Suicide Slip Slide Slowly Sinking...

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I was at my brother's for two days and one night. I miss doing posters with him. I used to pretend that I really was a big help and he was very sweet to encourage me to think that way but I know better. It wasn't all about the posters for me anyway. I still really liked seeing P develop his ideas and designs. Talking to him and just being able to hang out with him even if it was just to help or do whatever I could was one of the biggest draws to me. I don't know what it is about P. He listens but he's also got some interesting opinions. I don't agree with everything he says but he doesn't seem to have a problem talking about the bad shit as well as the good things. And he can be funny as shit even when he's pissed off and throwing things.

 It's getting harder and harder (YOU FUCK I KNOW YOU'RE THERE DON'T EVEN THINK I DON'T KNOW YOU FUCK) to deal with talking or socializing with anyone. Hell it's getting harder and harder to deal with anyone else in this house. How long will it take before this is over? I had hope but after a year and no impetus I just don't care, even the unbridled anger has done nothing but burned a hole in my gut. 

C has gotten to the point where he feels that there's nothing to lose by talking to me. I hope it's not too late. I can not change any one but myself. Hence no passion in getting together with another living thing in this life time again. Trying to just put out fires that were created by others a long time ago. Damage control gone on and on...

K is talking to me, it feels like everything has seriously failed now to the point past return. Almost like when the failing is so far gone that you can't wait for the rotting body to drop to the ground in pieces. 

Still it makes my heart ache. Learning the ways of adulthood. The people older than you can't solve your problems and you have to find a way to come to terms with wicked life and the disappointments that come with making mistakes and realizing your imperfections. Not every battle is worth bringing to the fulfilled end. Cutting anchor and riding towards land is better than being sunk below a screaming ocean. 

Desertion of a failing project is not the worse thing that can happen. Being bled to death by a bad venture is not honorable, it's just stupid and being practical is not evil just a decision that can save you time, money and disappointment that may drag you under if you think that seeing a draining scheme gone bad all the way through.

So I am teetering on the edge of not caring myself. I know I will make myself survive past this so that Mom, Caryl and Kevin get through the challenges they've before them. I know that hell is around every corner anyway. I know that I could see worse. I know I've seen bad. I know like pregnancy once you see something on the other side of serious pain and you are responsible for it you will not be busy thinking of the suffering that it took to get to fruition.

Dying will come. It is guaranteed. That is why it is pointless to wish someone dead. It's an inevitability. Dummy.

Well do yourself a favor, play this song and sing along. Cause it's been the worst day since yesterday.

Dad is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's been there since Sunday morning when he fell down and couldn't get up. (see it's going down, he's going down,) He was fine until the ambulance brought him into the ER. It took from 10 am until 1 pm to get him into a room upstairs. The ER wasn't even busy. They put a Foley catheter in Sunday and then tried a Texas catheter on him. He's wearing a diaper now, at least that's what Mom says. Still on antibiotics, but now being walked around by nurses and getting Rehab so he can climb the stairs at home. 

The feeling is nothing. No apathy, no worry, no anxiety (still doesn't stop the panic attacks, what's with that?) no fumbling for the future and trying to prepare. I just don't seem aware, it's not that I don't care. I'm not anywhere. 

I stood in RiteAid and stupidly asked Mom: "What now? I don't know what I'm doing." And it really didn't matter. I didn't care if she made me walk home over the bridges or if we drove to California and rented a condo on the Pacific. Nothing's "normal" because normal is a feeling of familiarity. When all hopes and expectations go out the door normal has been scoured out and nothing is left. No expectations, no schedules for maintenance. All of life's arrangements are taken away and a clear clean nothing is placed before you. It's bewildering and breathtaking and like standing on top of a mountain right after you have sweated and hiked and grunted and cursed up the mountain's side. You look over an apex and you're above the crowd. The perception is so clear you don't know if you should run and jump just to see if you'll tumble down the side of the mountain or of you'll fly into the air. And it doesn't matter. Because you are out of the fray. You are clear of society. No one really matters because an end is coming clean. Something is going to become clear. No matter what you do you are not in control and you just have to experience it. If you're smart.

And that is why I am unsane. I can see the rent in the fabric of humanity. I am familiar with the chaos that rides roughly over all. It rests it's hand on my shoulder and points. It whispers that death comes to one comes to all, what's the hurry? It'll have me in the end. It may be ugly, it may be fast, it may be slow motion but when the switch is flicked off it is over. No one will remember me and it won't matter to me, I won't be here anymore. All my anxieties, all my wishes, all my contributions and dreams and desires will be washed away and worn in the sands of time. And no one will be the wiser. Even the people who made the history books are not really remembered. They are warped by the hopes of idolizers and propaganda of the temporarily powerful. No one is truly understood or represented honestly in the books. Human's just think that they are supreme. In all their self realizations they are blinder than the ignorant.

Flogging Molly - The Worst Day Since Yesterday

From Swagger - (Lyrics) Well I know, I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An I seldom feel, the bright relief
Its been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

If theres one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
Its been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Fallin down to you sweet ground
Where the flowers they bloom
Its there Ill be found
Hurry back to me, my wild calling
Its been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Though these wounds have seen no wars
Except for the scars I have ignored
And this endless crutch, well its never enough
Its been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Hell says hello, well its time to I should go
To pastures green, that Ive yet to see
Hurry back to me, my wild calling
Its been the Worst Day Since Yesterday