MONDAY, JULY 18, 2011
Mood - Tired and weary, driving myself to do what I need to do today, unmotivated. I wasn't able to see someone about my knee injury from yesterday. Reading articles about child abuse and Mothers who just let it happen and Mothers who kill the abusers brings me down. I still collected the URLs for this blog. Paul was taken to the vets.
Physical - I got up around 1:00 pm. My knee is sore but but my calf muscle is aching like I strained the muscle. The back of my knee and the muscles in the back of my leg feel like they are cramping. I twisted something in my knee after crossing the road from Crazy Burger to C's car yesterday. My period is still here just not as much as before. I've had it for about 9 days now but Wednesday is when I really saw red. I had a headache once I got into the patient's room today it passed fast. I'm am tired and the humidity is making me feel sticky and skanky. My left top eyelid is still twitching a little today.
Woke up - I woke up 1:00 pm. I forget to take the excedrin and allergy meds as well as the Aleve.
Activities -I went to bed around 7:00 am. I closed the curtains and fell asleep. I was tired and didn't wake up when Mom came into my room to ask me to go swimming. When I did get up my right calf hurt and the knee didn't want to be bent. I went to the bathroom, did my business, went to my room and opened the curtains. I asked Mom to drive me to SoCo Walk-in about 1:30 pm so I could see someone about my knee and leg. I'm limping now. I waited until 4:00 pm (I think) then left the room they took me into after hearing that 5 more people were in front of me to be seen. I called Mom for a ride and made a 2:15 pm appointment for tomorrow. Mom picked me up and we went to Critter Hut to get some feeder fish. Now that the goldfish from the tank are out in the pond we need more goldfish to clean the tank of algae. they had none in and the girl told us they would be in tomorrow. Mom asked me to remind her to stop by Cumbie's and pick up milk for her and Dad. Once we got the I bought a trail mix bag of Hole In One Mix which was good but has sesame seeds in it. I told Mom to spit it out after looking at the ingredients panel on the bag.
II went upstairs and got on the internet and found many links to child sexual abuse, good ones too. Unfortunately it didn't help my mood any remembering and writing about the past so I stuck to just one comment and copied the rest of the links. This is what I wrote:
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/03/12/confessions-of-a-child-molesters-wife/#respond
I can relate to your story in many ways but at the same time not in other ways. I too was abused but by the baby sitter's husband. My plea to have my siblings and I to be taken from that situation were ignored. The abuse continued. I was not the only child abused. And it was more than sexual abuse; emotional abuse, mental abuse and physical abuse as well as neglect ran rampant in the household. They taught us sick mental habits like keeping secrets and denial that we all carried into our adulthoods. I became severely withdrawn and depressed to the point that my parents figured I was retarded probably because I was despondent. I didn't talk to people, I was easily bullied, I lived in fear of every one and everything. Even now it affects me and limits my life. You never "get over" treatment that equates with brain washing. The crippling depression that developed into mental illness has limited my life in so many ways and still restricts how I think, feel, react and live. My trust has only been given completely to my two children.
Once I found out that one of my children had been molested by a godfather I immediately called the police. My girlfriend had told me before that she suspected that there was something wrong with this man. I didn't believe her until I asked my child at bedtime after feeling particularly strange about the godfather's generous attentions to my one child as he almost totally ignored my other child. I know the godfather since I was a little child. I played with him when we were both kids.
When my child's stepfather burned him and abused him at a very young age I gave him an ultimatum: stop it or I leave with both the children. I did that and then sought (useless) help from the church and therapists. Even though I felt that I would never be protected by people that loved me because I was never protected by them in the past, I grew angry and left my family at a young age. I knew that because my family's inaction and indifference towards me and my issues would just continue as they had in the past. I could never trust anyone else to do the right thing for the people that I loved and who trusted me.
I do not know if that is just a part of my personality: being responsible for my dependents and it is not a part of yours. I do not know if you just handled depression differently. My depression would turn into a rage at the people who would take advantage of children and their absolute trust. It would blame the people who implied that a child made a choice to be treated in a way they could not know unless taught by someone else. My children trust me without question. I'm not a hero, my life is pathetic and poor. BUT the people that know me know that I would never hurt a child and that I am not a false person. And I am comforted by the fact that I was able to support and protect my children and communicate with them in ways my parents never could and never did. And my children know that they can talk to me about things that people normally would not even broach in public never mind closed doors.
I know what your daughter feels like. That level of trust that you betrayed will not come easily. You betrayed it a long time ago, over and over again. And for what; your own comfort? Your own denial? Status quo? Although I am glad you wrote this article I have little empathy for you as far as being an effective mother goes. I have a lot of empathy for the manipulated child that you once were. Maybe your daughter will be able to take from your/her tragedy and build lessons of communication in her own life. Never miss a chance to learn and apply. Never miss a chance to say "I screwed up and I am sorry. What can I do to make this different?"
Of course it's not complete, there is so much more that happened to contribute to the trust issues like therapists who betrayed me and ones that were unprofessional. As much as I want to write down everything I have to limit my involvement in thoughts about the past so that i don't get sucked down my bad thoughts and overwhelmed.
Mom made haddock with crumbs and cilantro. she served it with the leftover chard and zucchini that was made a few days ago. Rice and a Jell-o salad with raspberries rounded out dinner. It gets on y nerves that my Father serves himself these gargantuan portions of food and instead of pre-plating his meals my Mother just gripes about his actions. At this point she should not be giving him the option of serving himself, he has no shame, no clue and is totally impulsive. It aggravates me to see this also because I am trying to control my own portions and eating habits. His out of control piggishness incites my anger and fear that I won't get enough to eat which just brings back the past. I know my Mother has no empathy for that part of the past. She seems to be as unaware of it as she is of his waning abilities and his waxing impulses.
I finished and excused myself by stating that I was going to close my windows from the short rain fall that happened while we ate dinner. I went online and kept at the links I found below. Around 06:40 pm we took Paul to the vets for his abscess. The vet cleaned it out, gave him a rabies shot and prescribed Paul some antibiotics. We took him home and let him out of the travel crate and he went under the daybed and is still there.
I wrote the Daily Page while watching Hoarders. I also wrote this blog.
WRAP - I wrote today's blog. I wrote today's Daily Page. I found an activity for the WRAP Workbook.
Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on doing an activity for WRAP. I have to finish decorating the piñata. I have an appointment at 2:15 pm at SoCo Walk-in. I also have the RIBSG at the Warwick Public Library.
{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}
A reminder: On the 19th is the RIBSG at Warwick Public Library room 100, 6:30 pm. J is coming on the 28th of July for a few weeks. E asked Mom to pick him up that day and Mom asked B if he'd come to Boston with her. We are also planning a family party to coincide with J's stay in RI. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom will need my help then. I need to glue tissue paper on the piñata and decorate it the July birthday party cookout. I can't find the little gifts from the last piñata. I also need to wrap E's and L's gifts (when SM's gift comes.) I also need to buy L a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. There's a conference Sept 18 through the 21st. in Philadelphia too.
Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:
Joy: I asked to use the phone even though every fiber in my body screamed for me to not ask.
Made me feel better about myself: I helped Mom with getting Paul to the vets.
Other Stuff I Discovered While Online:
071811
ISSUES
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/07/17/straight-talk-to-parents-about-protecting-children-from-sexual-abuse/
Straight Talk to Parents About Protecting Children From Sexual Abuse
Jul 17th, 2011 | by Christina Enevoldsen
I come from a long line of parents who didn’t protect their children from sexual abuse. My maternal and paternal grandparents failed to guard my parents; my parents didn’t protect me (my father was my primary sexual abuser); then I failed to protect my children.
I’ve written about some of my own issues that made my daughter vulnerable to sexual abuse from her father in “Confessions of a Child Molester’s Wife”. I’ve received a lot of criticism about that, but the reason I’m open about my past, and especially my failures, is that that I hope others learn from my gross mistakes.
When people talk about preventing abuse, most of the focus is on awareness. Even if the whole world was aware, abuse would still continue. I was aware of sexual abuse since I endured it for years, but that didn’t prevent my daughter from being abused right under my nose.
There are more and more programs and books aimed at protecting children from abuse that are directed at children. They are very important since so much abuse comes from within the child’s own home and many times it’s the parents who enable the abuse or perpetrate the abuse.
But there is only so much an outside program can do. The two things a child is taught to do require using her voice to either say “no” or to tell someone, but how much of a voice does a child really have? Usually, only as much as her parents allow. The most effective protectors are the parents.
Talking to your child about abusive situations is part of protecting him, but having a “prevention talk” is only part of the solution. It’s more effective if you talk about these issues on a regular basis and provide a lifestyle of open communication and healthy support. Words are important, but be aware of non-verbal messages you may be sending. It’s how you treat your child, how you treat yourself and the behavior you model that will impact him the most.
ISSUES
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child-Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming
Child Sexual Abuse: 6 Stages of Grooming
By Dr. Michael Welner
The Oprah Winfrey Show | October 18, 2010
Grooming is the process by which an offender draws a victim into a sexual relationship and maintains that relationship in secrecy. The shrouding of the relationship is an essential feature of grooming. Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner explains the six stages that can lead up to sexual molestation.
ISSUES
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/How-Child-Molestation-Tore-the-Nesler-Family-Apart
Lasting Affects of Child Molestation
The Oprah Winfrey Show | October 18, 2010
It was one of the most unforgettable news stories of the '90s. On April 2, 1993, Ellie Nesler, a single mother seeking justice, shot and killed her son's accused rapist in the courtroom.
Some hailed Ellie as a hero...but that didn't help her case. She was charged with voluntary manslaughter and convicted. Her son, Willy, was sent to live with his aunt, while her daughter, Rebecca, went to live with her grandmother.
Two years later, Oprah first spoke with Ellie and her children. At that time, Ellie was serving time in a California prison for killing Daniel Driver, the man who was on trial for molesting Willy and four other boys.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-16-Year-Old-Boy-Who-Killed-His-Molester
January 22, 2010, started off as a typical Friday for 16-year-old Daniel Kovarbasich. That morning, his father drove his mother to work, dropping off Daniel at the home of close family friend Duane Hurley, who was supposed to take Daniel to school.
Thirty minutes later, Duane was dead. Daniel had stabbed him 55 times.
ISSUES
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/
Overcoming Sexual Abuse inspires, empowers, educates & supports male and female survivors of sexual abuse. We hope you participate and share your stories, feelings, victories, defeats, insights, & hopes along the way to embracing your new life. If you know someone else who would benefit from joining us, invite them to come along.
ISSUES
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/07/25/power-play-how-to-recognize-an-abuser/
Power Play: How To Recognize An Abuser
Jul 25th, 2010 | By Christina Enevoldsen | Category: All Posts, Christina's Blog
ISSUES
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/09/13/the-fear-of-being-re-victimized/
The Fear of Being Re-victimized
Sep 13th, 2010 | By osa | Category: All Posts, Truth Talks--10 Minute Audio
by Christina Enevoldsen & Bethany Ruck
Childhood sexual abuse often leaves the survivor vulnerable to more abuse and afraid of being victimized again. In this ten minute audio discussion, Christina Enevoldsen and Bethany Ruck share how they turn their violations in adulthood into tools for healing.
ISSUES
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/07/26/the-wolf-in-shepherd’s-clothing-the-“benevolent”-abuser/
The Wolf in Shepherd’s Clothing: The “Benevolent” Abuser
Jul 26th, 2010
by Christina Enevoldsen
Abusers like that seem to be on the prowl for lost survivors. They come in various forms such as parents, therapists, support group leaders, teachers, mentors, or pastors. The seemingly benevolent helper plays on our insecurities and fears and enslaves us to the very thing we are struggling to be free of. “Benevolent” abusers have common methods for gaining power over vulnerable survivors:
ISSUES
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/07/27/power-trip-how-to-journey-from-overpowered-to-empowered/
Power Trip: How to Journey From Overpowered to Empowered
Jul 27th, 2010 | By Christina Enevoldsen
ISSUES
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2009/10/20/how-to-handle-disclosure-of-sexual-abuse-from-a-child/
How to Handle Disclosure of Sexual Abuse from a Child
Oct 20th, 2009 | By Christina Enevoldsen
ACTIVITIES
Frankie Waldo Perez's MindGym
Tip of the Week - I Hope You Dance
Hi,
Last Friday night, I happened to catch the movie "Shall We Dance?" on TV. It had been a while since I'd seen it and I was glad I happened upon it again. To be honest, the first time I saw this film I didn't think much of it. Then I saw it again on a plane and caught the subtle messages about love and happiness that inspired me to write a newsletter article about it back in 2005. I'm re-sending that original article this week.
"Shall We Dance?" is now one of my favorite cinematherapy movies. Cinematherapy is the viewing of films for therapeutic purposes. Every time that I see the film, I find things that I hadn't noticed before. It tells the story of a man, John Clark, who has everything, but is unable to connect to an intrinsic feeling of happiness. He feels guilty because he feels that expressing this to his wife, who is his "treasure", would truly upset her. He journeys into finding what makes him intrinsically happy.
I hope the article inspires you to begin The Great Quest - to find those things that make you truly happy.
With love,
Frankie
July 17, 2011 Issue #35
I HOPE YOU DANCE
THE GREAT QUEST FOR HAPPINESS
John is having an affair. His affair fuels him. He is passionate... he is happy! He also feels guilty. He did not set out to hurt his wife. So, why not just tell her? Why not simply come out and tell her the truth? After all, John's affair is with dancing.
In Shall We Dance?, ever-handsome Richard Gere plays John Clark, a man with everything anyone could ever wish for-a beautiful and loving wife, a family, a successful career, the house in the suburbs. Yet, John Clark is not always happy. He is missing something that makes him feel lackluster. He is guilt-ridden that he feels empty when he's got so much; when he's got everything he's always wanted. So one night John begins his great quest for happiness when he decides to step outside his numbing mold and signs-up for ballroom dance classes.
Sometimes, it seems the issue we face is being trapped in the merry-go-round of trying to catch the ever elusive brass ring. And even when we get what we thought we wanted, we seem to be unable to hang on to the feeling of satisfaction for very long before we begin looking again, in a never-ending cycle of looking for the next thing, and the next. Other times, like with John Clark, it seems the issue is that we already have everything, but seem unable to tap into the sense of fulfillment we know we ought to feel.
In both cases the real issue is that we are looking for happiness to come from the outside when it can only come from the inside. Only when we give to ourselves by recharging and refueling with things that make us happy, things independent of money or other people, can we fully appreciate and be even happier with the loving people and gifts we may be lucky and blessed to have in our lives.
Like John Clark, Amy* also wanted to step outside her dull existence. She came into psychotherapy to begin her great quest toward happiness and fulfillment. The catalyst for Amy was the passing of actor Christopher Reeve. On her TV screen, she saw stock footage of Reeve speaking about how upsetting it was for him to see so many able-bodied people allow their minds to disable and paralyze them. Reeve said "if you're able-bodied, then nothing's impossible". His words touched Amy deeply. With tears in her eyes, she sat in my office and declared: "I'm tired of being a spectator in my own life... I want to be a full participant... I want to live fully".
Amy and John Clark began a great quest to find what fuels their happiness. They were willing to open themselves up to finding out what it is that recharges them, fuels them from within, and allows them to feel passionate and fulfilled. According to the Dalai Lama, this quest for happiness is the purpose of life. This quest may be easier for some than others. Unfortunately, sometimes it is easier to know what it is we do not want and are hard pressed to state what it is we do want. Whether easy or hard, the quest is always worthwhile.
We have been programmed in our society to expect that our happiness is dependent on something or someone else. We expect the house, the new car, the promotion, sex, alcohol, or Prince/Princess Charming to make everything better so that we can live "happily ever after". In doing so, we have given away personal responsibility for our happiness. Even a great relationship, if we are blessed to have one, does not have the power to make us happy if we are not happy with ourselves to begin with. The relationship will only magnify the feelings that are already present in our hearts. If we are desolate and unfulfilled, the relationship will eventually highlight those feelings. Conversely, if we take responsibility for our happiness, it will exponentially increase and multiply the joy we already possess.
CALL TO ACTION
1. To begin your quest, simply undertake to list the things that make you happy. List the things that you enjoy doing alone or with others that you feel passionate about, or that give you a sense of peace, well-being, and fulfillment.
2. Then commit to spending time on a regular basis making sure that you are doing those things that make you happy. It is really that simple. For me, some things on my list include: a long hug at the end of my day, allowing my heart to open and love fully and unguarded, a star-filled night, connecting deeply with others, gratitude/counting my blessings (I usually walk around thinking I'm the luckiest guy in the world), movies, fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookies that melt in your mouth, being child-like, and of course dancing!
I invite you to begin your great quest now. Take the time to discover what makes you intrinsically happy. Make honoring and giving to yourself a daily priority. Love from your overflow, not your reserve. As a result, your life and your relationships will be infinitely richer.
May your life be rich in love and happiness. And as Lee Anne Womack sings:
When you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance, I hope you dance.
(I hate this song and the tinny squeaky voice the woman who sings it has. Her voice is ugly and trashy. It sounds like country western crap that hicks listen to. It sounds like the desperate cries of a dying rodent. I want to put her out of her misery. I hate it when people tell me they love or like this song it makes me crazy mad to hear it and to even think of it.)
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