Mood - Low. Tired. Emotional. Suicidal. Changed to a better mood when Caryl took me out.
Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed itchy throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, took an allergy pill at 1:00 pm. No migraine in "morning". I was sufficiently upset this morning that I took an Adivan just to calm down. I didn't get dopey though (probably because of the allergy pill.)
Woke up - 01:00 pm still upset about yesterday and Kevin couldn't deal with Dad couldn't deal with Mom and felt guilty about it. I woke up and felt grey and still tired from being upset. I went to sleep around 3:30 am last "night". I ate a bagel with cream cheese around 2:00 am since all I ate yesterday was the chicken piccata, salad, rice, orzo and quinoa mix, a bun and a slice of wedding cake. I wrote a daily WRAP plan log. I also went into the written part of the Mental Disorders Toolkit and marked off different areas for me to work on so I could make it easier for myself. I then "talked" to Kevin and I can't even relate what happened. I went online around 11:00 pm to 2:00 am. I drank maybe 1 - 2 Diet Pepsis. Had a hard time sleeping, I took an Adivan and still had a hard time sleeping. I put on my iPod played classical music (actually my purchased mix playlist,) did some variety puzzles and wrote a little. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.
Activities - Today I stayed in my room and wrapped Mom's Mother's Day gift, a pair of aqua shoes. I also gave her a card that was an ink sketch of Ocean Road along the Wall in the Pier. Caryl knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go and see a movie and get something to eat. So I washed my hairbrushes while he took a shower then we left. I played Chris Isaak to Warwick but Haruki was still closed for an hour. We decided to drive to Garden City to look for another place but there were no restaurants worth going to there. We continued driving up Reservoir Ave to Broad Street and just took it easy, not talking about Kevin and just looking at all the changes on Broad Street. We decided to go to Shanghai's since we ended up close to Thayer Street and it didn't look too busy. And it was excellent! We had their special Thai Spicy Wings as an appetizer. Their Una Kyu Maki (Unagi and Cucumber Roll) and a sushi combo - Maki San Fran for $12.50 that consisted of a California Roll, a Tuna Roll and a Salmon Scallion Roll. We watched Thor 3D which was also excellent! We both came back listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. A happy day since I also was able to get Dad to pay me back for what he owed me. I also told my Mom about my concerns for the time when she was leaving for North Carolina since Dad has been particularly freaky about the past couple of nights (Friday - Olive Garden and Saturday - Church Fashion Show) she was not at home. He even asked me tonight while we were watching Spy Games where Mom was like he thought she might have run away. He's very, very concerned with Mom's whereabouts now. I told mom to please speak with James about the 22nd because I am getting very anxious about being at home with him those 5 days. The last time she left he yanked my purse out of my hand so hard he ripped the strap off of it. I had to get a new purse. When I forget that the 22nd is coming I'm fine but when I hear him asking about Mom's whereabouts or try to plan for the 22nd to the 27th, I start feeling very scared and anxious. can't deal with this anymore. It makes me feel like I'm doomed because I don't know what to expect from my Father. I know he's not planning on hurting me but he's so impulsive and his anger can come like a flash from no where that I am afraid he's going to hurt me if he gets scared that he can't reach Mom.
It was sunny today and warm. I wrote a blog and a review of Shanghai. Checked Facebook and replied to some posts.
WRAP - Wrote this blog. I will write a daily page in the WRAP Workbook when I get off and will attempted to add some other kind of activity on another page to benefit my mental tracking. Did 2 activities that were low key. Talked to Caryl about this WRAP again and it's benefit to him as well as myself, no heavy lecture stuff. I took a break from my Tentative promise to work outside for an hour every day since last night was tress filled and I was very upset and seriously considering suicide again. I added a "Plans for Tomorrow" part of this list to help me with continuation and stability for my mental health.
Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting together with Ofelia so I can continue getting closer with my friends and creating better social bonds with them. I have to call her in the morning. Of course the blogging here and another Daily Page as well as working on more WRAP basics.
A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.
No comments:
Post a Comment