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TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2011

Mood - I didn't go to bed until 5:00 am. I felt better than felt worse and took a nap. The nap was semi physical semi-mood related I think my attitude towards dong the lawn wasn't so positive. Knowing I had to go to RIBPSG and moderate was a positive as far as getting up and out.

Physical - I took an allergy pill when I got up. I felt groggy today and very stuffed up when I went to the bathroom. Around 1:00 pm I took a nap, I was feeling tired and a little over heated and honestly didn't want to weed whack the lawn like my Mother asked. The day was very warm but I caught an attitude and had to tell myself to stop being so pathetic and go do the lawn. She wasn't asking much of me! She didn't even sound like she was being facetious when she said she knew I was busy and just hoped I had the time. Hmmm, maybe she's catching on to how to push my buttons... Good for her, I needed to get my ass out side and active.

Woke up - I woke up at 10:15 am. I was happy with myself this morning. 

Activities - I ate a bagel and two bowls of corn flakes, not proud of that. I also went upstairs and wrote the past two days worth of Daily Pages. Shirking the lawn, I read the Oriental Traders catalog until I got paranoid that Mom was looking in on me and then took a nap. I wasn't feeling that great a bit of a headache but I didn't take the excedrin migraine. Once I woke up it was 3:20 pm and I figured I wouldn't have time to weed whack. Still I put on my leggings (ewww fat woman in leggings!) got on the work sneaks and went downstairs trying to prevent that part of myself from convincing me that I should turn around and malinger upstairs. {I suspect I do that more often than not and I think if I stop goofing off I'll be able to accomplish some things and actually feel better about myself physically and mentally. The guilt that I might be imitating Dad's BS makes me disgusted with those kinds of actions.I'm hoping to put that disgust to good use my positively motivation myself by looking at the bad actions and rewarding myself with praise when I don't fall back on goofing off. I actually finished the weed whacking in an hour. I felt pretty good about myself and I think Mom was happy about it.When I act more like a responsible adult she acts more deferential towards me. I sometimes feel like she is being manipulative but if it makes me feel better about myself I figure leave it alone. Sometimes examining a good thing too closely tarnishes it's worth.}

I helped out at dinner time by giving Dad his condiments in small plastic containers we typically don't use. Since he sits inside when we have cookouts we usually put the bulk of the condiments on the picnic table. Dad also has the habit of (as my Mother puts it,) "serving himself condiments as if they were vegetables." He has little self control when it comes to eating. Again I told my Mother explicitly my efforts in dealing with Dad's bad eating habits. So that she can see that I am not trying to be passive-aggressive but pre-portion control his meals I told her about the little plastic containers.

Paul really upset Mom yesterday. She kept him inside all day today reasoning that he must be disturbed lately with the work going on next door. I can't say as I can blame Paul, I am so fed up with it sounding like a freaking gravel pit over there. Lately heavy machinery has been moving the earth around. It's aggravating me!

I took most of the dinner fixings inside leaving Mom to deal only with the paper plates and dish the burgers and hot dogs were on. I changed upstairs then noticed that C texted me about getting my windshield wipers changed and stopping by Carquest. I called and left him a message asking if I could do it tomorrow since I had the group to go to. NW called me unexpectedly but the call broke up. She called me later and I told her as I negotiated the back roads to Slocum what I was up to. She told me to test her when I got back home.

I got to the WarPubLib around 6:15 pm. In a typical mind f*ck that my brain likes to play on me, I didn't have to be there until 6:30 pm. Luckily I sat there feeling guilty I had "gotten there so late," I figured I should hang out for at least half an hour in case anyone else was in my "predicament". When A and J1 showed up I was really happy to see them! What a freaking dummy. 

J2 also showed up a little later and when the clock came to 6:45 pm we started the meeting. D and I had agreed that we would have as the topic: "Are You In A Safe Place?" It was a basic easy topic that people could make pretty much a snap decision about and was a topic that is important as well as one that could introduce self explanations on peoples' views on safety. (It's 1:13 and DAMN I'M HUNGRY!!!) We went until 8;00 pm where J1 (awesome, I'm so glad she was watching the clock,) called time. We had the room from 6:30 pm until 8 pm. 

I continued to talk to J2 while walking with her to her car. She has many situations going on right now. Luckily J1 is well aware of the human service sector as well as being served by it. She's been talking a lot with J2 online about her situations. I'm glad to hear this, both J1 and J2 seem to know what they're talking about. I'm not involved with that kind of life event anymore since the boys grew up.

After I drove over to Showcase to see if I could catch E coming out of the newest X men movie. She had her french teacher with her, B and it was nice to meet him. This is where I regret meeting someone new. Throughout today the narrator in my head kept telling me that I was saying suspect things and looking like a total asshole. It pointed out to me that talking about the boys involvement in their business and my Parents' science background was obnoxious. It asked me continually if I was trying to impress everyone in the group. I was miserable driving to Showcase. I felt like a fraud and a counterfeit. And then it hovered over my sis, B and I and kept telling me to look at B's eyes. His eyes were telling me he knew I was a big fat phony. I hate you so much. I hated myself.

I drove to E's house and spent a very little time with her just because I haven't seen her. I also figure that she won't suspect how bad it's ben if I put in a sanity appearance. So good so far. Went home around 11:45 pm and resisted the urge to stop at Mc D's. I really have almost no money now and can't afford jack or shit. 

WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote Sunday's, yesterday's and today's Daily Page. I want to take the activity from yesterday and write it down in the Workbook or maybe make it into a document and print it out for the book and complete it.  

Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I'll call SM and see when she wants me to come over tomorrow, it's been so long. Dinner tomorrow there with the 'rents and J and the girls. What does SM want for her birthday next month?

  

{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}

A reminder: Thursday Mom, Dad and I plan on going to James and Sui May's house for dinner. I plan on going earlier to see Sui May for a little bit. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata, you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.

Some Other Links That May Help:

I posted 2 responses to this woman's post online about anger on the "Children of Parents With Mental illness" wall.

M R S

TODAY, I am feeling really angry. Anger is a waste of time, at least that is what a lot of people say, but somedays, I want to be angry and embrace the anger. I am really mad today, thinking about how my past has affected the outcomes in my life that I know are directly related to my upbringing. Everything from how I feel some days, to the job I ended up, to the people I let do me wrong. But I don't feel any self pity. I am just pissed off at what I was given. Sometimes, I say that what I was given made me strong and made me tough and made me who I am....but on the other hand, days like today, I just feel like crawling into bed and crying and not paying attention to the things that aregood. But then that leads to guilt because things could be so much worse. What do people on here do about their anger?

June 15 at 5:37pm · Like · · Unsubscribe

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• S S When I am able to I use anger as an energy to get me motivated to change or for action. I don't think anger is a waste of time, I think that some of the potential results of anger can lead to wasting time on actions that don't give me any positive results like guilt, fear and avoidance. Anger can help me feel powerful about something I think is important. And if I can use that to further myself and get something positive out of it I don't think anger is a negative feeling at all.

• June 15 at 5:49pm · Like · 2 people

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• L F My mother blames me for her mental issues (she was diagnosed with post natal depression which was only properly diagnosed four years later as bipolar) and I do spend some of my time angry at that. My actions do not show anger and I am not violent so I feel that it's a natural and effective release.

• June 15 at 6:00pm · Like

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• J C Go for a run.

• June 15 at 7:52pm · Like · 1 person

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• J L I don't feel that anger is a waste of time either. It helps you to evaluate what's going right and wrong in your life. I'm still angry about the way I was brought up... The anger is where my passion comes from and why I know that so much needs to change in the world. Right now I'm working at finding others who feel the same so that we can channel it an make a difference. You definitely didn't deserve the bad things in your upbringing and it's totally normal to be angry about it. I'm sure that anyone in your position would be too.

• June 15 at 10:09pm · Unlike · 1 person

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• M R S Well, I walked four miles. It was all I could do. I feel a little better. I want to punch something....or have some quick and painless romance but that isn't really my style. Thanks everyone for posting....ty

• June 15 at 11:16pm · Unlike · 2 people

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• T F i just start on the house

• June 16 at 12:35am · Like

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• C P B I still want to reply to this post but haven't found the time...

• about an hour ago · Like

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• M J Hey M R S, this post was very timely when I read it a few days ago. I had been helping someone else with similar history get in touch with her anger, and over the past few months I had been getting in touch with mine. It seems this is an important step in a healing process that a person get to a sense of wholeness.

• 14 minutes ago · Unlike · 1 person

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• S S It is something I am currently examining in my life, anger and it's effects on my thoughts and actions. I have been aware that I have quite a lot of anger that is stuffed inside of me. I also realize that I am afraid of it and it's potential effect on how I view the world and my opinions on other people. I would like to be able to harness the energy it gives my while taming it's influence on my thoughts, beliefs and actions.

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Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:

Joy: Hearing that J1 thought I did a good job today in spite of the narrators taunts.

Made me feel better about myself: Hearing J2 talk about herself and situation and agreeing to maybe go for coffee sometime soon. (G*d I hope that's kosher) She is different in person than who I thought she was online. It only proves that I need to back off criticizing on people and situations I don't fully know or understand.

 An Eye Opener: A's revelation on Dr. Kisch!