I don't know how to handle abusive situations. I've always just suffered them or escaped them when I could get out of the situation. Attending groups at shelters never helped give me any idea how to handle abuse. It was mostly repeating that men were evil and women were innocent. When asked what to do about the abuse women were told to leave. I mean before hand therapists told you you could secretly get a bag ready with money and clothes and hide it when the time was good. You had to leave out the back like a thief. Women (because men were never abused,) were expected to be powerless victims and act like they had no control over the situation.
To listen to rhetoric about abuse and people who've been abused you'd think that victims have no choices. I never agreed with the advice of the people who were there to help me through the abusive event. I've found that abuse is many times not an event. Abuse comes from human manipulation and social influence. It involves more than the victim and the perpetrator. Many abuse victims encounter multiple abusers in their lives sometimes more than once during a set period. Personally I have been in many abusive situations with different abusive people in different places. School, the baby-sitter's, home, family events, the hospital and even public places have been areas where I've been assaulted or abused or bullied. I believe that specific training could help me to be more assertive and possibly reduce the abuse that happens to me. I really think that finding ways to deal with other people will help me be less of a target and lower my stress and anxiety.
I have been experiencing abuse since I was a toddler. Over the years my siblings, parents, classmates and baby-sitter's children have had their turns. I've grown up an untrusting paranoid adult who often experiences suicidal wishes. Depression has followed me throughout my life. I've been called lazy for sleeping often and deeply until *I* sought diagnosis and discovered I am bipolar. Then it seemed everyone let out a gradual sigh of relief as if to say: "OHhhhhh that is why you are so fucked up! We were right! It wasn't our faults! You are defective! We were not wrong in blaming you for your problems!" My parents thought I was retarded because I had delayed reading and speaking skills. I was in special education classes for my delays. I've had unusual sleeping habits where I'd walk our dog at 2 am while everyone was asleep. All the signs that there were problems all through my past had been discarded. It was okay though because there was nothing anyone could have done, right? When your brain chemistry is faulty it means EVERYTHING in your life is your fault.
There has been many times that bullying and abuse has happened to me. In our family every person has experienced and seen abuse. It has been a part of our lives and part of the communication (or miscommunication,) in family interactions. Through mobbing techniques we were taught to be quiet and not question or whine as children. Throughout my childhood I felt I was never wanted nor loved. But always felt guilty. I should love my Mommy, I should love my Daddy. They worked hard to keep me in food and under roof. I never asked for them to work all the time. I only wanted to be safe. Truely what I wanted was not important. I was stupid and lazy anyway in everyone else's eyes. I was raised to believe that I am wrong, guilty and undeserving. That is the basis of my low self esteem. The climate of abuse and victimization over such a long time had eroded any will that I've had to live and thrive. It damaged the belief that I could have a happy life. Knowing that I am a loser and that I can't win with family or anyone that I have loved has kept me down and unmotivated to believe that I deserve help or can successfully get help in my life.
The therapeutic help that was given to me was so flawed and unprofessional that it was detrimental to my building trust in anyone with a psychology degree. The therapist that brought me bags of food while I was in public, on the street without my permission or requesting it. The therapist who told me that since my son would not talk he didn't need therapy for the molestation by his Godfather. The many doctors who told me that I wasn't bipolar, or they didn't have time to listen to me and only prescribed drugs or that what I was describing as indicators of bipolar disorder were not symptoms. The years I was given antidepressants and roller coastered up and down without a doctor questioning if it was the medication that was wrong. Professionals in the field of therapy and psychological disorders are less reliable than any other medical profession that I have ever met.
Who am I? What am I doing? How can I live in a safe atmosphere? I was able to make a safe place for myself and my children after leaving abusive situations more than twice in the past. The only person I could ever trust was me. And the problem was that I was not stable. I could have boundless energy at one time or not be able to get out of bed another. And I knew that the abuse, neglect and molestations I had suffered were part of the problems of keeping myself balanced. Whether or not my chemicals were balanced in my head if my psychological history was still affecting me and determining my self esteem, anxiety, social interactions as well as my paranoia levels it could trip up the bipolar symptoms as well as send me into a deep depression that was not chemical related but could become chemically detrimental.
These are notes from a documentary that I partially watched last night: "Human Resources"
The driving force in society is not love but fear. John B. Watson.
Irrationality of Rationality.
Taylorism _ Fragmentation of the workers is encouraged so that classcism is beneficial to the rulig classes. Discouraged workers creates workers who are not involved with their communities. They have lowesteem and motivation.
