Break Down On A Small Scale...

Break Down On A Small Scale...

THURSDAY, JULY 14, 2011

Mood - I went to bed around 3:00 am. I got to sleep around 4:00 am. I was tired all day and had a migraine at the beginning of the day. I was able to get up but had a hard time waking up. Mom came in my room to tell me she was leaving but I only got up once she left. I got some things done but the day had a depressing tinge to it. I passed out at E's house later. I was too wonky to drive to Worcester with E. I also forgot to tell Mom what was going on and just went out and did things. My mind hounded me with images of J telling me what a loser I was.

Physical - I got up around 11:10 am. My knee is sore and hurts this morning. I took the meds. when I got up. I also took 2 Aleve for the pain in my knee. I didn't want to leave the darkness of my room, I had a migraine even after taking the excedrin migraine. I did a delivery for C. My period is in full swing. I've had it for about 3 days now but Wednesday is when I really saw red. The late nap f^cked up my sleeping goals royally.

Woke up - I woke up 11:10 am, Mom left after making sure I wasn't totally out of it and responded to her.  I didn't take the gummi vitamins at all today but did take the allergy/excedrin around 11:10 am as well as Aleve about an hour later.

Activities - I woke up after falling asleep when being woken up first by Mom. I went downstairs after taking the meds. I made Dad's lunch out of yesterdays fish but made a mixture of about 4 cups of pasta, blue cheese, cheddar cheese, pesto and spaghetti sauce for myself. I went upstairs after sitting in the library for a while. I felt very tired and drowsy. I ate my lunch in front of the television for a little bit and fed the fish. After I finished the food I headed upstairs. I lay down with my head in the darker side of my bed. 

C texted me asking if I could drive at 3:00 pm. I didn't want to but turned him down the past 2 times. I told him I'd call Mom and see if she was getting back before N came. Finally after about an hour and a half he started to get bitchy and the pouty lip came outE texted me also about going to the Worcester show of the Truckfighters at Ralph's Diner. As I lay on my bed with closed curtains I took their texts and planned on going out for the afternoon and night. It was 1:00 pm when I lay down. I put the alarm on for 2:15 pm to get to Carquest. 

Luckily Mom came home about 2:00 pm. She handed me mail from human services so they did get my updated information. (The cheap fucking bastards aren't going to give me FS for July even though I sent it in before July. Cunts.) I got up and went into town. I took the company car to the NK CQ and picked up the delivery. I saw R before leaving for NK. He lost some weight. 

After CQ closed (I sat in the store until 6:00 pm waiting for E to call me,) I drove to E's house feeling great trepidation about being there. I felt that I didn't want to go home either. Mom was being really nice and it was freaking me out which is also a big reason why I left to help C out. I picked up a 2 piece chicken pack with a biscuit, coleslaw, potato wedges and diet peps for dinner and ate it once I got to E's house. One of B's friends showed up as I was finishing my meal. I felt like a scavenger caught eating a carcass and wolfed the rest down. I went inside and lay down on the couch after wiping up the tons of hair that B, B and B left on it. I didn't get up until about 8:30 pm when E came home. She didn't seem to really want to go to Worcester either so when she asked if I felt up to it I had no problem saying no. We talked as she fooled around on her computer. Later about 11:30 pm she ordered food from Dominoes and I ate about 6 pieces of pizza and 3 wings. E gave me the Truckfighter's signed poster before I left to hang on my wall. I left after E lay down and went to sleep. I turned off her lights and went home.

Once here I went on line with the intentions of writing the Daily Page and the Blog. I only did this blog Friday Morning.

WRAP - I wrote today's blog. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on doing an activity for WRAP. I have to finish decorating the piñata. 

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: On the 19th is the RIBSG at Warwick Public Library room 100, 6:30 pm. Jerme is coming on the 28th of July for a few weeks. E asked Mom to pick him up that day and Mom asked B if he'd come to Boston with her. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and Jerome are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. I need to glue tissue paper on the piñata and decorate it the July birthday party cookout. I can't find the little gifts from the last piñata. I also need to wrap E's and L's gifts (when SM's gift comes.) I also need to buy L a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here.  ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. There's a conference Sept 18 through the 21st. in Philadelphia too. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: Not much.

Made me feel better about myself: I did get out of the house and helped C out. 

Other Stuff I Did While Online

As I sat in the chair and my sister got close to hysteria screaming that I had to get a doctor I wished that for a second she would calm down enough for me to explain that a Psychiatrist is not a witch doctor. There's no magic. There's no fairy powder. Becoming well again requires effort and time and patience. It took me a while to get here, it's going to take me a while to get out of this. And until certain situations have changed...

Situations I have no power over, there will be very little anybody can do except me with my own self maintenance. Psychiatrists help they do not cure. They are a component not "the answer". And Butler, although a break from some of the serious sh!t in my life is just that: a break. I still have to come back to my life. I only go to Butler when I am just about to shoot into the stratosphere but just before the vacuum beyond. I hate it when people treat me like I don't know my own mind. I know it only too well, much more than I would ever want to. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kLEnrc4yHA&playnext=1&list=PL65E904D4A3884950

Roseanne Rosannadanna

There it was a RECTAL ECLIPSE!

Gilda Radner