Tonight I can't escape the feeling that I am a bad person and I deserve to suffer. My head tells me that I should have been a better guest when my sister came to dinner instead of going upstairs and watching a movie with C. And I feel like my soul is descending a long decline and being sucked into hell. I am becoming emotionally frantic. I am feeling scared and tortured. The color of life is being sucked out of me and I am afraid that I will be rejected by everyone and my days will be empty. I only write this because this has happened before. Usually I am severely depressed and it drives me to despair and seek solace in sleeping. My mind works overtime in torturing my soul and I usually have no escape. I must find a way to get this out of my ind if I can. Convince my soul all is okay. Because my soul is running around my body looking for a way out. It's like a small trapped animal that squeals it's dismay, "Why? Why?" And people don't like a weak frightened human body that acts that way.
This is what I plan to do: go easy on myself. I won't chide myself or put myself down for feeling crazy fear. I will be gentle and negotiate with my soul. I will plan something special just for myself if I can pull through until tomorrow. I will do something nice for myself as an inducement to help myself through this anxious episode. I will reassure myself that I will be alright and that it is normal for me to feel this way. I will remind myself that I used to have someone that reassured me all the time (C,) but that that must change because everything has changed. I must be strong and love myself. I must reject the voice inside that tells me that I am being "gay" or "stupid" or "lame" that that voice is the voice of a past that was ignorance and fear itself. Being strong does not mean being silent and rejecting my own faults or weaknesses. Being strong means loving in the face of fear, in the face of ignorance, in the face of experience that told me that I had to act a certain way when I did not have to. That means I HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT to be gentle with myself. All the bullshit I was told does not apply. I am an adult now and I make my own rules. When what has been told me doesn't work for me it is time for me to do something else. I am intelligent enough to do something different that will help me become someone better. It will be okay.
This is what I plan to do: go easy on myself. I won't chide myself or put myself down for feeling crazy fear. I will be gentle and negotiate with my soul. I will plan something special just for myself if I can pull through until tomorrow. I will do something nice for myself as an inducement to help myself through this anxious episode. I will reassure myself that I will be alright and that it is normal for me to feel this way. I will remind myself that I used to have someone that reassured me all the time (C,) but that that must change because everything has changed. I must be strong and love myself. I must reject the voice inside that tells me that I am being "gay" or "stupid" or "lame" that that voice is the voice of a past that was ignorance and fear itself. Being strong does not mean being silent and rejecting my own faults or weaknesses. Being strong means loving in the face of fear, in the face of ignorance, in the face of experience that told me that I had to act a certain way when I did not have to. That means I HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT to be gentle with myself. All the bullshit I was told does not apply. I am an adult now and I make my own rules. When what has been told me doesn't work for me it is time for me to do something else. I am intelligent enough to do something different that will help me become someone better. It will be okay.
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