I realize that I am caught in the spider webs of dysfunction. In a different life where lies and denial were not used to avoid the unsavory aspects of a past that was foisted on me, I would have been able to overcome many harsh realities and maintained a healthy self-esteem. I am who I am because of what was done to me early on. Not just by molesters and abusers and bullies but also by "innocent bystanders". People who didn't want to hear about it because it was negative. People who weren't affected by it but could have made a difference but couldn't be bothered by it because it wasn't their problem.
It's not a wonder that I question everything I do and that I believe it is meant to be when I have a nasty twist of fate. It's no wonder that the messages in my brain are negative and I avoid most things for fear of something horrible happening. It's not a surprise that I never expected any support or help from my family. Where would I turn for help if the people who should have helped me ignored that I was alive?
Reversing 40+ years of neglect combined with sexual abuse, bullying and emotional abuse as well as physical abuse is a daunting task to take on. I need to be more patient with myself. I'm lucky I am not dead or homeless or in a different abusive situation. No I am here, back were I started. And the family's never changed. Denial, emotional abuse, neglect and disregard are all present and accounted for. Nothing has changed except the year and the state of my parents' health.
I ask myself this every now and again and it is accompanied by the feeling that everyone's opinion of me is one of disgust. I know that I a suppose to be strong and just go on and not care what everyone thinks and how they treat me. But that is the role of a saint or pariah. Someone who is closer to crazy but untouchable because their destiny is tied to God. I am not a saint nor a pariah. I feel like a nonperson. Unconsidered who has no rights. The kind of person no one wants to deal with and who feels when something awful happens to them that they deserve it no matter what.
I'm feeling closer to and comfortable with suicide.
It's not a wonder that I question everything I do and that I believe it is meant to be when I have a nasty twist of fate. It's no wonder that the messages in my brain are negative and I avoid most things for fear of something horrible happening. It's not a surprise that I never expected any support or help from my family. Where would I turn for help if the people who should have helped me ignored that I was alive?
Reversing 40+ years of neglect combined with sexual abuse, bullying and emotional abuse as well as physical abuse is a daunting task to take on. I need to be more patient with myself. I'm lucky I am not dead or homeless or in a different abusive situation. No I am here, back were I started. And the family's never changed. Denial, emotional abuse, neglect and disregard are all present and accounted for. Nothing has changed except the year and the state of my parents' health.
I ask myself this every now and again and it is accompanied by the feeling that everyone's opinion of me is one of disgust. I know that I a suppose to be strong and just go on and not care what everyone thinks and how they treat me. But that is the role of a saint or pariah. Someone who is closer to crazy but untouchable because their destiny is tied to God. I am not a saint nor a pariah. I feel like a nonperson. Unconsidered who has no rights. The kind of person no one wants to deal with and who feels when something awful happens to them that they deserve it no matter what.
I'm feeling closer to and comfortable with suicide.
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