SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2011
Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 9:55 am. I couldn't tell if I had a migraine I've been waking up. I took nothing today so far. I feel very uninvolved. I'm actually thinking of smoking right now. I feel elated and deflated and out of it.
Physical - I went to bed last night at 5:00 am. I have had small headaches all day. My back is tight and my forehead hurts. I don't know if it's real since everything seems distant as if it's happening but I am watching from somewhere else.
Woke up - I woke up at 1:45 pm. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow. I was just going to write "tomorrow" instead of the time but I think I need to write down something specific. I think I will get worse if I don't stick to specifics.
Activities - I got up around 10:00 am. I went to pee. Mr. Paul was on Mom's bed. I didn't know Mom was in bed still. I woke her up inadvertantly, I can't remember if I spoke to Paul or what happened that I did. She went to the bathroom while I waited for her on my bed. I went into the bathroom and went back to bed. I got up again at 1:45 pm (I think.) I freaked out because Car's car was in the front yard and it's hood was all screwed up. I didn't know when it happened I've been a little buried in my own @ss lately. I freaked out, called Car to see if he was okay and tried to snuggle in bed. He texted me back that he didn't want to talk about his car. I texted him a thank you and if he was coming back tonight.
Mom and Dad got back around 2:00 pm. Last night I spent a couple of hours trying to get my printer to copy a paper. It doesn't seem to be recognizing the cartridges I just put in. I am not hungry but want to eat. I can't stand to look at anybody's face though so I skipped on dinner.
Everything is starting to feel strange and surreal. I'm not sure what to do about myself.
I skipped dinner but ordered Dominoes so K. and I could drive to Narragansett. We picked up the order (med. pizza, bread bowl pasta thing, italian sandwich, two diet cokes and some chicken pieces with habanero mango hot sauce,) and drove to the light house. Only after K. asked me for money and got a pack of smokes. We came home and I told Mom I wanted to talk to her. I also told Car we needed to talk in the morning. I went upstairs and finished Deadeye Dick and was unsatisfied with the story but got meaning from the message. When i went to the bathroom I noticed that I had my period. Not a lot but things have been that way for me lately.
WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I posted a comment on the sight following these entries below for the question: "Cast your mind back over the past week or two and try to recall some of your small accomplishments. What were some of your challenges? How did you feel afterward?"
Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I think it might be a good idea if I drive myself somewhere.
I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.
A reminder: On the 16th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA.
http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/15/139421/recovery-question
The Little Things in Your Recovery: Question of the Week
Saturday, June 04, 2011
Recovery in bipolar is about the little things. Last evening, I experienced the pleasure of beating someone in chess who didn't know how to play chess. Okay, this is a rather dubious achievement, but earlier in the week I had a friend over for a home-made pizza, which meant I first had to clean the house, which involved a number of tasks that I'd been putting off for weeks, so I felt good about that.
I also felt good about my delicious pizza and the hospitality I extended to my friend.
Later in the week, I felt good about paying some of my bills on time. Small stuff, really, but when you think about it these are very important indicators that we have control in our lives. And when we feel we have a sense of control, we feel better. There is far less a chance of us worrying ourselves into an episode. There is a far better chance of moving our recovery forward, step-by-step.
The little things. Huge implications.
Think of this week's question as an exercise in the kind of vigilance our illness demands of us. Question:
Cast your mind back over the past week or two and try to recall some of your small accomplishments. What were some of your challenges? How did you feel afterward?
Right now I am teetering on depression. I committed to developing a WRAP program for myself a month ago alone much to my disappointment. I live in a difficult situation that distracts me from paying attention to managing my symptoms and encourages me to be in denial about them. It seems waking up is a struggle lately. I can still do the regularly scheduled bills but only some of the basic tasks that most people seem to unconsciously perform everyday without fail. I am braking down a little at a time. The small tasks that I can still achieve help me to believe that I am not a total waste of human life.
I won't answer your question fully here; it would take too long. Suffice it to say that I am glad your question came to my attention. I will add it to my WRAP book and hope to have the concentration to answer it. When life is falling on me the little things in life are the only things in life I can see. And when I can catch them and complete them I feel so proud that I haven't fallen so low that I cannot see them scuttle about. It's like a hurricane that descends made of millions of pixels that distract me from the storm.
You see I can't even stay on topic...
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