A Symptom of Crisis...

THURSDAY, JULY 28, 2011

Mood - Acne. I got up every half hour since 9 am until 11:30 am. I took the meds. when I got up. I felt puffy and droopy, dopey. I woke up a bit after the meds. I was active today cleaning because Mom wasn't around to comment on it. I feel okay today.

Physical - I ultimately woke up at 11:30 am. My knee is only a little sore compared to last week. The front of my knee is weak. I'm still limping when I go to the bathroom in the morning but not as bad as last week. I feel tired and weary but the mood is good. My left top eyelid didn't twitch today. I did more (much more,) activity today than yesterday but didn't get out of the house except twice swimming and going to Friendly's.

Woke up -  I got up every half hour since 9 am until 11:30 am. I took the excedrin and allergy meds but not the Aleve immediately. I took the gummi vitamins at 11:45 pm.

Activities -I went to bed around 3:30 am. I didn't close the curtains but fell asleep. I got up at 11:30 am. I got up on my own. It was a hot day, not as bad as in Providence though. Once I got up I went downstairs to make tuna salad. Mom's car was gone so I didn't know what to think. Did she already go to get Jerome? Did an emergency happen? Who knows with Mom. 

I made Mom, Dad and I tuna sandwiches once Mom showed up. I was halfway through making it anyway. I ate a tuna salad on a raisin bagel. I went upstairs and continued reading "Raven Stole the Moon". Mom left and I got up and fed the fish. 

I went to the basement and cleaned and organized for about half an hour. I was looking for a white container that had some miniature clothes pins in it so I could make a card display for Mom so she could get the cards off the table but still display them. I threw away some old crappy moldy books that Dad had downstairs and a lawn mower grass collector that was broken but of course NOT thrown away just HOARDED. Fucker. 

I went back upstairs and read more of the book I was reading. I started cleaning the kitchen counters above the dishwasher. I emptied the ice cubes in the bucket into a freezer bag for Sunday and re-upped the trays with water. I ate 2 plain hot dogs on whole wheat bread slices. N showed up to shower and exercise Dad. As she did that I vacuumed the living room and library because that what Mom does since Dad is occupied by his shower. I washed the area under the cat's food and his mat too it had dried coated food on it. I talked to N once she was done with Dad and gave Dad a drink of ice water at N's request. 

Through out the day since Mom left I looked and called for Paul. I finished cleaning the kitchen counter and the sink. I took out some recyclables from my room and put them outside in the receptacles. I took a little walk down to Lil' Comfort to see if Paul would come popping out and join me. No dice. So I asked Dad if he'd mind going out to eat. he wanted to go to Friendly's so that's where we went. 

Dad ordered a chicken salad (an entree,) and the Surf n' Turf. I ordered the chicken fingers with two different sauces ( buffalo hot sauce and honey barbecue). It came with coleslaw and fries. I drank a large glass of diet coke while Dad had two glasses of milk. We ate the chicken salad together as an appetizer which Dad didn't seem to mind. Still he ate like it was a contest. Every bit that I took he took a bigger mouthful like he was afraid I'd eat it all. It was distracting and disgusting but I felt it was probably one of the last times I'd share food with him willingly. I tried to just eat small bits and not make him afraid I was GOING TO EAT IT ALLLLLLL. But it didn't change the way he ate. So whatever, I told myself it wasn't a contest, I had an entree coming. Let him eat the way he will. There is no gluing broken plastic with super glue. 

I went looking for Paul again when we got back home. Dad felt the need to tell me he was locking the back door. Whatever, don't get mad I told myself. Spending any amount of time with him lately makes me angry and aggravated. I can't stop the past from crowding in and telling me all the shitty things he did when we were kids. His selfishness, moodiness, disdain, patronizing bullshit everything that defines him in my eyes when I think of the word Father. Nothing has changed except he is now demented. I am not suppose to hate him now because apparently fucking your brain up royally means that you get a free pass from the consequences of being a total asshole your whole life through. I still hate him. The thing that lives here is just someone's bad joke and version of him except with a warped sense of "kindness" if you can call it that. 

For example: while eating at Friendly's today there was a woman and her two young children seated diagonally behind me in a booth. Her kids were acting like little kids do. I tend to ignore them because I don't give a flying fuck about children. Especially when I am unstable. They are not cute they are not little bundles of innocence and love. They are snot factories that need constant observation and discipline. Not in the Nazi way, just in the "I don't give a fuck if everyone else in this restaurant thinks you are cute little munchkins. You will sit down and eat because you are little humans, not trained monkeys," way. Dad says in a syrupy maudlin way, "Oh I love little children." Which he doesn't. He is just living in his childhood now. He thinks he does because he sees a Mother with kids and he wants the dream. The boob tube bullshit dream that he is soaking up every minute of the day he sits in the house. I ignore him. Then he says to me, "But that Mother is not doing the right thing. She is letting them climb all over her," this said in a loud enough voice for the woman to hear. I say, "I don't really give a crap. They are not my kids, they are not my problem." Then with some quick thinking to make it a little less harsh: "I am glad that other people have kids. I love mine but I am done raising them. I like other people's kids. I can give them back when I'm done." He laughs which was my hope. I don't want to put him down. I just don't care to hear a demented man's judgement of some other person and their kids. And I want to head off his twisted sentimental journey into the past and his sick fuck friends like Ralphie Cobb who "diddled his little sister," and his Father who "beat the living crap out of" his Mother, and wanted him "to die in the Vietnam War." I of course am not spared the Martin Luther King Jr. abbreviated speech tonight about how my Father "met him when he was graduating from school just before he got his head blown off in Alabama." It's good dinner conversation I tell you. Makes you eat your dinner faster than you can say: "Jack Sprat was an anorexic pedophile."

So we go home and I tell Dad I'm going to go call the cat. I knew Jeopardy would be on soon. He enjoyed it when people watched it with him. So I sat and watched it with him. Afterwards I decide that the tide was still pretty high and in order to encourage Paul to come back, I will go for a dip. Paul seems to join Mom and I when we do this. I go out to the clothes line to retrieve my swim shorts and realize that the clothes need to be taken in. I take them down, dump them in the basket and drop them off in the kitchen. After switching shorts for pants I yell into the television room that I'm going swimming. Of course he's locked the fucking back door so I can't get in that way. Asshole. I go for a nice cool dip. The sun is setting. The tide is going down but the top layer of water is warm. I had seen that cock sucker KH pushing his mower from Lil' Comfort isle down the road I took to go to the beach. I jumped the plants and headed straight way into the water to avoid looking at that souless cunt. After coming out I hurried home. The sun was setting, the bugs were gathering I was getting itchy too fast.

I took a shower. Went downstairs after having my Father lecture me about C swearing in his room. I could give less of a shit about C swearing. Too fucking bad big boy suck it up. You were more miserable than 100 swearing young men. I think he'd asked me if I could watch his shows with him after his little lecture on dirty language. So I dress, go down stairs with the Daily Page and sit down with Dad for a few shows. I work on the Daily Page today. I get up at the commercials and at 9:30 pm (or thereabouts,) fat head Paul comes limping in. Great, he's injured. I'm just glad he's home. So I set out his tuna juice. I serve him some food. I look at the tufts of hair that are clinging to his back and tell myself to talk to Mom about his left leg and the limp. That dummy has been fighting again. Mom came home after I brought the laundry basket into the living room and started folding the clean laundry from the line. I put the laundry away after some banter and  my finishing folding the laundry. I go to my room and take the vitamins and do this blog.

WRAP - I wrote today's blog. I wrote today's Daily Pages. 

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on doing an activity for WRAP. I have to finish decorating the piñata. I plan on filling out the Genetic Alliance Online Questionnaire. I need to wrap the gifts for Saturday and Sunday.

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: I need to plan a weekend worth of menus for Dad while Mom, E and J are away in August. J is coming on the 28th of July for a few weeks. We are also planning a family party to coincide with J's stay in RI Mom wants it to be this next Sunday. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th August. E and J are planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. August 17th Mom is having the cataract surgery. August 18th to the 27th R is taking his vacation so I can't help C out  with work Thursday through Saturday. I need to make sure I schedule nothing for 3 days. Mom as well as Dad will need my help then. I need to glue tissue paper on the piñata and decorate it the July birthday party cookout. I can't find the little gifts from the last piñata. I also need to wrap E's and Lil's gifts. I also need to buy Lia a gift since we are planning to combine the August and July birthdays in one celebration while Jerome is here.  ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD. AND MAIL THE ENVELOPE TO HUMAN SERVICES. Sept. 19 through October 1st I will be in Philadelphia. I need to plan a menu for the Piepszacs before I leave for that weekend. 

Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: I was too busy to be depressed.

Made me feel better about myself: I completed this day with no one dead.