I'm still stinging from that @sshole at the bank. I don't want to be wasting my time over someone who obviously is unhappy enough with their life to try to make me feel small. So I am trying to work this out in my head. I am symptomatic though and that gets in the way. I've decided that I am probably going to spend Christmas on my own this year. I am fixating on two people (three if you add that twat in the bank,) and it is running my mind ragged. Sometimes I wonder if it actually is a reaction to my mind becoming bored. Does my psyche create these dramas to hold my ego in thrall so I can get other things done? Is it a tool to get me motivated with anger? I do not know.
I've been reading William Gibson's books lately. Devouring them really. They hit a chord within me.
Back to the fixating: I told Car that I was planning on not going to Christmas. He said he really didn't want to go to Christmas either. It's his only day off. I'm wondering if he and I can do something simple and nice on Christmas. I feel guilty that I would seek to save myself embarrassment on the Holiday by not showing up to a family gathering. I haven't taken medication for almost a year and even though I started right after Thanksgiving I won't have enough in me to effect my behavior by Christmas.
What is it about help? I was thinking that all day. What is it about seeking help from someone that makes people think the seeker is weak? Asking for help takes much more courage than just dealing with a problem alone. To expose yourself and your weaknesses is much stronger than hiding them and hoping they'll go away. I know, these are not questions that have never been asked. But I see people react to the same old stimuli in the same old ways. So many people unmindful of who they are how intimately they show their weaknesses by how they treat other people and how they react to information.
SM, I am afraid of. I think she's angry at me and passively aggressively ignoring me to "teach me a lesson". J, I am angry with. I think she is a spoiled child that assumes she knows everything and everyone. I want to punch her right in her face. I can't stand to even think of her at this minute she drives me nuts. And K from the bank. I want to teach that slob a lesson. Go up and ask her why her life is so miserable that she derives happiness from someone else's potential misery. Maybe it has to do with DP. I want to hear the gossip from the fiends of our past. But then once I do, I don't find it so funny. They are human. They are fallible, they are children of their genes. Do I get forgiveness if I can't give them forgiveness for the same offenses I commit? Where does the misery stop? I want off this cycle of Hell. I have my own cycle to deal with. The Bipolar ride, a chemical roller coaster to hang on to and try to manage. Let the little people have their small entertainments, I don't have time for their petty stupidities. Then again how much have these people really been challenged? If seeing a pathetic wretch suffer makes them giddy with power they can have their narrow days.
Trying to get over the hurdle of anger and find release in self control.
I've been reading William Gibson's books lately. Devouring them really. They hit a chord within me.
Back to the fixating: I told Car that I was planning on not going to Christmas. He said he really didn't want to go to Christmas either. It's his only day off. I'm wondering if he and I can do something simple and nice on Christmas. I feel guilty that I would seek to save myself embarrassment on the Holiday by not showing up to a family gathering. I haven't taken medication for almost a year and even though I started right after Thanksgiving I won't have enough in me to effect my behavior by Christmas.
What is it about help? I was thinking that all day. What is it about seeking help from someone that makes people think the seeker is weak? Asking for help takes much more courage than just dealing with a problem alone. To expose yourself and your weaknesses is much stronger than hiding them and hoping they'll go away. I know, these are not questions that have never been asked. But I see people react to the same old stimuli in the same old ways. So many people unmindful of who they are how intimately they show their weaknesses by how they treat other people and how they react to information.
SM, I am afraid of. I think she's angry at me and passively aggressively ignoring me to "teach me a lesson". J, I am angry with. I think she is a spoiled child that assumes she knows everything and everyone. I want to punch her right in her face. I can't stand to even think of her at this minute she drives me nuts. And K from the bank. I want to teach that slob a lesson. Go up and ask her why her life is so miserable that she derives happiness from someone else's potential misery. Maybe it has to do with DP. I want to hear the gossip from the fiends of our past. But then once I do, I don't find it so funny. They are human. They are fallible, they are children of their genes. Do I get forgiveness if I can't give them forgiveness for the same offenses I commit? Where does the misery stop? I want off this cycle of Hell. I have my own cycle to deal with. The Bipolar ride, a chemical roller coaster to hang on to and try to manage. Let the little people have their small entertainments, I don't have time for their petty stupidities. Then again how much have these people really been challenged? If seeing a pathetic wretch suffer makes them giddy with power they can have their narrow days.
Trying to get over the hurdle of anger and find release in self control.
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