THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2011
Mood - I went to bed around 3:00 am. I punched the Pope so I didn't sleep until 4:00 am. My mood was okay, I didn't mind driving.
Physical - I took an allergy pill when I got up and the excedrin, too. I felt groggy today and I went to the bathroom. I think I have a cold. The day was overcast and rain came and went.
Woke up - I woke up at 10:08 am. I was feeling expectant, Sui May called.
Activities - I ate a bagel with melted cheese. Mom asked me to make some chicken salad for lunch. Canned chicken, Miracle Whip, red pepper, onion, dill weed, Mrs. Dash mix, dried onions mixed together and I ate some on a bagel. I took off around 1:00 pm. I drove to my P.O. Box and got my mail. {I was loved, I am loved.} I drove the back roads to Slocum and into NK when K called. He wanted a connector he'd left in my car. I drove back and dropped off the part for him and Rick. I turned around again and went the back way to SM. We talked for a while it was innocuous. I still act like I know what's best for M and L. {No one says anything about my opinions except C anyway so I never know if people are acting towards like they do around my Father. They listen politely to him but never challenge him on his opinion, respect with no feed back. So the truth and compromise and understanding are never reached. Am I that deaf? Am I that scary?}
I just watched SM do her thing. And we talked, she said that we need to get together more often. I don't feel it. I felt like it was said to reassure each other that we cared but weren't committed to changing anything. {That's how the family feels now. I am floating away and I have no connection to these people anymore. Love is just a word, family is just an excuse to stay with people that don't listen and will do whatever they want anyway. No one stands up for anyone and everything is up for grabs.}
Mom and Dad came around 5:30 pm. Nothing changes. We ate but it was nice, I relaxed a little and didn't swear so much this time around. Everyone seemed a little more relaxed. Around 9:00 pm SM and J were talking about a beer stein convention and I started to feel dopey so I left. Mom headed out it was late for Dad anyway. A good night. Oh yeah, when I got home I was invited to an HBO premiere for True Blood at The Avon Cinema this Sunday. I'm thinking of taking K if he wants to go.
{I remember when I had promise or thought I had. Something would show me, age wasn't an issue. I had love and if I just stuck with it everything would work out. Before I knew that I only loved people who were as differently for me sexually as the dirt is composed as differently as the sun spots. before I knew that I was a lost cause. Before I was sure that I really was just as ugly as they think. And before I really believed that I meant nothing in this world. Before I met the person I believed I had a future with. And let them end it. And let myself end it.
I knew I was lost cause. Maybe that's why I was only attracted to the people who would lie to me then reveal them selves to me. What was the lesson? If I knew that I could at least come to terms with the rest of my life and my place here. As it stands now I exist to be an emotional marker, useless empty but reserved to living so that others don't blame themselves for my not becoming something.
I use to want to go back to Alaska but there's nothing for me there. Not that N is not family to me. I don't deny her. I deny L. That makes me sad because I always loved him. I didn't want to destroy him. I wanted him to go away and heal himself. He chose to poison himself. I have to stop poisoning myself. I wish I had a counterpart. It will not matter it has to not matter so I can move on with no expectations. I need to be myself, discover my best, my happiness inside of me. I never wanted to destroy myself or I would have just done it. All gone all gone away. And when the songs are sad and they strike me deep inside and make me embarrassed to feel them painfully why? Why must I feel that I am not strong? That I am suppose to be alone? It will be okay. At least 5 years with out physical contact with the opposite sex. And I'll never be a homosexual or bisexual. There are certain things that I know I will never change they are me they are the base they cannot be theraputized. Deep inside of me not deep inside of you. There is no connection not here, not in the family, not in a man, not in the child they have all floated all away. It's not bad just gone. And I wander, but then I stall. And nothing seems worth it. Kill myself slowly with treats. Kill myself with isolation.}
WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page. I still want to take the activity from Monday and write it down in the Workbook or maybe make it into a document and print it out for the book and complete it.
Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. Tomorrow C and I will be playing "You Don't Know Jack!" SM wants a cordless phone with 3 extra phones for her birthday next month.
{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}
A reminder: Sunday is the premiere at The Avon for True Blood, 6:30 pm. On facebook HR and I decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm. Mom will be going to NY the weekend of C's birthday, the 15th and the 14th. Erika is planning on going with her so I need to plan for at least 2 days worth of menus. ALSO PLAN A PINATA FOR LILY & FOURTH OF JULY!!! You have the little gifts from the last pinata, you just need candy. ALSO CALL JONNYCAKE CENTER FOR FOOD BASKETS OR EXTRA FOOD.
Some Other Links That May Help:
http://www.spring.org.uk/2009/07/40-superb-psychology-blogs.php
40 Superb Psychology Blogs
Forty of the best psychology blogs, chosen to give you a broad sweep of the most interesting content being produced online right now.
The list is split into three sections: first are more general psychological blogs, followed by those with an academic slant, followed by condition specific and patient perspective blogs. Other than that the blogs are presented in no particular order.
TOP TEN MYTHS ABOUT INTROVERTS
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2Rq4SN/jerrybrito.org/post/6114304704/top-ten-myths-about-introverts
Things that gave me joy today and things that made me feel better about myself:
Joy: I was able to feel relaxed around SM and the kids and even J.
Made me feel better about myself: Listened to Third Eye Blind videos on Youtube.com
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