I've not written in the "WRAP" book. Honestly I don't really care. I think it did help but without guidance it makes little difference except in having a certain goal for each day to write things down and to have some kind of activity to record. In a way it helped the guilt blossom a bit if I had an off day but all in all it was positive. I think it would be better to attend a group where certain goals were worked toward like behavioral issues or recovery from certain symptoms like sleep habits or anger issues that were being worked toward resolving. I would still like to find a way to do that maybe make my own group here in southern Rhode Island since there is none.
I've been suicidal lately. I'm holding off planning it but know that I have the means to complete a suicide. A year of no medication was not a great idea but did help to resolve why I am angry about my situation. A mix of self perception, the environment here at the house I grew up in, my family's dysfunctionality and my own long list of issues that haven't been resolved along with a shortage of good mental health help makes my life a living hell. At the moment I rely on my Mother to keep me company to get anything done. My anxiety hinders me at making decisions, meeting people and going anywhere outside of the house. As it is now it took me a full year to get a working printer but I can't hook it up through indecision and belief that it won't work. It takes me a three days to a week to call someone, sometimes longer. To have the thought then decide whether or not I should call to deciding if they hate me or want to hear my voice into deciding I must do it for whatever reason I have to call then to prepare myself mentally so that I don't roam off topic or dwell on angry or depressive thoughts or subjects makes the whole task unappealing. I can text. That is limited to only a few people since my brain is convinced that people hate me. I am a pariah now and the thought of me disgusts people or they think I am useless.
I am listening to Blur right now. The things in my head tell me, repeat ugly negative things to me. I am attempting to drown them out. Usually I curse at them and tell them ugly things to get them off my back. Lately they are driving me to distraction. I can't have a good day with things whispering to me about my every move, my every mistake, every stupid thing said, every suggestion that someone has discovered how stupid I am, the small misconceptions, little possibilities that someone has discovered I am a fraud.
I've been suicidal lately. I'm holding off planning it but know that I have the means to complete a suicide. A year of no medication was not a great idea but did help to resolve why I am angry about my situation. A mix of self perception, the environment here at the house I grew up in, my family's dysfunctionality and my own long list of issues that haven't been resolved along with a shortage of good mental health help makes my life a living hell. At the moment I rely on my Mother to keep me company to get anything done. My anxiety hinders me at making decisions, meeting people and going anywhere outside of the house. As it is now it took me a full year to get a working printer but I can't hook it up through indecision and belief that it won't work. It takes me a three days to a week to call someone, sometimes longer. To have the thought then decide whether or not I should call to deciding if they hate me or want to hear my voice into deciding I must do it for whatever reason I have to call then to prepare myself mentally so that I don't roam off topic or dwell on angry or depressive thoughts or subjects makes the whole task unappealing. I can text. That is limited to only a few people since my brain is convinced that people hate me. I am a pariah now and the thought of me disgusts people or they think I am useless.
I am listening to Blur right now. The things in my head tell me, repeat ugly negative things to me. I am attempting to drown them out. Usually I curse at them and tell them ugly things to get them off my back. Lately they are driving me to distraction. I can't have a good day with things whispering to me about my every move, my every mistake, every stupid thing said, every suggestion that someone has discovered how stupid I am, the small misconceptions, little possibilities that someone has discovered I am a fraud.
No comments:
Post a Comment