Lately I feel like I need to leave or not wake up. I'm afraid I'm becoming depressed. I find myself snapping at her easily. I just ignore him and the guilt lessens. But not in a good way. I seem to have become apathetic. It's been sunny out, sometimes windy and cold sometimes calm and balmy. I've had a headache for at least a week or more. Sometimes I feel a definite hatred for this place and this state. Should I have left? Maybe overcoming the guilt and leaving to another place would have made me normal. Would it have?
Is it that I'll be normal someday? I mean "normal". I will always be BP. I will never be chemically unchallenged.
I feel that I have damned my soul here and that knowing this has affected me. I am tortured by feeling totally unmotivated to do anything here. It's like a rotten shell that needs to be renovated and remodeled and I have no drive to put energy into making this place into anything nice and improved. It seems no one cares about it except Mom and for her sake I want to help make it into a nice house. It seems to me that she should have been thinking of this all along. Why do I have to feel guilty when this place has been trashed by years of hoarding and neglect. I just don't care. I feel like I have been left here and everyone else could care less about Mom and Dad. "Let the rot," seems to be the attitude. But no one will admit to the neglect and emotional abuse that formed the family. No we were all a happy loving wonderful family with just a few problems, right? Yeah, alcoholism that resulted in Dad having wet brain and major anger issues. Emotional abuse that left all of us unwilling to talk about secrets as a family unit. Neglect that allowed at least two of us to become molested, bullied and ignored. And as for me so many emotional problems that I was lost in my own inner land, suicidal ideations that came back again and again and still occur today, fear and anger issues that have frozen parts of my life, blocks of time and situations that are important but unattainable that I am not fragmented and always struggling to keep myself together so I may attain some kind of stability.
fuck you all for being ignorant and thinking the secrets will mend without communication.
Is it that I'll be normal someday? I mean "normal". I will always be BP. I will never be chemically unchallenged.
I feel that I have damned my soul here and that knowing this has affected me. I am tortured by feeling totally unmotivated to do anything here. It's like a rotten shell that needs to be renovated and remodeled and I have no drive to put energy into making this place into anything nice and improved. It seems no one cares about it except Mom and for her sake I want to help make it into a nice house. It seems to me that she should have been thinking of this all along. Why do I have to feel guilty when this place has been trashed by years of hoarding and neglect. I just don't care. I feel like I have been left here and everyone else could care less about Mom and Dad. "Let the rot," seems to be the attitude. But no one will admit to the neglect and emotional abuse that formed the family. No we were all a happy loving wonderful family with just a few problems, right? Yeah, alcoholism that resulted in Dad having wet brain and major anger issues. Emotional abuse that left all of us unwilling to talk about secrets as a family unit. Neglect that allowed at least two of us to become molested, bullied and ignored. And as for me so many emotional problems that I was lost in my own inner land, suicidal ideations that came back again and again and still occur today, fear and anger issues that have frozen parts of my life, blocks of time and situations that are important but unattainable that I am not fragmented and always struggling to keep myself together so I may attain some kind of stability.
fuck you all for being ignorant and thinking the secrets will mend without communication.
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