I had an alter set up for UFOs. I prayed to them to come pick me up. As a child I looked in the witchcraft books that I found in libraries. I found werewolf recipes that had ingredients like fat from an infant, wolfsbane and other things I didn't know how to get even though I sought out the scientific names of the plants.

Down In The Ditches Where The Dirty Lust Grows

You fuckin hate me you fuckin hate me you fuckin hate me you fuck you you fuckin hate me you fuckin hate me you fuckin hate me you fuckin hate me fuck you fuck you fuck you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate  Ihate I hate Ihate you you you for making me feel this way for fucking abandoning me I know you think I am stupid and lame I know you think I am a walking abortion fuck you I hate you for leaving me out in the cold for letting me sit by myself for treating me like a joke for acting like I'm a freak what did you think that I'd end up any other way fuck you I am stilted and wilted and jilted and deformed I am broken and warped and hated and I grow like an albino worm in feces I'm bloated and scorned by the very people who are suppose to help me get better fuck you all your lies all the bullshit you tell all the crap that you sell all the manipulations that you say are all mine you should rot in a worse mental hell you should have your flesh sold and your orifices reamed and all the creatures down here comfort you in their helpless sickened diseased way fuck you because it's not the total lack of affection that is a sin it's the deviant love from the damaged and rejected the needy sick unhealthy love that licks your eye instead of kissing your cheek it's the dirty penetration instead of the intimate lovemaking that you need to experience with the power being held over you I hate you

Lately I feel like I need to leave or not wake up. I'm afraid I'm becoming depressed. I find myself snapping at her easily. I just ignore him and the guilt lessens. But not in a good way. I seem to have become apathetic. It's been sunny out, sometimes windy and cold sometimes calm and balmy. I've had a headache for at least a week or more. Sometimes I feel a definite hatred for this place and this state. Should I have left? Maybe overcoming the guilt and leaving to another place would have made me normal. Would it have?
Is it that I'll be normal someday? I mean "normal". I will always be BP. I will never be chemically unchallenged.
I feel that I have damned my soul here and that knowing this has affected me. I am tortured by feeling totally unmotivated to do anything here. It's like a rotten shell that needs to be renovated and remodeled and I have no drive to put energy into making this place into anything nice and improved. It seems no one cares about it except Mom and for her sake I want to help make it into a nice house. It seems to me that she should have been thinking of this all along. Why do I have to feel guilty when this place has been trashed by years of hoarding and neglect. I just don't care. I feel like I have been left here and everyone else could care less about Mom and Dad. "Let the rot," seems to be the attitude. But no one will admit to the neglect and emotional abuse that formed the family. No we were all a happy loving wonderful family with just a few problems, right? Yeah, alcoholism that resulted in Dad having wet brain and major anger issues. Emotional abuse that left all of us unwilling to talk about secrets as a family unit. Neglect that allowed at least two of us to become molested, bullied and ignored. And as for me so many emotional problems that I was lost in my own inner land, suicidal ideations that came back again and again and still occur today, fear and anger issues that have frozen parts of my life, blocks of time and situations that are important but unattainable that I am not fragmented and always struggling to keep myself together so I may attain some kind of stability.
fuck you all for being ignorant and thinking the secrets will mend without communication.

Last night I had the flu. I was up and down all night long shivering then in the bathroom. Then once I got up I had a migraine. I don't expect special attention. God forbid that with my Father in his condition. The one thing that bothers me though is my Mother acts like I planned it or I was faking it. I know that I am miserable. I fucking live here for chrissakes! That shit heel should have been gone by now! I feel weird being angry at him but he always was all about him. If I was sick as a child he could've cared less or he always questioned me like I was lying. So I always feel guilty when I'm sick. She wasn't much better. She had little sympathy for me when I was sick. She did do the lunch in bed thing. She was good at remembering medications. When it came down to it illness meant a short period then it was back to work. And if you couldn't work you must be lying or useless. This place depresses me. My life as it is depresses me. I know that when it comes to important issues I am not being heard. I am still not taken seriously here and the treatment hasn't changed.
I don't know how to communicate with people that don't plan on changing. I don't know how to change my own situation to make things different. I am living in a purgatory with Hell as a future. No wonder I am depressed.

It's bad today I feel out of hand. It sounds like a good idea to die. I am suspect. I am pathetic. I am spinning out of control. My head is screaming as I try to restrain myself from gibbering and babble to any one ANYONE who will listen to me. I see myself from outside myself and know that I will repulse people. I so want to disappear. And this place won't allow me refuge from humans. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Being nice to me won't help. I need to be disengaged from other humans.

There is something off with me today. Other than not going to S's house last night I feel depressed. Like dying today wouldn't ruin the day just improve this world. I feel like everyone is giving me the eye. I am useless and worse. I don't know what is up but I certainly feel displaced. I feel like someone coated me in some foul smell and I am repelling anything good but no one will tell me why. This is a bad sign. I hope it's just a migraine. I will go to sleep and rethink it tomorrow.

(I was so looking toward this week. Last week of March was tough to wait through, no money and trying not to spend what little was suppose to be saved for the first. I promised myself a gift a reward for being good and not overdrawing my account. But it looks to be that I will get no pleasure even if I have the resources. That is the tragedy of depression. No matter what you have or don't have life is hell.)

Tonight I can't escape the feeling that I am a bad person and I deserve to suffer. My head tells me that I should have been a better guest when my sister came to dinner instead of going upstairs and watching a movie with C. And I feel like my soul is descending a long decline and being sucked into hell. I am becoming emotionally frantic. I am feeling scared and tortured. The color of life is being sucked out of me and I am afraid that I will be rejected by everyone and my days will be empty. I only write this because this has happened before. Usually I am severely depressed and it drives me to despair and seek solace in sleeping. My mind works overtime in torturing my soul and I usually have no escape. I must find a way to get this out of my ind if I can. Convince my soul all is okay. Because my soul is running around my body looking for a way out. It's like a small trapped animal that squeals it's dismay, "Why? Why?" And people don't like a weak frightened human body that acts that way.

This is what I plan to do: go easy on myself. I won't chide myself or put myself down for feeling crazy fear. I will be gentle and negotiate with my soul. I will plan something special just for myself if I can pull through until tomorrow. I will do something nice for myself as an inducement to help myself through this anxious episode. I will reassure myself that I will be alright and that it is normal for me to feel this way. I will remind myself that I used to have someone that reassured me all the time (C,) but that that must change because everything has changed. I must be strong and love myself. I must reject the voice inside that tells me that I am being "gay" or "stupid" or "lame" that that voice is the voice of a past that was ignorance and fear itself. Being strong does not mean being silent and rejecting my own faults or weaknesses. Being strong means loving in the face of fear, in the face of ignorance, in the face of experience that told me that I had to act a certain way when I did not have to. That means I HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT to be gentle with myself. All the bullshit I was told does not apply. I am an adult now and I make my own rules. When what has been told me doesn't work for me it is time for me to do something else. I am intelligent enough to do something different that will help me become someone better. It will be okay.