teeth at people's houses. His glasses would get damaged. He'd have sex with anyone. His self identity was so damaged that he would talk of God then tell me I shouldn't be his girlfriend. He'd try to fuck with my head and he succeeded; I was young. I finally told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He was too much and I needed someone who wouldn't f^ck around on me and take drugs and lie to me.
I've had a boyfriend who was a transsexual. I should have known it and I suspected something when I met him. I think I am a hero and want to rescue men who are so out of control that their lives are hanging off the edge of reality. I want to help someone who needs the help I needed back then. The black lamb, the sacrificial flesh, the rejected, the down trodden all call to me. I have turned my back on that now. I am the lamb that needs to be saved. And it's hard to have hope, sympathy, love and tenderness for the person you hate the most.
This has been the hardest part for me. I don't know how to love me. I believe all the b^ll sh!t that was thrown at me over the years. That is what years and years of different people putting you down does: you believe all the sh!t that people tell you. If it was just one person it would be simple to understand that that person is a bullying scum bag. But years of multiple people joining in and throwing stones... I hold a hard core of hate and memory of all the people who did me wrong. My memory is far and wide and deep like the oceans. It looks glassy or disturbed on top but underneath cold currents of hate freeze my mind. Hot vents of passion burn my thoughts. I know who you are and I know if I put a knife to your neck I would slit your throat like a piece of meat.
To say that is sacrilege in psychology. You are a serial killer if you even breathe that you have feelings like these. The problem is that these feelings are not abnormal. The problem is that bullying is tolerated and even an expectation in society. It is a right of passage. You "become stronger" when you weather abuse like this from undisciplined and cruel children. People tell themselves that children that do these things are innocent and grow out of it. They don't. Where do bad bosses and abusive spouses come from. How are people who abuse the system made? This is something that is not dealt with when it should be. People don't know how to handle it and the people who instigate it mask it. It is part of the violent cycle of abuse, power, control and manipulation. And the sufferer comes out sick and warped, their self esteem damaged forever. There is no healing when the pain has continued on and on. And then again once the person comes back and the abusers start in again.

Standing up to Damaging Advice and Overcoming Trauma Directives By Darlene Ouimet

Here is a good blog entry that inspired me to write this. I'd also like to thank A for her patience in listening to the toxic core of my being today. I hope the pain she is suffering becomes something she can dispense with.

Not With The Program...

I'm a little creeped out. Seems that my posts are being viewed. I suppose expecting them to not be viewed is counterproductive to posting a blog. This blog was basically just so that I could keep track of my activities to see if the WRAP program was worthwhile to do on my own. I got my answer. It's alright if I plan on basically living my life around doing the WRAP program all the time. Writing a daily page and a blog page took up a lot of time. I guess it kept me out of trouble and to a schedule but realistically I don't stay with schedules.
It's the holidays now. With Thanksgiving over and me on lithium again (CR informed me it's been maybe  a year since I've not taken any lithium and close to two years that we haven't had a face to face meeting.) My does time past when my head is busy trying to survive stress.
I think the posts I've been doing are boring. Who cares, really? I know I'm not interested in going over them. I planned on looking at them and trying to collate any worthwhile data that would help me deal with my mental health. I had hoped to add anything that would help me deal with the past and the abuse and molestation that happened to me. I have always thought a time line of abuse and major events in my life would help me put together just how screwed up I am and was at the time of the happenings. I just can't concentrate. I think I need someone focused and organized who can keep me on topic and help me deal with therapy at the same time. A group (like the WRAP group,) is too loose and unfocused. I have a terrible time trusting any therapists after all the shit that happened with the kids and I and school. So where does that leave me? Rambling on...
My identity is not static. I see myself as hero, genius, outcast, black sheep, freak, misunderstood guru and many other things. Other people see me as a good mother, a lost soul maybe other things, I don't know. I tend not to believe anything positive people say about me. I feel it is a way to get me to like them or as a reward for being nice to them or as a reward for being friends. Every thing is done for a reason. Everything is suspicious. When I can believe someone it is rare basically because it doesn't last long. I question everything. Nothing is real in reality. The older I get the worse it gets. I become adept at seeing things as a means to an end. Everything has a reason.
I lied to a friend last night. Not because I had to. I could have told them the truth: I didn't contact them immediately about something they sent me because the things my mind told me were upsetting. I know better than to tell people the truth though when it comes to my mind dictating what should and shouldn't be done. And when my mind becomes confused because of the past and the present or because of this person and another person, I freeze. Better to lie than say, "I wanted to call you but I am caught in a mental whirl of believing that you think I am a pathetic victim and you need to give me things to make yourself feel better." See, I've had that done to me in the past by friends and relatives and even therapists. I don't care to be seen as a victim or a charity case. And that is normal.
But how far do I go? I forget who I've told about my past. I forget how much each person knows. I don't care if they know about the abuse. Or the molestation. Or the bullying. Or the belief that I was retarded. Or the alcoholism in the family. Or the mental illness. Everything I say is a story about someone else. Someone who evolved into me. I am not them. I am a shell. I am nothing. That doesn't bother me. I know who I am. I know that the general public doesn't like people like me. They lay the blame for everything bad about society at the door step of people who are not "successful", who are struggling to get by. Because if you are struggling that means that you are sinful or unacceptable or lazy or... It doesn't matter really what they label people like me as. They don't want to hear it. And I don't care to waste my time on people that have no time for me.
I get easily confused. I don't know why. It could be the constant stress. It could be the anxiety. It could be that my mind works to avoid itself everyday just to stay lucid. It takes a lot of energy to look normal when every moment you wake up you want to scream and you don't remember why. I am very very good at looking normal. I don't look people in the eyes unless I am having a one on one conversation with them and I feel safe enough to talk with them. I limit my outside contact to certain people at certain times. I spend time with my friends generally on a solo basis. At parties I either drink a lot so if I get blitzed people expect me to be incoherent or say unacceptable things or I hap from person to person unless I locate someone that I feel isn't getting anxious with me presence. Once I feel a certain anxiety level with someone I either go into safe mode (shut up and smile and nod,) or leave. If I locate someone like me who also is on that edge of social acceptability (meaning they may say heinous things and laugh and make sick jokes that others would be uncomfortable with,) I may actually spend the rest of the party with them or much of the time returning to them as I mingle with the crowd.
See, I wrote much without saying a great deal.
Okay. A little story, you decide if it's true...
I was sitting down at the breakfast table hunched over a bowl of corn flakes. This is unusual since I don't like breakfast and don't like to eat at the table when my Father is there. I wasn't looking at him because I know the rules: "Don't look a (crazy, desperate, homeless, screwed up) person in the eyes if you don't want them to talk to you." You never look at my Father with an open face. You always avoid his eyes or he will start in on his broken tape recorder stories. I know this makes me look like an unfeeling mean person. You don't live with him so you can shut the fuck up.
Anyway, I was scooping the flakes into my mouth, that cereal gets soggy fast so in order to eat it while it's crunchy you have to shovel it in fast. I had had a long night of it: bronchitis, sinusitis, ear ache, migraines and all made me so tired and yet I couldn't sleep. So I'm sitting across the table from him and he knows I am not going to look at him. He's demented but not stupid or totally out of it yet. Sad but that's how it is now.
He flicks at something on the place mat next to his own place mat, a picture of a map done in a very old style. I see everything, I just don't look directly at anything or that too is an invitation for him to talk to me. Occasionally I will make small talk with him or help him with something that won't lead to a series of useless actions that makes me want to scream. I may tell you about the remote control sometime. That is a screaming story. But he's flicking something. I assume he'll do something disgusting like pick up whatever is there and eat it. You never know what he'll do now. He scratches at the plastic laminated cover of the French photo of a beach. The sand is beige, the water an aqua to cerulean blue. I can see that the thing he is flicking at is a dead house fly. I become nervous. If he picks it up and eats it I'm afraid I'll feel sick. I hurry faster to eat my cereal. He pushes the fly as it has been loosened from the place mat now. I look up because I can see he is not looking at me. It is safe to look up. I'm still a little not sure that it is a fly but figure I really don't want to know.
With one last push he says to the air: "There's a crayfish on the beach." 

Starting Cold...

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2011

Mood - I woke up a bit groggy around 8:45 am. I didn't want to face the day. I went back to bed and woke up around 11:30 am. I had a headache around 6:00 pm. WI only took the the Loratadine (10 mg) for allergies in the morning. 

Physical - Last night I took a nap around 9:00 pm. I woke up around 11:00 pm. I then stayed up until about 4:00 am. I took off the wart dresing I put on yesterday in the morning. My finger stung and was shriveled and white. Other than the headache at 6:00 pm I didn't have a migraine. I stubbed my toe walking fast back home Saturday night with Mom from Galilee. It still hurts, even tonight.  

Woke up -  I woke up a bit groggy around 8:45 am. I went back to bed and woke up around 11:30 am. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am.

Activities - What did I do for WRAP and on a workbook page. Today I wrote a Daily page and did not post one blog page. I went into town with Mom and we got a 6 foot extension cord for the freezer and some ritz crackers for the stuffies. I made stuffies. Kevin stayed home and worked on my car most of the day. He didn't eat dinner with us but ate 3 stuffies while Dad, Mom and I were at the table. We ate at 5:30 pm. Salmon, chard salad with eggs and bacon, stuffies and fried zucchini (the last of Mom's summer garden stock,) and I drank two diet pepsis. I went to sleep around 7:00 pm. I awoke at 10:30 pm (around,) and it's midnight now. I ate the rest of the chard salad at 3:00 am. It's 3:45 am now and cold so I am going to lay down and try to sleep. My side hurts for some unknown reason.

WRAP -  I wrote today's blog. No activities were done for my WRAP Workbook. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on an activity for the WRAP book. I plan on calling E about finishing work for her in her house. Yesterday I called and talked to O and we plan on getting together in the morning. I plan on getting back into writing Daily Pages and writing the blog again. 

A reminder: I plan on going over to E's house on Tuesday and seeing any list she has for me for projects to do. C and I are planning on going to see "The Lion King" on Tuesday.  O and I are planning on getting together on Thursday.

No Will To Post...

I am sorry that I have not posted since I don't know when. I haven't even written or kept up with the Daily Pages. I may be getting depressed.

No Will To Post...

I am sorry that I have not posted since I don't know when. I haven't even written or kept up with the Daily Pages. I may be getting depressed.

Blurry Eyes, Angry Inside and No Way To Exercise It Out...

TUESDAY, AUGUST 9, 2011

Mood - I got up at 12:15 am. I took both meds. when I got up and went to the bathroom. I felt increasingly warm as the morning got older. I was in bed. I felt drowsy and dopey. I don't feel okay now maybe because of my period and the predicted storm(s). My period started Thursday night. My eyes are gummy and feel blurry. Today I feel like a combination of the heat, a migraine, and my period has brought me down today in tired migraine type hang over just not as bad as yesterday. I am suspicious of anyone and feeling like people are trying to avoid me. I am trying to avoid people so that I don't lash out at them. I feel safe with C but not Mom or Dad or E or J or anyone else. I keep wanting to write on my FB page shit like "I fucking hate you, "Go to hell," "Just die," and all those types of things.

Physical - I didn't wake up until around 10 am. My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I went back to sleep and got up around 12:15 pm. I went downstairs and made myself a chicken salad on raisin bagel with lettuce and tomato. I feel tired and blurry. Most of all my eyes are fucked up my head feels warped but not as bad as yesterday. I am not active today at all I didn't get out or go swimming.

Woke up -  I got up about 12:15 pm. I took the excedrin and allergy meds but not the Aleve. I took the gummi vitamins around 1:40 pm. I took the meds late even though I felt a migraine coming on early because I felt so overheated and bleary.

Activities -I went to bed around 5:00 am. I didn't close the curtains but fell asleep after putting ear plugs in. I got up around 12:15 pm. I got up but could barely get going my head is funky and I feel dizzy and bleary still. It is a sunny hot day, with little breeze. Once I got up I went downstairs and prepared a chicken salad on raisin bagel with lettuce and tomato. I sat down and watched very little of the The Doctors show with Dad. It's like an informercial everyone is so perky and clever like Regis and Kelly Ripa . Ii seems like it's programed for people who have no lives and want to make pretend they have a buddy without actually having to go out and make the effort at having a relationship. Maybe that's why Dad loves it so. Paul came in, it's so hot outside. After I came upstairs to do my blog (I forgot to post yesterday's,) for today he skulked up. Paul is lying on Mom's bedroom floor now. While I was eating dinner downstairs J and Mom were talking by the shed. he picked up some of the metal we have in the yard and brought it to a metal yard to sell. Mom was excited that she got a better sum than she thought she'd get. We still have more to collect around the house and in the yard.

I went online and Paul came to my room and slept on my bed while I wrote half this blog. I told Mom that I wouldn't be eating at home. I located my P.O. Box keys and took all the things in the red travel bag and placed them in my purse. I drove over to my PO Box and retrieved the netflix movie and circulars. I tried to find out how much a postcard stamp cost but they didn't sell them in their "convenient" machine. Online I found out they were 29¢. I drove over to CQ which was a bad idea since Rk was there and I have a hard time dealing with him.

C and I left at 6 pm for Warwick and Wendy's. I ordered a #2 double burger (no cheese, no mayo,) large size fries and diet coke I also ordered a side salad with avocado ranch dressing. We went to see Cowboys and Aliens at the Showcase. Afterwards I dropped off E's poster and some rice to B. I came home and watched The Released a PBS Frontline report about the mentally ill and the revolving prison door. 

It's 3:30 am and I'm going to bed. I ate a lot of carrots, crackers and gorgonzola dressing. 

WRAP - I wrote some of today's blog. I wrote today's Daily Page.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on calling jerome about Thursday and Fort Adams and the Elms. THIS WEEKEND MOM GOES TO NEW YORK!! Be prepared.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I looked at Dr.Fugly.com.

Made me feel better about myself: Driving home for a minute or two I felt like people didn't hate me for a few minutes. 

Useful Links Online:

Brew Horizons - Discover the Great Taste of Homemade
BEER & WINE MAKING SUPPLIES - Rhode Island - Since 1992

WESTERN HARDWARE & AUTO

(click for more information on this location)

601 Washington Street, Coventry, RI 02816
(401) 821-3113

OPEN: Monday to Friday 8am to 6pm, Saturday 8am to 5pm

Migraine Monday, Thunderstorm Tuesday...

MONDAY, AUGUST 8, 2011

Mood - I got up at 12:30 am. I took both meds. when I got up and went to the bathroom. I had a migraine since early this morning. I went back to bed. I felt drowsy and dopey. I didn't feel okay during the day because of my period and the storm. My period started Thursday night. I was very active the past week. Today I feel like a combination of the rain, the migraine, and my period has brought me down today in tired migraine type hang over.

Physical - I woke up at 9:10 am with Mom asking me to turn off my cell alarm. My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I went back to sleep and got up around 12:30 pm. I went downstairs and made myself 2 rice, egg and bean burritos with cholula, cheese and sour cream. I feel tired like a depression weariness. Most of all my eyes are fucked up my head feels warped. I am not activity today at all I didn't get out or go swimming.

Woke up -  I got up about 12:30 am. I took the excedrin and allergy meds but not the Aleve. I took the gummi vitamins around 4:15 pm. I took the meds late even though I felt a migraine coming on early because I felt so overheated and bleary.

Activities -I went to bed around 5:00 am. I didn't close the curtains but fell asleep after putting ear plugs in. I got up around 12:30 pm. I got up but couldn't get going my head hurts and I feel dizzy and bleary still. It is a sunny rainy day, with little breeze. Once I got up I went downstairs and prepared 2 rice, egg and bean burritos with cholula, cheese and sour cream. I sat down and watched some of the The Doctors show with Dad and Mom, it's such crap enough little questions to make it look like they care but so much phony promotions like that exercise woman "guru" and exercise questions for her. "You can live JUST like her! It's easy!" Uh, I don't think so. If we all invested our whole lives as much into self promotion and exercise we would all be working out and doing little else. Paul was outside Dad said he ran up the back and hid behind the picnic table. So I called and called him. So did Mom but finally she told Dad that she was leaving of he wanted to get his pills and ties. I kept sticking my head out the front door and calling the Paul man. Finally I saw him run behind the shed. I kept calling until one of the guys next door told me our sun windows were open. I thanked him, ran upstairs and sure enough: the windows were open and the landing above the stairs was puddled with rain. First I closed the windows, then soaked up the water with dirty laundry which I then brought down to the basement and washing machine.

I went downstairs and got myself 2 ice packs one for my head one for the back of my neck. I went upstairs and lay down. I brought some paper work into bed but couldn't concentrate. My eyes were jiggling and my head felt light but encased in foam lucite. I had turned on the computer but couldn't write anything. Eventually after going down to the first floor one more time Paul came in and I closed the door and went back upstairs. I lay down and put the ice pack on my forehead and on the back of my neck.

I lay down but got up to take another set of excedrin. Then I slept for a few hours. I think around 5 pm Mom came in and asked if I wanted dinner. I woke up maybe an hour later and she cooked me 2 hamburgers. I had lettuce, tomatoes and zucchini as well as a summer squash dish with the burgers. 

Mom and I watch Jeopardy with Dad and he got angry because we laughed. Not at him or anything he was just in a pissy mood. He smelled like death, literally. Mom and I then left to get some ice cream. Brickley's, both locations were packed so we went to Lickety Splits instead. I had a small soft serve with chocolate candy coating on a waffle cone.

I went upstairs once we got back. I went to bed at 5 am. I had watched some Scrubs episodes before going to bed. 

WRAP - I wrote some of today's blog. I wrote some of yesterday and today's Daily Page.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on seeing Cowboys and Indians with C tomorrow night. I plan on calling J about wednesday and thursday and Newport.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I got up.

Made me feel better about myself: Not anything. 

Useful Links Online:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dads-In-Heaven-With-Nixon/323037478048

"Love is for fools and all fools are lovers /
it's raining on my house and none of the others /
love is for fools and god knows im still one /
the sidewalks are full of love's lonely children..."

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/2011/08/07/biosimilars-are-back-or-are-they/

Biosimilars are back… Or are they?

By Khadijah Britton | August 7, 2011 | 9

As blockbuster drugs go off patent, the pharmaceutical industry is scrambling for fresh revenue sources. Follow-on versions of biologics, or “biosimilars,” are being pitched as BigPharma’s saving grace. One question remains unaddressed in the discussion: is anyone actually planning on selling biosimilars in the United States?

What are biosimilars?

Biosimilars are a new class of protein-based biologic drugs intended to serve as a replacement for existing biologic medicines when those original drugs go off patent. Biologic drugs include insulin, human growth hormone, monoclonal antibodies and other therapies for such difficult-to-treat illnesses as rheumatoid arthritis, cancer and Crohn’s. Though designed to work similarly to their biologic predecessors, they are not “generic” despite some politicians and journalists’ use of the term. The closest they will ever get to generic is to be deemed “interchangeable” once they have been approved via a pathway such as the one envisioned in the 2010 Health Reform Law, but that pathway does not yet exist.

Bipolar and Family Support Group

Tomorrow I will very busy and I won't be able to post anything, so I just do it tonight.

What are the different types of therapy people use to treat bipolar? How many of you participate in those categories and they are helpful or not?

20 hours ago · Like ·

• 5 people like this.
• 
• Kim Buxton Have tried many therapies, none have helped with a therapist but doing a lot of research and helping myself has worked. CBT, mindfulness, REBT.
• 19 hours ago · Unlike · 2 people
• 
• John Sawkins Narrative therapies and creative writing.
• 18 hours ago · Like
• 
• Jennifer Roberts Moore HAVE TRIED THERAPY AND IT WORKS 4 ME. I LEARNED COPING SKILLS AND IM THANKFUL 2 HAVE LEARNED THEM.
• 16 hours ago · Like
• 
• Heidi Kelley Medication, therapy, and mindful meditation....and ABSOLUTELY no drugs or alcohol.
• 15 hours ago · Like · 1 person
• 
• Deana Clay Caudill I am on meds and go to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy every 2 weeks.
• 13 hours ago · Like · 1 person
• 
• Mathilda Snyder Meds and therapy help you cope as they are in the frontline of my supportsystem.
• 8 hours ago · Like
• 
• Katherine S. Harris meds, talk with therapist, cognative-behavior, support from friends and family
• 6 hours ago · Like
• 
• Katherine S. Harris Yoga and tai chee help a lot of people too.
• 6 hours ago · Like
• 
• Sisyphus Sypher WRAP - Wellness Action Recovery Program because I can do it myself and have never found a worthwhile therapist. I think DBT and EBT are helpful but not the total solution to this disorder's management. I believe that every person has a unique combination that will help them; what helps one person may do nothing for another
• about an hour ago · Like
• 
• Bipolar and Family Support Group The types of therapy are: Individual Therapy; Family and Couples Therapy; Group Therapy/Support Groups; and Family Support Groups. Any Experience of these groups?

Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I've experienced individual therapy, couples therapy, group therapy and support groups. I've found that for simple problems support groups are helpful if there are people that have dealt with the problem personally. Individual therapy did nothing for me. Couples therapy was actually more traumatic than any I've been through. The family therapy that I experienced was unprofessional and unhealthy in that the therapist didn't practice healthy boundary rules. Short term support groups are very limited in their benefits and you have to be careful about what their belief systems are. If they don't jibe with your morals they will only take you down.

Look into these:

www.welltv.com

Spirit in action.org

 generation Rx

generationrxfilm.com

Frankie Waldo Perez's MindGym

Tip of the Week - The Healthy Boundary

Hi,

I recently read that Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) keeps a statue of an Indonesian deity on her desk, right next to her laptop.  This particular figure is of a "boundary god" whose purpose is to guard the boundaries of the cities and temples, keeping the people and the sacred places safe and protected.  In the interview I read, Elizabeth Gilbert says that she keeps the figure not as a religious symbol but as her constant reminder to exercise healthy boundaries and not "say 'yes' to everything!"

We all could use a reminder to guard our energy and self-integrity by championing the inner voice that wants to say "no" when we are saying "yes" instead.

This week, we look at healthy boundaries as an act of self-love.

   

With love,

Frankie

P.S. In case you missed them, here are the links to the last three newsletters: 

 I Hope You Dance , The Missing Peace, The Juggling Act

August 7, 2011                                                                                                                  Issue #38

THE HEALTHY BOUNDARY

HONORING THE VOICE OF THE SELF 

There's a section in Kahil Gibran's The Prophet, in which he describes love as having a quality of togetherness and separation, like two pillars of a temple that must stand close yet distant enough to hold the sacred structure. Gibran invites us to "let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you."

The concept of healthy boundaries is a complex idea to understand.  We think that in order to have healthy boundaries we may have to be harsh with others and risk upsetting the people in our lives who are asking for our time and energy.  Feeling needed and knowing that we can help others are positive emotions.  It feels good to feel needed... sometimes.

Boundaries can be a problematic issue for big-hearted people whose caring nature is to be always kind and compassionate.  The issue is not that they are those beautiful qualities.  Those are qualities that any human being ought to be proud to posses. The issue is that these people often put their own needs last, taking care of others and pleasing everyone except themselves. 

When we give away our sense of self and ignore our wants and needs to tend to others, we are turning our backs on the small child within us that depends on us to be the champion he or she always dreamed would be by its side.  That child is looking to us to be the one who listens, cares, and stands up for his or her needs.  It needs us to guard its time, energy, dreams, and desires; to be the one who always looks out for its best interest and gently lets others know when he or she is available to play and when not.

Healthy boundaries are an expression of self-love.  We connect to a sense of protection, safety, love and happiness in our lives the moment that the small child within us knows without question that at every moment of every day there will be a loving champion who says "Don't you worry kid, I've got your back."  That means that in all of our activities and relationships, our relationship to our friends, spouses, parents, children, as well as in our relationships to things such as drugs, alcohol, T.V., food, sex, and our relationships to our dreams, aspirations, and goals, the champion inside of us "has our back" and is looking out for the well being and welfare of our small child within.  Our champion takes a stand on our behalf.

A healthy boundary is, by definition, one that lets good things in and keeps bad ones out.  By contrast, unhealthy boundaries are either too permeable, letting everything in, or too rigid, letting nothing in or out.

 

 CALL TO ACTION

1.  Declare this as the week in which you begin to be mindful of standing up for yourself and your needs.

  

2.  Allow yourself to connect with the champion inside of you that "has your back" and watches out for your best interest.

  

3.  Place both hands over your heart and whisper gently to the small child within:  "You matter.  Your thoughts, opinions, and feelings matter.  I honor and respect the unique and beautiful person that you are.  You have value.  You have worth.  You are a precious and unique expression of the Divine.  I will no longer put your needs at the bottom of the list.  Instead, I will show you love, kindness, and appreciation by honoring your needs and standing up for you   for us.  I love you."

4.  Make a commitment to stay tuned to your heart's voice, to that small child within you.  In social situations, when things are asked of you, or whenever someone makes a demand on your time and energy, take a moment to listen to your heart's answer.  Be willing to stand in the integrity of your worth, value, and needs.

5.  Accept only those requests that are congruent with your heart, or that excite you with the challenge of stretching you beyond your comfort zone, and be willing to decline those that your inner voice is telling you would drain its energy.

You are worth it.

______________________________________________________________ 

  

© Frankie Waldo Perez, MindGym, LLC

The Week In Blog...

And I'm Feeling Very Anxious...

SUNDAY, AUGUST 7, 2011

Mood - I got up at 7:20 am. I took both meds. when I got up and went to the bathroom. I felt a migraine coming on. I went back to bed. I felt drowsy and dopey. I didn't feel okay during the day because of my period and the storm. My period started Thursday night. I've been very active the past week. Today I feel like a combination of the rain, the migraine, the activity of the week, not being medicated and the conversation from last night has brought me down today in an emotional hang over.

Physical - I woke up at 7:20 am. My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I went back to sleep and got up around 10 am. I went downstairs and made myself 2  ham and cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise. I feel tired like a depression weariness. I think I'm affected by the migraine and my mood lately. I am not activity today compared to yesterday but I went to CVS and Cumbies with Mom.

Woke up -  I got up about 7:20 am. I took the excedrin and allergy meds but not the Aleve. I took the gummi vitamins around 3:40 pm. I took the meds when I got up at 7:20 am because I felt a migraine coming on.

Activities -I went to bed around 1:45 am. I didn't close the curtains but fell asleep after putting ear plugs in. I got up around 10:00 am. I got up because I knew I wasn't going to feel any better so I might as well get up and do something worth while. It is a cloudy rainy day, but no breeze. Once I got up I went downstairs and prepared 2 ham and cheese sandwiches. I sat down and watched "Bad Company" with Dad and sometimes Mom. I had let out Paul and he came back and sat on the window sill outside of the living room, wet and wanting to come in. I brought him in and dried him off with 4 pieces of paper towels. 

Mom asked me if I'd like some beef and barley soup. We all sat down to soup while the movie was going on. We all sat to watch the rest of the movie once we'd finished lunch. I didn't watch the end of the movie. I went upstairs and turned on the computer. Mom had to get her eye drops to prepare for her glaucoma surgery from CVS. We left as soon as the movie was over.

We drove to CVS and Mom picked up her meds. We drove to Cumbies and Mom bought Dad's milk. We came home and I went upstairs and turned on the computer. I went on to facebook and interacted a bit. I then started watching "Cropsey". I wrote yesterday's blog and watched "Mayor of Sunset Strip" afterwards. 

I set the table after waiting for Dad to go back to his seat in the living room. I hate being watched as I do a task. It's unnerving. We had swordfish kabobs, wax beans, fried rice and fruit salad. I came back up and watched the rest of Mayor of the Sunset Strip.  It as sad but interesting. I finished Saturday August 6's blog.

Started watching The Resurrected while continuing with the other blog dates. I finished August 5th, Friday's blog while watching "Unforgotten: Twenty Five Years After Willowbrook." Watched "Dad's In Heaven With Nixon" an interesting movie about a man's Father who had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and his family. Finished the Daily Page of Saturday August 7th. 

WRAP - I wrote yesterday and today's blog. I wrote today's Daily Page.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on finishing the blog Daily pages of the past 7 days. I am thinking of taking K's advice and leaving to go to a coffee place and write more WRAP or other things.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I was busy all day.

Made me feel better about myself: I kept myself from thinking too much. 

Useful Links Online:

http://www.benefits.gov/

found in: Disability.gov Weekly Digest Bulletin

This is a government website that has a Benefit Finder eligibility questionnaire to help you locate government benefits, grants and information in how to apply for assistance.

Benefits.gov: What You Should Know about Free Money, Grants and Assistance Programs

Some people are told the federal government will give them free money for just about any reason. The truth is that help from the government is provided through benefit programs that serve important purposes, such as job training, nutrition assistance, education, health care and other needs. In order to receive government assistance, you must complete an application and meet the program eligibility requirements.

Government grants are awards of financial assistance to an individual and/or organization to carry out a government authorized purpose, such as a program. They are not provided as personal benefits or assistance.

So if you need help, where should you go for assistance? Visit Benefits.gov, the official benefits website of the U.S. government. Through the site, you can use the confidential Benefit Finder eligibility questionnaire to automatically generate a list of benefits tailored to your specific needs across all assistance categories. You can also search for specific assistance programs by state, category or federal agency.

There are several ways you can stay up-to-date on the latest information from Benefits.gov. You can subscribe to email updates or the quarterly Benefits.gov Compass newsletter, follow the site on Twitter or become a fan on Facebook.

For more information on assistance programs for individuals with disabilities, visit the Benefits section of Disability.gov. You can also view a list of programs for people with disabilities on Benefits.gov by visiting the Browse by Category page and selecting the “Disability Assistance” link.

"Cropsey"

a story called: Willowbrook by Geraldo Rivera.

Jim Callaghan - former Editor Staten Island Eagle taught about 

Andre Rand (who was a physical therapist in Willowbrook,) story in his journalism class

"Drifter" in headline indicates that the man (Andre,) is guilty. 

Karen Schweiger, Jennifer's Mother (the missing girl)

Pilgrim State Mental Hospital Once one of the largest institutions in the world.

Generation Rx

Robert Whitaker - pulitzer prize winner

Family Values: An American Tragedy

1997 NR 56 minutes

This riveting documentary traces the experiences of filmmaker Pam Walton as she struggles to reunite with her "family values" father after a long-standing rift. Rus Walton -- a radical religious fundamentalist -- disowned his daughter because of her lesbian lifestyle. Although he once suggested that practicing homosexuals should be executed, Pam is willing to pay the emotional price to fulfill her longing for parental acceptance.

Filmmaker Kevin P. Miller offers this unflinching examination of the unsettling trend in the American medical establishment toward prescribing powerful psychiatric drugs for children more often -- and at a younger age -- than ever before. Families devastated by the consequences of overmedication share their stories, and doctors, ethicists and other medical professionals weigh in on whether pharmaceutical companies put profits before patients.

Up Syndrome

The Last Word

Pregnant in America

Frontline: The Medicated Child

Unforgotten

1996 NR 57 minutes

Narrated by Danny Aiello, this riveting documentary explores the continuing consequences experienced by former students (and their families) of the Willowbrook State School for the developmentally disabled after surviving horrific treatment t

Frontline: Post Mortem

2011 NR 53 minutes

The real-life medical examiners investigated in this PBS documentary often lack requisite certification and training. As a result, criminals go free. 

Starring:

Sandra Bartlett,

Documentary:

Dad's In Heaven With Nixon

a family with Bipolar disorder and an Autistic member deals with the issues that occur from the symptoms that disturb it's patriarch.

Working Backwards Through Time...

SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 2011

Mood - I got up around 8:00 am. I took no meds. when I got up. I took them when we got to Rite Aide. My mood was confused in the morning and I just let go. Let go of decision making except for the basics that I am asked to make: "go right here, I am hungry; let's eat, leave the blanket."

Physical - I woke up around 8:00 am. My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I am woozey. I feel tired but motivated to get up and get this day going. I think I'm affected by a migraine and my mood lately. I am active today but not compared to yesterday.

Woke up -  I got up about 8:00 am. I got ready to go with J and E to Middletown. 

Activities -I went to bed around 2:00 am. I didn't close the curtains. I got up around 8:00 am. I took both meds. when I got up. I took the phone when I went into the bathroom and talked to E who'd called to ask me when I wanted J to pick me up. I was confused and tired. I went downstairs to ask Mom if she could drop me off at a place that E named. I couldn't understand what she wanted except she wanted to make it easier for us to get to the Jazz Festival. After going downstairs to find out from Mom what she thought and my Father accosting me about fucking Lucille Ball I became even more confused. I told E to pick me up before she went to work. I figured J and I could figure it out. I went upstairs and got ready by dressing up, folding up the sheet on my bed, cleaning my body and face.

I went downstairs and placed the prepared 2 ham and cheese sandwiches in a cooler with the 4 miniature water bottles and 2 water bottles I'd placed in the freezer last night. Once E came in I grabbed my red backpack type bag and the cooler and we headed out. 

We drove over to Middletown and walked E inside. I bought two diet Mountain Dews and a Rite Aide 100 SPF sun block. J got himself some drinks also. 

We left to Fort Adams for the Jazz Festival. We drove through town toward the Fort. We arrived there, parked in Lot 1, took the shuttle to the entry of the festival, walked in and received the festival guide. J and I looked at it and walked over to the Fort Stage and settled down at the right hand side of the reserved seating close to the blacktop walk. I needed to go to the bathroom but we settled the blanket first and staked out our  area. After settling our 2 coolers, bag of chips (pirate booty cheese thingies, kettlecorn corn puffed chips of Olde Cape Cod,) t-shirt and other stuff I walked over to the port-a-potties in the back because the "beer garden" wasn't open yet. I came back and we walked over to the Alex and Ani Harbor Stage to see the New Black Eagle Jazz Band which was really really good! We sat down closer to the back in the inside seats and waited for the band to begin playing.

We walked back to the Fort Stage and sat down on the blanket at noon time. I lay down and opened up the cooler, ate my sandwich and asked if J would mind if we could just stay and listen to Hiromi a solo piano act instead of the choice I selected: Eddie Palmieri Latin Jazz Band. I fell asleep for a little while in the sun that was becoming hot. Wynton Marsalis was appearing next on the Fort Stage at 2:30 pm so J didn't mind staying and watching them while I dozed off every now and then. We then decided to go to the Quad Stage to see Esperanza Spalding & Friends which was CROWDED. About 3/4s of the way through my legs started to hurt and I was feeling weird and not good. I told J I was going to take a walk to stretched my legs, I would come back after 15 minutes. I walked through the Crafts Market Booths main thoroughfare. i was looking for a Jazz Festival t-shirt to buy J or E. I figured I'd get it for J because E doesn't really wear t-shirts. So I got a large t after I called Mom and asked what size shirt was the one she gave to me for him to wear yesterday, Grampa's old Red Sox jersey. 

I walked over to the blanket at the Fort Stage and took some excedrin migraine meds realizing I was getting a headache and feeling wrong and upset. I took the blanket that E had folded up in the chips bag and brought it over to J at the Quad Stage. I had been held up before going through the fort entrance into the Quad, a car was going through the entrance to exit the festival. 

We walked over to the Alex and Ani Harbor Stage to see Grace Kelly with (Special guest) Phil Woods. We lay the blanket E packed next to the fence on the hill besides the stage and watched until I started to feel physically ill. the smell of people, the noise and the nausea became overwhelming. I started to cry. J asked me if we wanted to leave. he said it would be a good idea since we could get E. I was happy for him to reason with me. We left the hill, walked to the Fort Stage picked up our stuff and took off. 

We drove over to Rite Aide with little problem. I'd directed him the back roads to Middletown from Fort Adams. We picked E up and left for Wakefield. We decided to go to Camden's Restaurant for dinner. I ordered the Chicken Marsala, with a salad, balsamic vinaigrette, mashed potaoes, butternut squash with apples and extra sauce. 

They then drove me home. I went in and they talked to Dad as much as you can talk to him. Dad  told J about MLK Jr. and how he saved Dad from getting shot in the Vietnam War. I went upstairs and went online. K came in and asked if I wanted to get coffee. Instead we talked about stressful things and I cried and cried. Poor K was listening to me the whole time and trying to make helpful suggestions. Once I got home I went back online and played some games. I went to bed around 1:30 am.  

WRAP - I wrote yesterday and today's Daily Page.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on finishing the blog Daily pages of the past 7 days. I am thinking of taking K's advice and leaving to go to a coffee place and write more WRAP or other things.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I got up and got going even though I felt like shit.

Made me feel better about myself: I didn't poop out and not go to the Jazz Festival. 

Two Museums One Day...

FRIDAY, AUGUST 5, 2011

Mood - I feel really good and have been anticipating going to Boston and the museums with J today. 

Physical - My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I am very awake. I don't feel tired; I'm motivated to get up and get this day going. I feel very good. I am very active today much more than yesterday. I dressed in socks and sneakers so that I can walk as much as possible.

Woke up -  I got up around 4:30 am. I took the meds. when I got up. 

Activities -I went to bed around 9:00 pm. I didn't close the curtains. I got up around 4:30 am. I took the meds. when I got up. I turned on the computer and went on the internet to look for a map of the two museums and their surrounding areas as well as a larger map of Boston so we could drive in. I found them and placed them on my flash drive so I could print them out. I went downstairs and printed out one map, the other was not on there. I fried an egg. I covered the middle of a tortilla with the black bean mixture I made the night before and sprinkled cheese on top of it. I placed it in the microwave for a minute. Taking it out I added some chopped onions and peppers from the quesadillas from Monday. I shook some hot sauce Cholula over the tortilla and added sour cream, rolled it up and ate it. Back upstairs I dressed and packed my purse into the red travel bag I use in Philadelphia. I went into the kitchen and put the 2 ham and cheese sandwiches in the yellow picnic cooler with the 4 miniature water bottles and 2 water bottles I'd placed in the freezer last night and added 2 peaches from the fridge. I drove to E's house but stopped at Citizen's bank on the way and took out some $40. I parked near E's barn, sat at her outside table and sorted the things I was taking to Boston in to better packed parcels. 

E noticed me outside and J came out and invited me in. E was making blueberry pancakes. They set the table and we sat down and ate the pancakes. I had one already having eaten at home. I told E to pick me up before she went to work. I figured J and I could figure it out. I went upstairs and got ready by dressing up, folding up the sheet on my bed, cleaning my body and face.

I went downstairs and placed the prepared 2 ham and cheese sandwiches in the picnic cooler with the 4 miniature water bottles and 2 water bottles I'd placed in the freezer last night as well as 2 diet Pepsis. Once E came in I grabbed my red backpack type bag and the cooler and we headed out. 

We drove over to Middletown and dropped E off at 7:30 am. 

J and I drove up route 24 to Boston we arrived around 9 am. J and I parked the car and got into line early at the Huntington Ave. entrance to the Museum of Fine Arts Boston. I gave J $12 cash for the parking fee which was $24 total on my debit card.

The line started moving around 10 am. We got our tickets for the museum and the Chihuly exhibit probably around 10:20 am. It cost about $24 for the ticket. We were guided through the museum to the beginning of the waiting line for the exhibit by guides. One stupid old woman guide told me I couldn't fling my purse around as I looked for my exhibition ticket which I'd dropped coming through the museum. I wanted to smack the stupid bitch but just ignored her stupid ass. 

We waited at the entrance until our turn came and we descended some stairs to the floor below.

 There were a lobby, a hall and 3 rooms decorated with the exhibit. The lobby held orange glass "flower/lily pads" that were mounted on the wall. A boat holding different shapes that was inspired by Chihuly's stay in Finland lay on a platform and was lit from within. Along the sides of the hall that lead into the next room were what looked like flowers in vases and other similar glass art pieces. The room adjoining this hall had suspended chandelier looking glass pieces at least four and HUGE.  

The next room was long and had a rectangular flat table base that held variously shaped and colored glass items that were lit up from below. The last room held an exhibit I'd seen before in the RISD Museum. Neon purple tubes were placed in birch trunks that were lying on the floor. After taking pictures of the exhibit we left through the museum store where the exhibit ended. 

Across from this shop was the Art of the Americas gallery. I asked J if he'd minded if we visited the Northwest Coast exhibit in the LG gallery. He didn't and we saw that part of the gallery. There wasn't much in the way of the NW Coast Art just a glass case, not even a whole room. J took a picture of a really nice contemporary piece of the Raven with a moon in his beak piece by Singeltry. (From prestonsingletary.com the artist's site: Raven Stealing the Moon - Yeil’ known to be a benevolent being that helps others and a he was a trickster that devised crafty plans to achieve his goals. He was a shape-shifter and able to become whatever suited his purpose. He had the ability to travel to the upper firmament (spirit world) and earth easily. This piece depicts the story of Raven Steals the Light, where he stole the moon, stars, and sun from the great chief Raven Who Lives Above the Nass and set them free to bring light unto the world.) We moved to the 20th Century American Art galleries on the 3rd floor. 

About 1 pm we went to the car and got the picnic basket cooler. We took it to the Japanese Garden that was right in front of where J parked the car and ate the sandwiches, the peaches and a bag of salt and vinegar chips I'd included. 

After putting the leftovers away we walked to the Isabella Stewart Gardener Museum. We walked to the parking garage across the street and J payed the ticket. We walked over to the next museum down the road.

When I went in we were wearing the Red Socks gear that we thought was going to give us an additional $2 off. We only got $2 dollars off with the MFA tickets. 

I was disappointed because I pointed out that I was wearing the gear but it was never explained to me that I would only get one or the other. We toured the whole museum, every room. The courtyard was gorgeous and bright but covered with a glass ceiling. Many of the pieces looked degraded. Most of the pieces were exposed to the air and looked kind of sad. There were so many pieces and they were left where the woman who created, funded and collected the pieces specified they be left. There were tapestries, books, letters to Mrs Gardener, sculptures, crosses, icons, many religious objects, alters, pews, furniture and almost any other kind of object you could think of. We left this museum and walked back to the parking lot at the MFA. 

We left Boston via Storrow Drive. The traffic was very busy but not gridlocked. We took Route 24 down to Bristol. I called Pete to ask where an old graveyard might be that J could do some grave rubbings. He told me about the graveyard across from the High School. He said that there were old graves on the hill in that graveyard.

J and I drove around the graveyard looking for the old graves. When we couldn't find them J looked on his phone for another antique burial ground. he found one across the road from the Bristol Commons. we drove over but found that the burial ground was closed. You also needed to get a key to open the gate from the town clerk. We took a few pictures then drove over to Rite Aide in Middletown. 

Since E was still working we decided to order food at Becky's BBQ across the road from Rite Aide. I took E's order and J and I went over, ordered our food and took it back to Rite Aide. E closed up and we drove back to her house. 

J and I set the table and we ate what we ordered. I had ordered exactly what E ordered: A third rack ribs platter with cornbread, coleslaw and mashed potatoes. I dipped my ribs in a vinegary sauce and a sweet and pungent sauce. E gave me her coleslaw because she didn't like it' it had no mayonnaise base. We hung out a while and looked on line at some of the bands that would be playing in the Jazz Festival tomorrow. I left around 10 pm to go home. I went online once I got home and downloaded the pictures I took on my phone to my computer. 

Once I responded to facebook notices and settled in a bit I went downstairs. I made 2 sandwiches for J and I for tomorrow to take to the Jazz Festival. I made a ham and cheese sandwich on a dark roll with mayonnaise, tomato and onion for myself. I made a ham and cheese sandwich on a poppy seed roll with butter, mayonnaise and tomato for J. I placed them in a plastic bag that was from the sandwiches I'd packed last night for the sandwiches today. I placed the 4 bottles of water, a large bottle of water and my own water bottle in the freezer to freeze for tomorrow and cool off our food as well as be drinks for us then. I went to sleep around 2 am.

WRAP - I didn't do anything today as far as WRAP goes.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on packing our lunch in the small plastic cooler. I plan on attending the Jazz Festival with J. I am also planning on writing today and tomorrow's Daily Pages while at the Festival.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. I also need to buy Lia a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here.  ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I had a wonderful time at both museums with J.

Made me feel better about myself: I made lunch for J and I. 

Downtime, Recoup and  Food Subsidies...

THURSDAY, AUGUST 4, 2011

Mood - I don't feel good today. I am irritated and hateful of people. my head hurts and is in pain. Most of the sleeping this morning was because of the migraine headache I woke up with at 7 am. My head still felt bad when Mom asked me if I wanted to go swimming but I figured I would feel better after the water on my skin. 

Physical - I had a bad migraine when I woke up. My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I am weary. I feel tired but I made myself go swimming today and be active. I don't feel happy today I am irritated. I am active today but not compared to yesterday.

Woke up -  I got up around 7:00 am. I got up at 8:00 am and I took the meds. when I got up. I felt a headache and thought a migraine was coming on.  I went back to bed. I got up again knowing Mom was at her skating lesson. I went downstairs and made a raisin bagel with cheese because I felt nauseous. I brought two ice packs upstairs and iced my forehead and neck and lay down after closing the curtains. I woke up again at 11:30 am and went downstairs.  

Activities -I went to bed around 5:00 am. I didn't close the curtains. I got up finally around 11:30 am. I took the meds. when I got up the second time. I went swimming with Mom around 12:30 pm. 

I didn't take a shower. Mom and I went into Wakefield to pick up the government subsidies but first Mom dropped off the urine sample to Dad's doctor. We came home but not before N came to give Dad his shower. I boiled a can of black beans down then added a chili package, oregano, garlic powder, paprika and a can of tomato soup. I got in my car, delivered the check to AS and went to Wakefield to get oil from CQ. I went over to Belmont's and bought a tuna sandwich as well as elements of ham and tuna sandwiches. I ate the tuna sandwich on my way home. 

I made a ham and cheese sandwich with mayonnaise, butter, lettuce and tomato slices for J I omitted the butter but added an onion slice on mine. I put them in a plastic bag for tomorrow. Mom offered me a chocolate pudding with whipped cream which I ate. I went on line then watched a bit of Jeopardy and then Big bang Theory. I went upstairs and got online for a bit. I then readied my bag for tomorrow and Boston. I went to bed at 9:00 pm.  

WRAP - I wrote yesterday and today's Daily Pages.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on organizing the stuff for Boston then driving over to E's house. I plan on going up to Boston with J see the 2 museums then rub some grave stones with J. We plan on picking E up and getting dinner with her.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. I also need to buy Lia a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here.  ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I didn't go home and eat there.

Made me feel better about myself: I took a swim. 

Tour and Tour: Somewhere Old And Somewhere New...

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2011

Mood - I feel alright. I got up early enough to get over to E's. i am hot but okay. I am a little tired but dealt with it.  

Physical - I felt okay today. My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I am a little tired. 

Woke up -  I got up at 8:00 am. I took the meds. when I got up. I got ready for the day.  

Activities -I went to bed around 2:00 am I think. I didn't close the curtains. I got ready and left. I stopped by Citizen's Bank for $40. I went to the Rite Aide, bought a diet Mountain Dew for the change. 

I got to E's house and J and I left around 10:45 am. We parked in front of the Coast Guard House Restaurant and walked to the Towers and paid the $15 for the trolley tour of Narragansett. 

The tour went to St. Peter's and we got off the trolley and took a tour of the church. After a history of the church we got back on the trolley and continued down to 5th Avenue, towards Gibson Court on Boon Street listening to Ted Wright narrate the history along the way. We turned around in front of Druids Dream and headed to Route 108 the back way by the water tower. Down to Galilee then the Point Judith Lighthouse and back to the Towers along Ocean Road. We paused under the Towers in case anyone wanted to get off. 

The tour continued to the North end of Narragansett and the Bay Campus which still had World War II bunkers that held German Prisoners who printed the only prisoner newsletter that promoted democracy to other POWs. 

We headed back to the Towers along Middlebridge Road hearing of Buckytown and the 4 families that used to live there making a living off the alewives by smoking them. We wound up back at the Towers two hours later full of history and hungry for lunch. 

J and I went into the Narragansett Chamber of Commerce to pick up pamphlets and info on more tours in Narragansett and South County. I directed him to the Coffee and Bagel Connection in Bonnet for lunch. J treated me to chicken salad on a baguette with all the vegetables, Orangina and half a raspberry square. 

we drove over to Gilbert Stuart Birthplace after asking if J if he knew that Gilbert Stuart painted George Washington's portrait and it ended up on the dollar bill. Unfortunately the GSB was closed. we walked around a bit and took some pictures before we left for the Mill at Shady Lea. 

E had given a ring for J to bring to a jeweler to clean but he wasn't there. We left a message on his door that we were there and sorry we missed him. We went to the bathroom then wandered over to Biomes after snagging some stickers and cards and post cards and magnets along the way. 

Biomes was smaller than we expected. E gave us a Living Social ticket for 4 she downloaded to Biomes. So we got in but didn't get back anything. It was fun nonetheless. There were two petting tanks one for sharks and one for tide pool type marine animals. We saw a nautilus as well as a Flying Gunnel and other types of fish and marine life. We headed back to E's house and talked about Friday, Saturday of this week as well as Newport next week. I headed home but can't remember what I ate for dinner, where I ate and what I did except that I went to sleep at 5 am.

WRAP - I did nothing for WRAP.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan paying the storage room's fees for the month. I plan on picking up the government food subsidies. I plan on catching up on the blogs and the Daily Pages.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. I also need to buy Lia a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here.  ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I met Ted Wright.

Made me feel better about myself: I didn't freak out or have an anxiety or panic attack. 

Where I Think My Relationships With Family Members Is Getting Better...

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2011

Mood - I feel alright. I got up took the migraine meds. and the allergy meds. I am feeling tired and took a nap after my swim. I am a bit anxious.  

Physical - I felt okay today. My knee is even less sore compared to last week. I am a little tired. 

Woke up -  I got up at 10:00 am. I took the meds. when I got up.  

Activities - I went to bed around 2:00 am I think. I didn't close the curtains but used ear plugs. I woke up at 10 am and went swimming. I came home and made and ate a tuna sandwich on lettuce with whole wheat. I went upstairs and passed out. SM had called me at some time in the late morning to ask if I was doing anything today. She told me that she would be picking up the girls and coming home early, did I want to come over?

I woke up at 2:00 pm. I got ready and went into Wakefield. I got a quart of oil at CQ before going up to SM's house. 

I arrived at SM's around 4:15 pm. I ate with the girls and SM; chicken nuggets in General Tsao's sauce, white rice, eggplant and something else. James came home about 7 pm. I went to BJ's with SM. I freaked out on her talking about the family and the situation. 

I left for home about an hour after BJ's closed 10 pm. 

I went home and went to bed around 2 am after being online.

WRAP - I did nothing for WRAP.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan paying the storage room's fees for the month. I plan on picking up the government food subsidies. I plan on catching up on the blogs and the Daily Pages.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August ALSO A FEW MEALS FOR WHEN MOM COMES BACK FROM SURGERY. J is here until Monday the 15th. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. I also need to buy Lia a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here.  ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I met Ted Wright.

Made me feel better about myself: I didn't freak out or have an anxiety or panic attack. 

And I'm Feeling Very Anxious...

MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 2011

Mood - I got up at 11:10 am. I didn't take the meds. when I got up. I felt puffy and droopy, dopey and uncomfortably warm. I basically drove myself through the day by working. I was active today more than yesterday. I felt okay during the day because I didn't think or pay attention to what I wanted, I just did tasks.

Physical - I woke up at 11:10 am. My knee is only a bit sore compared to last week. The front of my knee is weak. I'm still limping when I go to the bathroom in the morning but not as bad as last week and even less than the week before. I feel tired and weary but the mood is okay. I think I'm affected by the heat mostly. I did much more activity today than yesterday but I went out only once to drop off something at the storage shed with Mom today.

High tech marketing and  

Woke up -  I got up about 11:30 am. I didn't take the excedrin and allergy meds but not the Aleve. I took the gummi vitamins around midnight. I should have taken the meds when I got up at 10:30 am because I think I would have felt better during the day.

Activities -I went to bed around 3:00 am. I didn't close the curtains but fell asleep. I got up at 11:10 am. I took the pills. It was a hot today. Once I got up I went downstairs and made myself a tuna salad sandwich on whole wheat bread and ate it. Mom and I went to the storage room to drop off the linens we packed. We stopped by E's house and talked to J about plans for going out this and next week. We picked up milk at Cumbies'. 

I went online when we got home. I started the peppers, onions and garlic for the quesadillas. I simmered a can of black beans on the stove until much of the liquid was cooked away. I added a packet of chili spice and some of the cooked onions, peppers and garlic. I started making quesadillas. Around 6 pm I fed Dad the pulled barbecue pork on toast like a sloppy joe. I then served the quesadillas at 6:30 pm. K came home but went upstairs. C came home and had some quesadillas. 

WRAP - I wrote today's Daily Page.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. 

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August. J is coming on the 28th of July for a few weeks. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. I need to glue tissue paper on the piñata and decorate it the July birthday party cookout. I can't find the little gifts from the last piñata. I also need to wrap E's and Lil's gifts. I also need to buy Lia a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here.  ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I did get out of the house.

Made me feel better about myself: I was able to clarify that J and I were planning on doing somethings together this week. 

Useful Links Online:

I realized this a while back or I would have confided it to people who were not safe for me to tell earlier: I allow myself to become unstable. Mainly I do this because it helps me harness self righteous anger that can get me through crisis. A bad environment, an unhappy relationship that has no future, a dead end, people who would not back me up or protect me, abuse anything that I felt I had little power to deal with and turn around before it defeated me and made me an emotional vegetable.