The Abuser’s Unpredictability - An Article...

The Abuser’s Unpredictability

June 2nd, 2011 / by Kellie Holly

Educating yourself about the cycle of abuse and the multiple tools in the abuser’s toolbox is the best way to protect yourself against your abuser’s unpredictability. In essence, the abuser’s “unpredictability” is not an abusive technique because the abuser doesn’t intend to be unpredictable; the abuser thinks you should knowwhat he is experiencing at all times, and therefore, you should not be surprised by anything he does, thinks or feels.

The abuser is startled by your inability to know what he is thinking/feeling because, to the abuser, you are merely an extension of himself and should fall in line and automatically think and feel as he does. When you do not know or behave appropriately, you become a target until he is able to drag you back in tow using the tools in his abusive toolbox.

The abuser is unpredictable in their moods and actions because you can’t read their minds like they think you can. If you could read the abuser’s mind, then you may try to avoid confrontation (co-dependency) and actually come to believe that you can read his mind and are able to circumvent his wrath. However, the abuser becomes upset when there is any trace of evidence showing that you are not being, doing, or thinking like him (Patricia Evans, “Controlling People“). The evidence showing that you are a separate person from him causes his world-view to tremble and he lashes out in a variety of methods to regain control of his fantasy world.

Regaining Control of the Victim

The methods the abuser uses vary depending on his personality, the current situation and the intended victim, but there are common behaviors (tools) abusers use to regain control.

Isolation: If the abuser can isolate you from as much of the rest of the world as he can, you are easier to control because fewer people are there to hear you, validate you, or tell you outright that he doesn’t treat you right. Additionally, isolation from others increases a victim’s reliance on the abuser and makes the victim feel alone in the world.

Erasing: The abuser seeks to erase the “true you” and replace you with his version of who he thinks you should be. The abuser attempts to make you less than you are in your own mind, too. My abuser said that if I would do what a woman was supposed to do (blindly follow him), then we wouldn’t have any problems. He would tell me that I didn’t know about the real world (so my opinions meant nothing). Abusers try to erase you from their reality.

Verbal Abuse: All types of verbal abuses are designed to control your thoughts, actions, and feelings. Verbal abuse includes everything from accusing to threatening, undermining, name-calling and even withholding (refusing to speak or share information).

Predictable Pattern of Abuse (a.k.a. Cycle of Violence)

Domesticviolence.org and several other such sites describe the cycle of abuse. The pattern is predictable, and each phase can last minutes or years. For example, I endured four physical assaults in 18 years of marriage (physical abuse beginning/ending the long cycles). However, the verbal violence cycle repeated much more frequently. The honeymoons I experienced were typically short compared to the rest, but I know of some people who’s honeymoons last a very long time.

The cycle of abuse goes something like this:

1.) Incident. Any type of abuse qualifies as an incident.

2.) Calm and/or apology. Abuser apologizes and says it will never happen again. Abuser claims the abuse wasn’t as bad as the victim makes it out to be and/or blames the victim for the abuse. Abuser may pretend nothing happened at all and expect the victim to do the same.

3.) Honeymoon. Abuser is sweet and kind; gifts are sometimes given to the victim. Victim softens and comes to believe the abuse will not occur again. Victim believes that the “nice guy” in him is the “real guy” and the abuse wasn’t as bad as she thought after all.

4.) Tension building. All the fakery of being a “nice guy” gets to him (charades are difficult to put on for long periods). Victim wants to keep the abuser calm and placated; she spends a lot of time guessing what his mood may be when she sees him again so she will know how to act at that time. Victim feels like she’s walking on eggshells, suffers anxiety or panic attacks, and/or withdraws from life to become as small and unnoticeable as possible.

5.) See number 1.

Victim Behaviors That Spark Abuse

Is there anything a victim can do to prevent an abusive attack? Sure! All you have to do is

• agree with the abuser about everything,
• do exactly what he would do in every situation, and
• anticipate his every need.

Also, be wary of asking him simple questions that you should know the answer to yourself. Avoid asking, “Where are you going?”, “What do you think about that?”, and “Where do you want to go for dinner?”

There is one emotion you should probably avoid at all costs: happiness. Be careful of being “too happy” when he is in a good mood (he may wonder what you’re so darn happy about when he’s only partly jolly and assume the worst). Be especially wary of being happy when he is not happy at all (my ex thought that I was trying to piss him off when I said, “I love my job!” with a smile. He acted out on that “insult” for a month). And please remember: A truly happy, joyful person is centered inside herself (she controls herself). THAT is an especially threatening emotion for him to witness on your face because happy people are very difficult to control.

Above all, remember that your abuse follows a predictable pattern. Begin to observe it, my friends.

Knowing what stage of the cycle of abuse you’re living in enables you to better insulate and detach yourself from an unpredictable abuser. At least when faced with an “Incident”, you can nod your head and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you knew it was coming, you just didn’t know when.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/06/the-abusers-unpredictability/