Switching Gears and Refining My Techniques...

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2011

Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 12:00 pm. I took both the allergy medication and the extra strength Pamprin; the Pamprin has no caffeine so I'm drinking diet Mountain Dew. My period started Saturday night very, very light. It is still light but but heavier than the past four days.  I felt a little better and human after I took the pills but I am still groggy and wanted to sleep more. It may be that the ozone is heavier today (so says the weather guy Doug on the news.)

Physical - I went to bed last night at 5:00 am. I didn't have small headaches all day yesterday like Monday.  I am groggy and kind of lousy feeling all day. I can smell things really intensely, the mold on the bagels smells like chemical, my sneezes smell disgustingly musky (mold in my sinuses?) and my blood smells horrible (from p.).

Woke up -  I woke up at 12:00 pm. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - I got up around 12:00 pm. I went to pee. I went to see if Mom was home. She wasn't so I mixed a can of that gubmint Beef Stew with a can of that gubmint alphabet soup and a can of reduced sodium green beans and a can of creamed corn and about 2 tablespoons of the fajita spice, a half tsp. of oregano and a half tsp. of black pepper just crushed. Before I could even do that Dad came in and said "What are you making me today, A-?" I wanted to strangle him. I immediately quelled a nasty response and told him soup. So I heated the stew through and gave him two pieces of bread and a granola bar. A reminder: I need to go to BJ's for granola bars, diet Pepsi and bagels. Wally World will have cheese and q-tips. Last night I worked on getting a few URLs that were pertinent to WRAP.

 Mom came back from dropping of E. at work early and seeing Ek. at DEM. 

I went downstairs and folded the dry laundry. Most of today I looked at WRAP topics and figured "issues" were important to recognize and separate in my life. Maybe identifying them will help me to get therapy for them since there are so many and their from different things that have happened in my life. I just have to figure out how to organize them on the blog (I have redesign the links for a separate column just for the "issues". 

Mom grilled burgers outside. We ate asparagus, the chips and salsa and a raspberry Jell-o salad with blueberries in yogurt on top after I cleared the table. Caryl had joined us after Dad went inside. Yes Dad actually ate outside with us. He slammed his yam while we were trying to get food on the table and while the Burgers were still grilling. So I placed the Jell-o salad next to me and served him when he asked for some. He usually will take big heaps of a serving for any sugary food so I usually place it out of his reach. Even though I've told Mom about this tactic (which is so other people can get a serving and because I am afraid he'll become diabetic from eating all the sugary foods and candy he buys,) she either "forgets" to do it or whatever. I try to deal with the food issue. He does not seem to have a clue or does not seem to care how big a portion is. It's maddening to deal with them both. One is disabled with horrid habits that are exacerbated by a lack of impulse control and the other seems to ignore that he is like a child and can't control himself and almost seems to put him in situations where he is sure to fail. Mom is getting better and is improving as far as trying to adapt to his reality now. Dad can do little to improve and usually things only improve when he is treated with a non-judgemental attitude. 

I have a really shitty attitude. My anger at him doesn't go away but many times I can identify when he and Mom are going to come to some kind of odds. I have become a little better at refusing to assist with Mom when she wants to take him somewhere or get him do to something that seems to be too challenging for him. In Mom's defense: sometimes he isn't as bad as I predict he'll be. Then again he can do something so totally out of the ballpark and unexpected that it makes you want to scream.

{I plan on separating the different issues in my life that have affected me. I can think of anger, sexual abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, domestic violence, passive-aggressive behavior so far. I have to tell myself that although I still love some of the offending parties this is for my own good. I can't protect other people at my expense except maybe my sons. 

Why am I rude to my father? Is it a defense against thinking too much about him? Is it because his repeated garbled stories of the facts annoy me so much that I don't want to be angry with him so I cut him off? Is it because he reminds me of a possible future for me? Is it because I feel that since he neglected me as a child that he doesn't deserve better treatment from me? Is it because his luck was so much better than mine and that he has and had willing supporters to keep him on a track of success his whole life and I am bitter for not having the same?}

After dinner C and I went to BJ's. His car's hood has been crumpled up but doesn't come off. He only has one light so we had to go ASAP. M had called to tell me she got the card I sent her and she already went home because she was tired. I was fine with that since C and I were on our way to BJ's. We rescheduled for Friday after 3:00 pm. I may have to ask if she can do it on saturday since Mom, dad and I plan on going to Buster Crabb I bought some wipes, 2 dozen bagels, onion and raisin, diet Pepsi, granola bars, cheese and ketchup. We went to Wendy's and got Frosties and ate them in the car then came home. I put the groceries away. I went on line, finished off the diet Mountain Dew and facebooked. 

I continued watching that Scrubs marathon most of the night.

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page. I copied the poem CHANGE that I found online. This is a poem that I learned at the second shelter I stayed in. I Redesigned the blog page to include a list for "issues". I also organized the dates for the links I have been putting in a separate page for the blog. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I plan on taking a walk with M if she calls me around 6:00 pm.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: On the 19th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. Friday Molly plans on calling me so we can go for a walk along the Wall and maybe get some lemonade. Saturday, June 11th is Holly R.'s Birthday (Try to show up) Holly wrote me back on Facebook to say we'll get together next week if she isn't too swamped. 

It's not over 'til it's over. My personal reminder of my abusive relationships, my past victimizations, my formation of identity, my results of successes, my conditions and my beliefs. The blog's title to me is representative of the seasons of bipolar symptoms and the different changes I go through as I discover more about myself and come to terms with my reality.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/06/the-abusers-unpredictability/

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/04/talking-about-bipolar-disorder-isne28099t-e2809cplaying-the-victime2809d/

CHANGE

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It takes me forever to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my responsibility.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
~ by Portia Nelson

Found on:

http://community.palouse.net/atvp/pages/information_pages/domesticviolence.html

Talking About Bipolar Disorder isn’t “Playing the Victim” | Breaking Bipolar - HealthyPlace

Talking About Bipolar Disorder isn’t “Playing the Victim” | Breaking Bipolar - HealthyPlace

This is an excellent article! It addresses fear and ignorance and name calling to stop someone from talking about a very important and under exposed subject.

The Abuser’s Unpredictability - An Article...

The Abuser’s Unpredictability

June 2nd, 2011 / by Kellie Holly

Educating yourself about the cycle of abuse and the multiple tools in the abuser’s toolbox is the best way to protect yourself against your abuser’s unpredictability. In essence, the abuser’s “unpredictability” is not an abusive technique because the abuser doesn’t intend to be unpredictable; the abuser thinks you should knowwhat he is experiencing at all times, and therefore, you should not be surprised by anything he does, thinks or feels.

The abuser is startled by your inability to know what he is thinking/feeling because, to the abuser, you are merely an extension of himself and should fall in line and automatically think and feel as he does. When you do not know or behave appropriately, you become a target until he is able to drag you back in tow using the tools in his abusive toolbox.

The abuser is unpredictable in their moods and actions because you can’t read their minds like they think you can. If you could read the abuser’s mind, then you may try to avoid confrontation (co-dependency) and actually come to believe that you can read his mind and are able to circumvent his wrath. However, the abuser becomes upset when there is any trace of evidence showing that you are not being, doing, or thinking like him (Patricia Evans, “Controlling People“). The evidence showing that you are a separate person from him causes his world-view to tremble and he lashes out in a variety of methods to regain control of his fantasy world.

Regaining Control of the Victim

The methods the abuser uses vary depending on his personality, the current situation and the intended victim, but there are common behaviors (tools) abusers use to regain control.

Isolation: If the abuser can isolate you from as much of the rest of the world as he can, you are easier to control because fewer people are there to hear you, validate you, or tell you outright that he doesn’t treat you right. Additionally, isolation from others increases a victim’s reliance on the abuser and makes the victim feel alone in the world.

Erasing: The abuser seeks to erase the “true you” and replace you with his version of who he thinks you should be. The abuser attempts to make you less than you are in your own mind, too. My abuser said that if I would do what a woman was supposed to do (blindly follow him), then we wouldn’t have any problems. He would tell me that I didn’t know about the real world (so my opinions meant nothing). Abusers try to erase you from their reality.

Verbal Abuse: All types of verbal abuses are designed to control your thoughts, actions, and feelings. Verbal abuse includes everything from accusing to threatening, undermining, name-calling and even withholding (refusing to speak or share information).

Predictable Pattern of Abuse (a.k.a. Cycle of Violence)

Domesticviolence.org and several other such sites describe the cycle of abuse. The pattern is predictable, and each phase can last minutes or years. For example, I endured four physical assaults in 18 years of marriage (physical abuse beginning/ending the long cycles). However, the verbal violence cycle repeated much more frequently. The honeymoons I experienced were typically short compared to the rest, but I know of some people who’s honeymoons last a very long time.

The cycle of abuse goes something like this:

1.) Incident. Any type of abuse qualifies as an incident.

2.) Calm and/or apology. Abuser apologizes and says it will never happen again. Abuser claims the abuse wasn’t as bad as the victim makes it out to be and/or blames the victim for the abuse. Abuser may pretend nothing happened at all and expect the victim to do the same.

3.) Honeymoon. Abuser is sweet and kind; gifts are sometimes given to the victim. Victim softens and comes to believe the abuse will not occur again. Victim believes that the “nice guy” in him is the “real guy” and the abuse wasn’t as bad as she thought after all.

4.) Tension building. All the fakery of being a “nice guy” gets to him (charades are difficult to put on for long periods). Victim wants to keep the abuser calm and placated; she spends a lot of time guessing what his mood may be when she sees him again so she will know how to act at that time. Victim feels like she’s walking on eggshells, suffers anxiety or panic attacks, and/or withdraws from life to become as small and unnoticeable as possible.

5.) See number 1.

Victim Behaviors That Spark Abuse

Is there anything a victim can do to prevent an abusive attack? Sure! All you have to do is

• agree with the abuser about everything,
• do exactly what he would do in every situation, and
• anticipate his every need.

Also, be wary of asking him simple questions that you should know the answer to yourself. Avoid asking, “Where are you going?”, “What do you think about that?”, and “Where do you want to go for dinner?”

There is one emotion you should probably avoid at all costs: happiness. Be careful of being “too happy” when he is in a good mood (he may wonder what you’re so darn happy about when he’s only partly jolly and assume the worst). Be especially wary of being happy when he is not happy at all (my ex thought that I was trying to piss him off when I said, “I love my job!” with a smile. He acted out on that “insult” for a month). And please remember: A truly happy, joyful person is centered inside herself (she controls herself). THAT is an especially threatening emotion for him to witness on your face because happy people are very difficult to control.

Above all, remember that your abuse follows a predictable pattern. Begin to observe it, my friends.

Knowing what stage of the cycle of abuse you’re living in enables you to better insulate and detach yourself from an unpredictable abuser. At least when faced with an “Incident”, you can nod your head and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you knew it was coming, you just didn’t know when.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/06/the-abusers-unpredictability/

Tuesday Feels Like Wednesday When You Have No Job To Schedule You...

TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2011

Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 12:00 pm to my telephone alarm. I took both the allergy medication and the excedrin migraine. My period started Saturday night very, very light.  I felt much better and human after I took the pills and lay down for a few minutes but I was still groggy and wanted to sleep more.

Physical - I went to bed last night at 4:00 am. I had small headaches all day yesterday.  I was groggy and kind of lousy feeling all day. I can smell things really intensely, the mold on the bagels smells like chemical, my sneezes smell disgustingly musky (mold in my sinuses?) and my blood smells horrible (from p.).

Woke up -  I woke up at 12:00 pm. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - I got up around 12:00 pm. I went to pee. I was planning on going to Erika's house to finish the wallpaper but Mom asked me to stick around since she has a 2:30 pm appointment and Dad has Nancy coming. I went downstairs and had a fish and horseradish sauce sandwich. Mom went to Something Fishy and got a pond liner. She went after her skating lessons. Mom's appointment is a pre-checkup before the cataract surgery. Ofelia called me and she wasn't doing so well still. Yesterday she had a breathing treatment for a bronchitis condition. She's going to Texas then to Arizona in two weeks to see family. 

I worked on "Defining Bipolar Disorder". Nancy came and gave Dad his shower. When Mom was making dinner she came upstairs and asked if I could get some salsa at Cumberland Farms gave me $10 and the "key" to her car. Good thing because K. must have taken my car into work since it was gone. I also picked up 2 bags of TGIF chips and a diet Mountain Dew.

Mom and I ate the chicken she grilled outside along with broccoli, a green salad, the chips and salsa I got. We then went for a walk to Galilee and George's Beach after I cleared the table. I came back and went on line.  

{I plan on writing down family stories on the off chance that they might be interesting enough to publish. I started with the Germans and the Horseradish. I can look at my past journals where I've written down thoughts among my appointments and reminders. 

Mom and I got Mrs.Tyler's invitation to John's Memorial. Initially I wasn't going to go because I don't forgive Mrs. Tyler for gypping me the $500 and I don't like her as a person. I went to John's burial for myself as a way to end anything emotional I felt about him. I'd let anything I cared about him go a long time ago which is why I didn't see him while he was living here before he died. Temporarily I felt guilty for not calling or visiting him once. Fact is that he and his mother used me for cleaning and tasks. I convinced myself that John and I would get married. Once I actually considered the situation: that I would be related to Mrs. Tyler a very manipulative and nasty person who had no problem using me and my family for her benefit and a person that had no problem not paying me back what she owed me and then tried to make me feel guilty for it, and John a person that was emotionally needy and didn't take care of his health at all plus allowed himself to be his mother's pawn, I decided that I didn't need to encourage depression in my life by tying myself to them. In addition my sons didn't like them nor did my family. I will go to the Memorial because 1) I would want someone who cared about me once to go to my funeral, 2) Mom is going, 3) I will not have to ever feel anything for John and his family again.}

I continued watching that Scrubs marathon most of the night.

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page. I wrote down all the answers to the "Defining Bipolar Disorder"questions that I copied from http://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com/?p=2074 . I organized the WRAP Workbook again by taking out more pages and putting loose pages away. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I plan on taking a walk with Molly if she calls me around 6:00 pm.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: On the 19th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. Wednesday Molly plans on calling me so we can go for a walk along the Wall and maybe get some lemonade. Saturday, June 11th is Holly R.'s Birthday (Try to show up) Holly wrote me back on Facebook to say we'll get together next week if she isn't too swamped. 

This Morning Felt Like Summer Though...

MONDAY, JUNE 6, 2011

Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 9:15 am to my telephone alarm. Woke again at 09:45 am and I took both the allergy medication and the excedrin migraine. My period started Saturday night very, very light.  I felt much better and human after I took the pills and lay down for a few minutes but i was still groggy and wanted to sleep more.

Physical - I went to bed last night at 5:00 am. I had small headaches all day yesterday.  I was groggy and kind of lousy feeling all day. 

Woke up -  I woke up at 9:15 am then 9:45 am. Mom got me up because Dad was bleeding out his nose. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - I got up around 9:45 am. I went to pee only after Mom told me that Dad was bleeding out his nose. She planned on taking him to the ER but had called Dr. K. his primary doctor and the emergency answering service told her that the nurse would call her back. As she got dressed I waited with Dad to make sure he was alright and didn't pass out or anything. A few minutes after Mom was in the bathroom getting ready Dad's nose stopped bleeding. Mom called up Dr. M. and Eye, Ears, Nose and Throat doctor and got an appointment for 11:15, about an hour away. Once she was ready and Dad was changed (he bled all over his clothing,) they left for the appointment while I stayed behind. I was waiting for K. nurse to call back so I could update her as to the new appointment. I wrote about the morning in my Daily Page then went online. 

Once Mom had gotten home with Dad she told me that Dr. M. was worried about Dad's bout with Aplastic Anemia and gave him some blood tests. While he was at the appointment he winced while the nurse tried to draw his blood. She had to go into the other arm to draw blood because the job was botched. After Mom made Dad and herself lunch she asked me if I wanted to go to Lowes with her to pick up a pond liner. I made a hasty salmon sandwich with horseradish sauce and we took off for Warwick.

There were no liners there like the service person on the phone assured her that there was. We looked and asked a service person who told us since the liners really didn't sell well Lowes took them off the shelf. So we picked up a 15' faucet connector and an oscillating waterer for the garden. We looked for brussels sprouts seedlings but there were none there. I suggested that we visit J. since he usually had Monday off and we were less than a few miles away from him. I texted E. about finishing up the wallpaper in the room I started last month. 

I changed Dad's sheets just a moment ago (6:37 pm) since he'd bled on them. 

{Emotional break for my own musings: I think about him often and actively prevent myself from thinking about him too much. When I look at him a mixture of pity sadness disgust and anger wells in me mixed in different amounts depending on what he's doing or how I personally view him. Pity at how he is now an "old man", the stooped walk, the bewildered look and sometimes how he completes a task like buttoning his shirt. Sadness at the loss of being ever able to talk to him and resolve the pain of the past that he was responsible for. Disgust at the old habits that he always eccentrically had but can't repress like pissing out the front door into the hedge, shoveling huge amounts of food into his mouth without cutting it and talking, the OCD type actions of picking shit off the ground that is shiny but now useless and meaningless. Anger at the fact that he's just as selfish and egocentric as he always was with out an ounce of empathy for anyone who serves him or deals with him on a daily basis. It emotionally tires me out. The worst is the anger that comes when I look at him and see the possibility of me in him. The disability, the senselessness of my idiotic ramblings and accusations when I am imbalanced. The physical degeneration that I have gone through since Gary and I parted ways.}

I'd taken Dad's pants outside this morning when Mom and Dad left for the appointment. I dropped them into the soaking can that sits in the back lawn near the road. I scrubbed the blood stains out like Mom asked and left them in cold water to soak. So I remembered that Mom needed a connector hose when we had gone to Lowes. 

I wrote a note for J. and the girls that we had visited but couldn't find them at home. 

Mom and I stopped at S.'s Farms to see if they had any brussels sprouts seedlings, no joy but Mom bought 3 bush bean seedlings. We headed home at that point, it was close to 3:30 pm.

Dinner was pollack with a crumb topping, sweet potato chips, fruit salad and asparagus for us, corn for Dad. He said he didn't know why he couldn't eat asparagus and Mom and I both told him he had gout.

I did this blog and plan on finishing my Daily Page. Mom left for church it's the monthly meeting she has. I got in touch with T. from RIBSG. She was moving, I thought she was upset that I seemigly dismissed her when I was watching that Scrubs marathon before Mom left.

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page. I took out the PACE (Personal Assistance in Community Existence) Recovery Guide and added comments on things I didn't like about it. I answered this question: "Cast your mind back over the past week or two and try to recall some of your small accomplishments. What were some of your challenges? How did you feel afterward?" with a more detailed real life example. It was more detailed than the one I posted on that website as a comment. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I plan on going to E.'s house to remove the rest of her wallpaper. Mom has an appointment with Dad tomorrow.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: On the 19th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with D. CALL D. Wednesday M. plans on calling me so we can go for a walk along the Wall and maybe get some lemonade. Saturday, June 11th is H. R.'s Birthday (Try to show up). Today is J. D.'s and L. P.'s birthdays!

Other Links:

http://www.thrivewithbipolardisorder.com/?p=2074

Talking About Bipolar Disorder

Activities are created by Robin Mohilner

originally on her website http://www.voicesofbipolardisorder.com 

 The link for "Talking about Bipolar Disorder"

This Activity has 3 parts


(I am deleting the questions that follow because they are not suppose to be used for anything except personal use. Follow the URL above in order to copy and paste these questions in your own workbook. I plan on asking myself these questions at some point but I do not want any of my information to be used in someone else's book for their profit unless I feel that it has helped me or I think that it is pertinent.)

It Doesn't FEEL Like Summer...

SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2011

Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 8:45 am. Woke again at 11:45 am and I took both the allergy medication and the excedrin migraine. My period started last night very, very light.  I felt much better and human after I took the pills and lay down for a few minutes.

Physical - I went to bed last night at 2:00 am. I had small headaches all day yesterday.  I was able to get myself ready to go to coffee with Kevin. 

Woke up -  I woke up at 8:45 am then 11:45 am. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - I got up around 11:45 am. I went to pee. I took the two different medications because I promised myself yesterday that I would if I still felt crappy which I did. I woke up to "Another One Bites the Dust" pounding next door. I did some work on the WRAP book in organizing and copying "Identify Your Priorities" work pages and put hole reinforcements on the handwritten WRAP pages I did a few days ago. I talked to Car for about an hour because last night I was very upset about K.'s state of mind. K. and I went to Brewed Awakenings for coffee and talked for about a half an hour. I went home and worked more on the organization of the WRAP book until M. came by. It was last minute, she'd text'd me she'd be in South County. We talked at the Mews from 5:30 pm until 8:00 pm. I ate a Kickin' Thai Calzone which was good. I also drank 2 Woodchuck Amber Ales. 

I really don't know how it went. M. looks great except for some skin breakout on her face but we connected. She told me she'd call on Wednesday and we'd take a walk together. I think I was very emotional today because my period decided to show. I texted Erika about finishing up the wallpaper in the room I started last month. I will do that while she's at work tomorrow. 

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today and edited yesterday's incomplete blog. I wrote yesterday's and today's Daily Pages. I'm filled out the "Identify Your Priorities" work page I copied earlier today to get a grip on where I'm at as far as stress and maintenance goes. I feel like last week was a hangover from all the stress of the week Mom left when I was flying solo with Dad. I organized and labeled different sections in the WRAP part of my workbook. I also placed pages where I thought they should go in the workbook too. I plan on answering this question: "Cast your mind back over the past week or two and try to recall some of your small accomplishments. What were some of your challenges? How did you feel afterward?" also in more detail than the one I posted on that website as a comment.

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I plan on calling Erika about helping her with her house AGAIN. 

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: On the 19th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. Wednesday Molly plans on calling me so we can go for a walk along the Wall and maybe get some lemonade. Saturday, June 11th is Holly R.'s Birthday (Try to show up).

Struggling To Stay On My Mental Feet...

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2011

Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 9:55 am. I couldn't tell if I had a migraine I've been waking up. I took nothing today so far. I feel very uninvolved. I'm actually thinking of smoking right now. I feel elated and deflated and out of it.

Physical - I went to bed last night at 5:00 am. I have had small headaches all day.  My back is tight and my forehead hurts. I don't know if it's real since everything seems distant as if it's happening but I am watching from somewhere else.

Woke up -  I woke up at 1:45 pm. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow. I was just going to write "tomorrow" instead of the time but I think I need to write down something specific. I think I will get worse if I don't stick to specifics.

Activities - I got up around 10:00 am. I went to pee. Mr. Paul was on Mom's bed. I didn't know Mom was in bed still. I woke her up inadvertantly, I can't remember if I spoke to Paul or what happened that I did. She went to the bathroom while I waited for her on my bed. I went into the bathroom and went back to bed. I got up again at 1:45 pm (I think.) I freaked out because Car's car was in the front yard and it's hood was all screwed up. I didn't know when it happened I've been a little buried in my own @ss lately. I freaked out, called Car to see if he was okay and tried to snuggle in bed. He texted me back that he didn't want to talk about his car. I texted him a thank you and if he was coming back tonight.

 Mom and Dad got back around 2:00 pm. Last night I spent a couple of hours trying to get my printer to copy a paper. It doesn't seem to be recognizing the cartridges I just put in. I am not hungry but want to eat. I can't stand to look at anybody's face though so I skipped on dinner. 

Everything is starting to feel strange and surreal. I'm not sure what to do about myself. 

I skipped dinner but ordered Dominoes so K. and I could drive to Narragansett. We picked up the order (med. pizza, bread bowl pasta thing, italian sandwich, two diet cokes and some chicken pieces with habanero mango hot sauce,) and drove to the light house. Only after K. asked me for money and got a pack of smokes. We came home and I told Mom I wanted to talk to her. I also told Car we needed to talk in the morning. I went upstairs and finished Deadeye Dick and was unsatisfied with the story but got meaning from the message. When i went to the bathroom I noticed that I had my period. Not a lot but things have been that way for me lately.

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today.  I posted a comment on the sight following these entries below for the question: "Cast your mind back over the past week or two and try to recall some of your small accomplishments. What were some of your challenges? How did you feel afterward?"

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I think it might be a good idea if I drive myself somewhere. 

  

I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.

A reminder: On the 16th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA.

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/15/139421/recovery-question 

The Little Things in Your Recovery: Question of the Week

John McManamy

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Recovery in bipolar is about the little things. Last evening, I experienced the pleasure of beating someone in chess who didn't know how to play chess. Okay, this is a rather dubious achievement, but earlier in the week I had a friend over for a home-made pizza, which meant I first had to clean the house, which involved a number of tasks that I'd been putting off for weeks, so I felt good about that.

I also felt good about my delicious pizza and the hospitality I extended to my friend.

Later in the week, I felt good about paying some of my bills on time. Small stuff, really, but when you think about it these are very important indicators that we have control in our lives. And when we feel we have a sense of control, we feel better. There is far less a chance of us worrying ourselves into an episode. There is a far better chance of moving our recovery forward, step-by-step.

The little things. Huge implications.

Think of this week's question as an exercise in the kind of vigilance our illness demands of us. Question:

Cast your mind back over the past week or two and try to recall some of your small accomplishments. What were some of your challenges? How did you feel afterward?

Right now I am teetering on depression. I committed to developing a WRAP program for myself a month ago alone much to my disappointment. I live in a difficult situation that distracts me from paying attention to managing my symptoms and encourages me to be in denial about them. It seems waking up is a struggle lately. I can still do the regularly scheduled bills but only some of the basic tasks that most people seem to unconsciously perform everyday without fail. I am braking down a little at a time. The small tasks that I can still achieve help me to believe that I am not a total waste of human life.

I won't answer your question fully here; it would take too long. Suffice it to say that I am glad your question came to my attention. I will add it to my WRAP book and hope to have the concentration to answer it. When life is falling on me the little things in life are the only things in life I can see. And when I can catch them and complete them I feel so proud that I haven't fallen so low that I cannot see them scuttle about. It's like a hurricane that descends made of millions of pixels that distract me from the storm.

You see I can't even stay on topic...