Mood - Good positive. Not tired. Still sleeping too much. I took nothing. I drank tonight, a shot of vodka, a bloody mary and 2-3 shots (a snifter,) of whiskey.
Physical - Stuffiness in general still tired. I went to bed at 7:00 am also "last night".
Woke up - I woke up with Mom telling me it was 1:30 pm. I ate so much last night. Mini tacos from Trader Joe's, a piece of pizza, guacamole with corn chips, a hot dog, potato salad, a slice of potato and a slice of grilled onion. Something really gooey that Jen S. made and some brownies I made. Everything was gluten-free in honor of Jon, this was his going away party. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.
Activities - Last night I did 1 daily page for WRAP and a little on a workbook page. I went to Food for Thought and bought the brownie mix, pasta and Greek Olive salad dressing for the party. $15.00 fucking dollars! (Still noticing that I am having a difficult time driving my car.) Yesterday I had a good talk with Kev. he promised to take Dad out at least one night for dinner and a movie. I am very afraid that since Mom has been staying home Dad has become even more anxious about her presence. He acts like Rakesh did when we lived together. He is always asking where my Mother is and wanting her to come see all sorts of stupid things like a mouse that ran across the living room floor and the daily news. I don't know how he's going to react when she leaves for the week.
Car, Kev and I drove over to Lar & Lea's house around 6:00 pm. We enjoyed ourselves. It was cloudy today but warmish. I wrote this blog entry.
WRAP - Wrote this blog. I wrote a little more in the WRAP Workbook.
Plans for Tomorrow I plan on going to Erika's house and helping her out. I also plan on finding out how her talk with Mom went. I am freaking out about Mom leaving on Sunday. Of course the blogging here and another Daily Page as well as working on more WRAP basics. And maybe working on the art project.
A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Make a shopping list for BJ's. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu. DON'T FORGET TO PAY THE P.O. BOX BILL!!!
An excerpt of some serious talk when I messaged a friend on Facebook:
"I am very hard on myself. I want to be that person that doesn't care about other people and doesn't see when people get hurt. I feel other people's pain viscerally and I am not glad that that is one of my traits. It's not a bad empathic trait but it doesn't help the depression I experience. The fact that I deal with Bipolar disorder is also something that I have a hard time handling. I was raised being told I was lazy and I just needed to get off my ass. So my inner critical voice chants that at me all the time. It makes the symptoms worse and makes me hate myself all the more. Trying to change the inner critical voice that has developed over 40+ years is challenging. It also turns me into a 5 year old instantly no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. It's something I am working on. Stigma is easier to change in a society than it is to change within yourself. Especially if that society constantly reinforces it.
Anyway I will stop with the psycho self help.
I wish that you felt different about L and L and that whole group. I don't think they know you. I don't think you've been there enough to experience the dynamics of the group. I also know that you feel how you feel. I would not like to be the person to tell you that what you feel is wrong because you feel how you feel. I can't make things any better although I would like to. That is one of those stupid empathic feelings I have. A need to make other people feel accepted. I really don't ever feel fully accepted even with the people I love. It makes it terribly hard to trust people and enjoy life. That's where booze comes in I guess.
I think you are right about being not so serious about life. Unfortunately sometimes I have to manage that with medication. I really hate medication but until I can get my mind under control and master my symptoms and how to deal with them through talking to myself and handling the negative thoughts that run rampant through my brain, I will have to medicate the worst symptoms so that I can have a close to normal life.
I've been ignoring my reality and confused about what to do as far as how much control I have over my illness that it's been years of neglect to my psyche and body. I have told myself that I am going to pay attention to myself and really work through some of the bad things that have happened to me and stop denying that I sustained serious psychological damage from it. It is long and slow work though but it will take as long as it has to take. Who else will love me the way I want to be loved but me? I am not a bad person and I don't deserve bad things.
(And this is where Stuart Smalley comes in and says "'Cause I'm good enough and I'm smart enough and GOSH DARN IT people like me!")"
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