THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2011
Mood - I felt groggy when I woke up. I woke up around 11:00 am. I took both the allergy medication and the excedrin migraine. My period started Saturday night very, very light. It is heavier than the past four days almost like normal. I felt cramps still after I took the pills but I have felt crappy most of the day. It may be that the ozone is heavier today again.
Physical - I went to bed last night at 5:00 am. I am groggy and crampy. I can smell things really intensely, the mold on the bagels smells like chemical, my sneezes smell disgustingly musky (mold in my sinuses?) and my blood smells horrible (from p.). The blood had gone through`my panties.
Woke up - I woke up at 11:00 am. I plan on getting up at 9:00 am tomorrow.
Activities - I got up around 11:00 am. I went to pee. I changed my panties because of the mess. I went downstairs, made myself a raisin bagel with cheese. The television wasn't on. That made me wonder what was going on. The back door (front door,) was open, lights were on but no one was home. I fed the fish and called Mom's cell phone. I went upstairs and wrote four and a half double pages about pain and doctors. I called Ophelia around noon time. Mom had driven Dad to town to get stamps. She went to Jamestown to get the rest of her things from DEM. Ofelia called me back at 3:55 pm; she sounded annoyed.
Mom grilled pork chops inside and we ate inside. We ate asparagus, the chips and salsa and green salad. I had a low tolerance for his disgusting habits. After Mom told him to cut the pork chop or he'd choke he shoved the whole fucking thing into his maw. I left as soon as I finished my plate and put it into the dishwasher.
I went upstairs and went on line. I ate a raisin bagel with peanut butter on it. I continued watching that Scrubs marathon until about 10:00 pm. I am watching Awful Normal.
{My Father never protected me, he did not nurture me. That is why I have always hated him. That is why he's dead to me. I understand him in some ways. I have taken a long time trying to reconcile my anger with him. he never ever recognized that my awful past was because of his actions and inactions. He never protected me from Bucky or from Rakesh or from Mr. and Mrs. Arnold. he never protected me from school and depression. The one thing he did do was took me seriously when I wanted to be treated for my acne. I NEVER had therapy with the family. There was NEVER any recognition that the things that happened to me were significant by anyone in the family except maybe Erika and only after I told her 30+ years after it happened. All my life I was lead to believe that everything that happened to me was my problem and to suck it up and blow it off like a cramp. It was significant because it warped my self identity, my sexual identity, my trust in life and my family and anyone I was suppose to trust, my self confidence, my self esteem, my sense of reality, my belief in justice, my paranoia, my sense of belonging, my belief that I have the right to love myself, that I belong to any normal strata in humanity, my belief that I have a future that I DESERVE a future and that any of my dreams are attainable.
As for my Mother, I have not explored my anger with her. I rarely allowed myself to be angry with her directing it simply at my Father thinking if they split up everything would magically change. I would become peaceful and it would break a fairy spell. I realized little by little over the years that this would never happen. My Mother and I have been able to talk. Not about everything. I can not share the molestation with her just yet if I ever do. I haven't told her about some of the really fucked up things I feel. I have told her about the miscarriage I made myself have in Alaska. I told her about Bucky. }
WRAP - Wrote the blog for today. I wrote today's Daily Page. I wrote 4 and a half pages on my past, doctors and pain.
Plans for Tomorrow I plan on getting up. I plan on accomplishing an activity for the WRAP book. I plan on taking a walk with Molly if she calls me around 6:00 pm.
{I want to change a bad habit so that I 1) Stop doing something bad 2) exchange the bad action with a positive action 3) and get a result that will help me in my life.}
A reminder: On the 19th RIBS Group is planning on meeting at 6:00 pm in the Warwick Library Room 100. I am suppose to co-chair it with Donna. CALL DONNA. Friday around 3:00 pm, Molly plans on calling me so we can go for a walk along the Wall and maybe get some lemonade. Saturday, June 11th is Holly R.'s Birthday (Try to show up) Holly wrote me back on Facebook to say we'll get together next week if she isn't too swamped. On facebook we decided to go to a Lovecraftian movie at Rochambeau Library around the 27th of June at 6:00 pm.
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