Mood - Medium to low.
Physical - Stuffiness, stuffed throat, puffy feeling eyes, and tired, going to take an allergy pill 3:30 pm. No migraine though.
Woke up - 1:00 pm bad night, I was tired and didn't want to get up but Car called from work to ask if Mom was home. I took an allergy pill around 2:30 pm, went to sleep around 4:09 am last "night". Ate a bagel with 2 oz of cheese around 9 pm. I went online around 7:00 pm to 5:00 am. I had two bowls of cornflakes before going to bed. Drank maybe 2 - 3 Diet Pepsis. Couldn't sleep, I went to bed around 5:30 am. Again going to try to go to bed before 4 am.
Activities - I went to to the senior center for the surplus food, went online around 3:00 pm to write this post, didn't do much otherwise. Stopped in to Carquest for a bit with Mom, today's Kev-o's birthday; we may go out tomorrow as a family Car, Kev and I. We'll see how that goes.
It rained was cloudy and sunny today. It's suppose to be grey cloudy and rainy for the next 2 days. Friday we're suppose to go to Blithewold. I hope it is a nice day or at least not rainy. I've never been there before. I have to print up the coupon for it.
I feel like I'm slipping back right now (3:30 pm).
A note: I don't like how I feel so bad about myself that I feel obliged to "prove" that I am "worth it" most of the time. It makes me feel like I live my life always walking on my tip toes and balanced on the edge of the world. No where do I feel comfort and any time am lonely I feel like I risk inner turmoil and outer assaults just to feel accepted and in good company. Even with people I love and people I call my friends. There is no trust. When I fake trust I throw caution to the wind. And if it blows back in my face and burns me, I usually withdraw and hide. I'm sick of hiding. It's like my physical being is made of marshmallow; too much warmth shrivels me, the cold makes me brittle.
After long periods of not contacting someone I have enjoyed being with, I become afraid of contacting them again. Inside I am told that they hate me now, they've changed and moved on. I missed my opportunity and I become anxious. Even if they call me of their own accord my mind has told me it's only so that they can get something from me. It's only so they can laugh at me. It's only so they can see how hideous I've become. I am hideous inside. Shrunken and useless. Like a junk yard a child played in that has become a garbage pit to the adult the child has become. I know where I lost the trust so long ago. You can't regain something that never had time to develop in the first place.
An activity for the WRAP Workbook: list or come up with times I have felt free where I wasn't afraid to talk without self restriction. How did I feel then? Why did I feel okay? Was there something else involved i.e. alcohol or drugs? Was it the place I went to? Did I prepare myself for the event or was it spontaneous?
A note: I don't like how I feel so bad about myself that I feel obliged to "prove" that I am "worth it" most of the time. It makes me feel like I live my life always walking on my tip toes and balanced on the edge of the world. No where do I feel comfort and any time am lonely I feel like I risk inner turmoil and outer assaults just to feel accepted and in good company. Even with people I love and people I call my friends. There is no trust. When I fake trust I throw caution to the wind. And if it blows back in my face and burns me, I usually withdraw and hide. I'm sick of hiding. It's like my physical being is made of marshmallow; too much warmth shrivels me, the cold makes me brittle.
After long periods of not contacting someone I have enjoyed being with, I become afraid of contacting them again. Inside I am told that they hate me now, they've changed and moved on. I missed my opportunity and I become anxious. Even if they call me of their own accord my mind has told me it's only so that they can get something from me. It's only so they can laugh at me. It's only so they can see how hideous I've become. I am hideous inside. Shrunken and useless. Like a junk yard a child played in that has become a garbage pit to the adult the child has become. I know where I lost the trust so long ago. You can't regain something that never had time to develop in the first place.
An activity for the WRAP Workbook: list or come up with times I have felt free where I wasn't afraid to talk without self restriction. How did I feel then? Why did I feel okay? Was there something else involved i.e. alcohol or drugs? Was it the place I went to? Did I prepare myself for the event or was it spontaneous?
A reminder: Sunday 22nd, Mom leaves for North Carolina until Friday 27th. Review menu for Dad. Review appointments and come up with a realistic activity (at least one,) you both can do together that you can enjoy together. Post the menu.
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