Switching Gears and Refining My Techniques...

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2011

Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 12:00 pm. I took both the allergy medication and the extra strength Pamprin; the Pamprin has no caffeine so I'm drinking diet Mountain Dew. My period started Saturday night very, very light. It is still light but but heavier than the past four days.  I felt a little better and human after I took the pills but I am still groggy and wanted to sleep more. It may be that the ozone is heavier today (so says the weather guy Doug on the news.)

Physical - I went to bed last night at 5:00 am. I didn't have small headaches all day yesterday like Monday.  I am groggy and kind of lousy feeling all day. I can smell things really intensely, the mold on the bagels smells like chemical, my sneezes smell disgustingly musky (mold in my sinuses?) and my blood smells horrible (from p.).

Woke up -  I woke up at 12:00 pm. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow. 

Activities - I got up around 12:00 pm. I went to pee. I went to see if Mom was home. She wasn't so I mixed a can of that gubmint Beef Stew with a can of that gubmint alphabet soup and a can of reduced sodium green beans and a can of creamed corn and about 2 tablespoons of the fajita spice, a half tsp. of oregano and a half tsp. of black pepper just crushed. Before I could even do that Dad came in and said "What are you making me today, A-?" I wanted to strangle him. I immediately quelled a nasty response and told him soup. So I heated the stew through and gave him two pieces of bread and a granola bar. A reminder: I need to go to BJ's for granola bars, diet Pepsi and bagels. Wally World will have cheese and q-tips. Last night I worked on getting a few URLs that were pertinent to WRAP.

 Mom came back from dropping of E. at work early and seeing Ek. at DEM. 

I went downstairs and folded the dry laundry. Most of today I looked at WRAP topics and figured "issues" were important to recognize and separate in my life. Maybe identifying them will help me to get therapy for them since there are so many and their from different things that have happened in my life. I just have to figure out how to organize them on the blog (I have redesign the links for a separate column just for the "issues". 

Mom grilled burgers outside. We ate asparagus, the chips and salsa and a raspberry Jell-o salad with blueberries in yogurt on top after I cleared the table. Caryl had joined us after Dad went inside. Yes Dad actually ate outside with us. He slammed his yam while we were trying to get food on the table and while the Burgers were still grilling. So I placed the Jell-o salad next to me and served him when he asked for some. He usually will take big heaps of a serving for any sugary food so I usually place it out of his reach. Even though I've told Mom about this tactic (which is so other people can get a serving and because I am afraid he'll become diabetic from eating all the sugary foods and candy he buys,) she either "forgets" to do it or whatever. I try to deal with the food issue. He does not seem to have a clue or does not seem to care how big a portion is. It's maddening to deal with them both. One is disabled with horrid habits that are exacerbated by a lack of impulse control and the other seems to ignore that he is like a child and can't control himself and almost seems to put him in situations where he is sure to fail. Mom is getting better and is improving as far as trying to adapt to his reality now. Dad can do little to improve and usually things only improve when he is treated with a non-judgemental attitude. 

I have a really shitty attitude. My anger at him doesn't go away but many times I can identify when he and Mom are going to come to some kind of odds. I have become a little better at refusing to assist with Mom when she wants to take him somewhere or get him do to something that seems to be too challenging for him. In Mom's defense: sometimes he isn't as bad as I predict he'll be. Then again he can do something so totally out of the ballpark and unexpected that it makes you want to scream.

{I plan on separating the different issues in my life that have affected me. I can think of anger, sexual abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, domestic violence, passive-aggressive behavior so far. I have to tell myself that although I still love some of the offending parties this is for my own good. I can't protect other people at my expense except maybe my sons. 

Why am I rude to my father? Is it a defense against thinking too much about him? Is it because his repeated garbled stories of the facts annoy me so much that I don't want to be angry with him so I cut him off? Is it because he reminds me of a possible future for me? Is it because I feel that since he neglected me as a child that he doesn't deserve better treatment from me? Is it because his luck was so much better than mine and that he has and had willing supporters to keep him on a track of success his whole life and I am bitter for not having the same?}

After dinner C and I went to BJ's. His car's hood has been crumpled up but doesn't come off. He only has one light so we had to go ASAP. M had called to tell me she got the card I sent her and she already went home because she was tired. I was fine with that since C and I were on our way to BJ's. We rescheduled for Friday after 3:00 pm. I may have to ask if she can do it on saturday since Mom, dad and I plan on going to Buster Crabb I bought some wipes, 2 dozen bagels, onion and raisin, diet Pepsi, granola bars, cheese and ketchup. We went to Wendy's and got Frosties and ate them in the car then came home. I put the groceries away. I went on line, finished off the diet Mountain Dew and facebooked. 

I continued watching that Scrubs marathon most of the night.

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page. I copied the poem CHANGE that I found online. This is a poem that I learned at the second shelter I stayed in. I Redesigned the blog page to include a list for "issues". I also organized the dates for the links I have been putting in a separate page for the blog. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I plan on taking a walk with M if she calls me around 6:00 pm.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: On the 19th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. Friday Molly plans on calling me so we can go for a walk along the Wall and maybe get some lemonade. Saturday, June 11th is Holly R.'s Birthday (Try to show up) Holly wrote me back on Facebook to say we'll get together next week if she isn't too swamped. 

It's not over 'til it's over. My personal reminder of my abusive relationships, my past victimizations, my formation of identity, my results of successes, my conditions and my beliefs. The blog's title to me is representative of the seasons of bipolar symptoms and the different changes I go through as I discover more about myself and come to terms with my reality.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/06/the-abusers-unpredictability/

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/04/talking-about-bipolar-disorder-isne28099t-e2809cplaying-the-victime2809d/

CHANGE

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It takes me forever to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my responsibility.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
~ by Portia Nelson

Found on:

http://community.palouse.net/atvp/pages/information_pages/domesticviolence.html